|Reviews for Haunted|
| JWT chapter 1 . 3/23/2013
That was pretty creepy - good job!
You said on the Triple Moon forum that you wanted your tense checked in this story, so I've picked out some of the instances where you slip into the past tense:
"It sounds like the mixture of the crow and the banshee." "the clown disappeared into the fog and mist of the forest." "wall of crows exploded" "The bats would not leave nor did anyone come to save me" "I believe that I killed a few, but was not sure"
There were also a couple of whole paragraphs that are entirely in past tense:
"Above, a wall of crows...scratched and screamed" and "I got to my feet...soon be upon me"
There are another couple of suggestions aside from the tense mistakes:
"The clown jumps down from the landing it was on." Tense-wise this is correct (I think) but it is a little awkward to read. Perhaps if you mention the clown's position earlier, followed by it jumping down, you wouldn't have to use the word "was", which I think is what makes it a bit of an odd sentance to read.
"the clown sang it to the tune of "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?"
Because it is such a well-known rhyme, I think most people will pick up on that when they read the line. It just slightly lowers the tone to have that sort of explanation in the middle of the creepy atmosphere you have created.
Overall an enjoyably spooky story. Well done and happy writing :)
| SugarRayne chapter 1 . 11/12/2012
Dark, creepy, and with a nice twist at the end. Keep up the great work!
| Jen chapter 1 . 3/26/2012
that just took a twist! Great job
| Haley chapter 1 . 1/6/2012
A twisted dark story with a lot of details. There are a few minor issues with tense and typos but overall not bad.