|Reviews for Lost Dreams, Opened Mind|
| Layne McCray chapter 1 . 3/21/2012
Love the suspense in the beginning. I like how you started your chapter with a question; it keeps the reader interested! :D I have a couple suggestions:
Instead of saying "My friend (Clara)," , you could say "My friend, Clara,"
The end is kinda sudden, you might want to describe the pain she felt when she was stabbed
You can add a little more visual effect. How? Add more literary devices, especially similes, metaphors and personification, those are the most important ones for me! :D
ex. I'm going to edit some stuff (again, these are suggestions):
"He didn't even look my way when I crossed the street, my sister's hand laced through mine,"
"Before I could utter a single word, or make the slightest movement, I saw a muscular figure scurry from behind us, and felt a strong pair of hands grip my from behind. A sharp pain erupted on the back of my head (you don't have to TELL the reader what he hit her with, SHOW them) and I collapse onto the rough pavement. Through the corner of my eye, I could see the small figure of my little sister, running full speed towards our house with her 7-year-old legs,"
Yeah, that's all for now, I like this chapter overall, with the cliff-hanger at the end; it kept me wondering what would happen next!
Keep writing ;D
| Victoria Best chapter 3 . 3/12/2012
Wow! I really like this so far! It's really imaginitive, and you have some brilliant and original ideas, like how their thoughts can change their world, for example when she makes all the stones from the beach disappear. That was amazing! In addition, I loved the beginning. It was so chilling and I could really feel her fear. You showed her emotions brilliantly :)
However, I think there could have been more description to really build up a clear and vivid picture for your readers. You could create some really beautiful scenes within this, for example the field she wakes up in. Description doesn't just have to detail what the characters see. Think about the other senses - what could they hear? What did they feel? Even including little details like colour and texture can make your piece really come to life.
Otherwise, I really like this and really hope you continue! You definitley have another reader. Keep writing! :D
| ChellyWrites chapter 2 . 1/7/2012
This is really good so far. Keep it up! Hope you update soon :)
Never stop doing what you love, and keep on reading and writing! xoxo, Chelly