|Reviews for The Lake People: Friendship, Love, and Werewolves?|
| JWT chapter 6 . 9/7/2013
I love that you have added a little coma-thoughts chapter, and the confusion and darkness and feelings of entrapment are the perfect emotions to bring into this situation.
This chapter has a lot of potential to be a very strong section, but I don't think it yet has quite the kick that a look into a coma patient's mind could have.
The main thing that struck me was how Tyler shifts from being quite confused and rambling (I mean rambling in a good sense here, in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way) - like the end parts about fighting off the darkness - and then being rather coherant and competent - like when he is thinking about Asher being Nick's friend.
I think it would work to have Tyler swinging from coherant to incoherant if you did it in a slightly more structured way. For example, if you take incoherance as the base line and have him actively keep trying to drag himself out of the confusion, grasping a few sensible thoughts, then falling, exhausted, back into his state of confusion.
I'm finding it hard to convey quite what I mean so I'm going to stop before I start babbling and hope that you understand vaguely what I mean. I think, when you edit, this chapter should be a key focus because it has such potential to be a really powerful scene, the kind of short but punchy scene that really hits the reader, and I'm sure you can make it so.
| JWT chapter 5 . 8/15/2013
This chapter brings up more interesting questions. Why would people think Tyler would want to kill himself? Why do the wolves insist on being so suspiciously cliquey? I also sense some distance between Mary Ellen and her dad, mostly because she calls him "Bill" in her narration, so I'm wondering if they have always been distance or if somethign happened.
"I hadn't seen Sawyer Young away from Nick's little clique for months" - Being quite simple, this might seem like an odd choice of sentance to pick out but somehow I think it read particularly well. I think it's partly because of how it introduces the boy sitting there as Sawyer without going "It was Sawyer", and it also introduces history and the hint of tension between the two characters. That's quite a lot of info to pack into one very simple sentance, but with the context you have managed to do so. Kudos :)
Now the grammar nazi-ing:
"I walked down the hall, doing the routine I used the first day Tyler had been placed in a room" - I'm not sure if there's anything technically wrong with this sentance, but "doing the routine I used" sounds a bit of a clumsy way to phrase it.
"He looked the same, slightly more tired, but he was still..." - The first comma doesn't quite work there. I think a colon would be correct.
"...hanging out at the dark haired kid's house" - This would be an interesting way to slip in his hair colour, but since you have only on the previous line said that it was brown, this is unecessary reinfrocement. Not that there's anything wrong with mentioning hair colour or any other detail more than once, but I'm not a fan doing it so close together.
"but there' something off" - Forgot the "s" there.
"Come on, hon, up and atom!" - The phrase should be written "up and at 'em" as it is actually "up and at them" (but no-one says that). Unless the pun is an in joke between them (like some plane carrying an atomic bomb at some point was hysterically called Up An' Atom).
"you're getting up rather you like it or not," - "whether you like it..."
"holy jeans" - I think you meant "holey"
"started being weary around" - I think that was supposed to be "wary"
I think you could have got a bit deeper into Mary Ellen's emotions in this chapter. In the scene with her dad it seems like you are just about touching the surface of her feelings - the hesitations in her speech show that it is haard for her to talk about - but not really getting in to them. Similarly, the way Grayson and Alyssa are treating her seems too ordinary considering her boyfriend is in hospital. Even a quick mention of this along the lines of "I was glad they were acting like everything was normal - it made it easier to pretend that it was and stop worrying about Tyler when there was nothing I could do" could help.
On the whole I enjoyed this chapter. The pace of the plot is very good - not too dragged out as you are constantly introducing fresh elements, but it's not too rushed. I look forward to reading more. Happy writing :)
| JWT chapter 4 . 8/11/2013
This was a lovely introduction to the wolf characters. Already the personalities of each are beginning to shine through so that I didn't just get lost in a sea of new names. I liked the idea of the telepathy between them (I assume that is only when they are in wolf form?) and the mystery of what exactly they are.
You did a really good job with the conversation at school. They sounded natural - not spelling out to the reader exactly what is going on when obviously they as characters know, which is a trap some people fall into - but still managed to give the reader enough hints that it was interesting and mysterious rather than just plain confusing.
Your grammar seems pretty good in this chapter, so instead of being a grammar nazi I'm going to be irritatingly picky about more stylistic things:
I noticed a the frequent use of "I" as a sentance start again in some parts of this chapter.
""Ash?" A voice asked, popping into my head" - The is the perfect word choice for this situation with the telepathic voice suddenly appearing in his mind, but because you have put "a voice asked" before it kind of detracts from the suddenness of the "pop", if that makes sense. The "pop" might surprise more if it come first, such as: "A voice popped into my head. "Ash?"
"I turned and found myself looking into Matt's eyes and Sawyer's eyes." - You can't really look into two people's eyes at once. (Also, just wondering, is Sawyer named after Peyton/her kid in OTH? I've never heard it as a name in anything else and I noticed your avatar)
""So, sis, you decided to join us?" Matt asked bitterly. Jessyca raised her shoulders at her brother." - Does Matt always call Jessyca sis? If he does, ignore this. If he doesn't, it sounds a bit like maybe he's only calling her "sis" there to establish that they are siblings, which you then reinforce that by calling him her brother. It's not that big a deal, but sometimes if you establish something twice so close together like that it can sound a bit forced.
"stop the doctor's from freaking because he has dog-like eyes" - This was the only bit of the conversation that did sound a bit off. Even though they are in their own little group having a private conversation, it seemed a little risky to really spell it out like that (but perhaps Matt's like that, in which case fair enough). If he just said "stop the doctors from freaking out over his eyes" or something, the reader would still be able to guess that the eyes are a wolf thing and the characters involved would understand.
"She shook her head and closed the space between us since I couldn't move because of the concrete bench behind me." - Have you come across the "show me v. tell me" rule of writing? It's basically that you always try to show rather than simply tell. For example, you don't ever say "Richie McAce was a super cool dude and everyone loved him". Instead you have a scene of Richie McAce walking down his school corridor in sunglasses with all the guys high-fiving him and all the girls swooning over him.
You do that well almost all the time (like in the first scene of this chapter, you never actually said they were wolves, but you had the "padding" instead of wlaking, the fur references and the use of the word "pack" and so we infer from that that they are wolves.)
You could do with using some of that subtle descriptive skill in this line, such as by saying "...the space between us. I tried to step away further but the backs of my calves hit the concrete seat of a bench and I realised I had quite literally backed myself into a corner."
I know it's only one sentance, but remember at all times that, for a reader, it is much more exciting to watch something happen that to be told that it has happened.
All in all an exciting chapter and I look forward to the next one :)
| JWT chapter 3 . 7/29/2013
I like the discussion of the quote in your preface as it sets up what I assume will be key themes in this story and is a unique way to start. I am not sure who is narrating though - at first I assumed Mary Ellen, but I see that your chapters are headed with different names so I'm guessing there will be multiple POVs. If this was intentional and will become clearer later on, I like the mystery of not knowing straight away. I thought I'd mention it in case it wasn't doen on purpose, though, as if it wasn't then you might want to find a way of clarifying who the narrator is.
What is great about the first chapter is that you leap right in with the action. By having the scene of the fall as a flashback it creates a much more tense atmosphere as we know it will not end well so a sense of forboding hangs over the scene. It's like the book equivalent of having creepy background music in a happy scene of a film.
I did spot a few little grammar errors in there and also some places that might need a little polishing, so I'll list them in the order that they appear:
"a mischief smile" - Should be "mischievous".
"No, are you?" - Because the "are you?" is a question and therefor seperate from the "no", that comma should be a full stop.
"I said, begging because..." - Not a mistake as such, but it might sound a bit slicker if you used "begged" instead of "said" rather than adding it after. But, of course, that is all to do with your writing style, the voice of your character and so on so you might want to totally ignore this point.
"He stepped back, an appalled look on his face" - There were two things I thought when I read this. Firstly, he seems to be mocking her so I'm not sure "appalled" is really the right word as it implies genuine disgust. Going by the tone of what he has said before, it sounds more like he is feigning disgust.
Second, I am assuming that this casual step back is the step that overbalanced him, in which case he needs to step back a little later - for example, he could say "...breaking the rules?" Then step back while starting to say "I'm" - otherwise he is effectively hanging in mid air while he speaks.
"I pulled my phone from my pocket..." - As she had already got her phone out to check for signal, it seemed odd to me that she had put it back in her pocket, run down in the dark, then got it out again.
"I ran over...I sighed...I sat back...I looked at him..." - In this passage you have quite a long string of sentances all beginning with "I (verb)". This has the potential to be a real adrenaline fulled rush of a scene, but this repetition makes it just sound like a list. As I read it, I know that she is scared but I'm not really feeling it. I think if you spiced up the language in this scene and dug deeper into the heart of her emotions at the time it would have a lot more punch. For example, instead of "knelt next to him, feeling for a pulse", it could be something like "I collapsed to my knees at his side and groped desperately for his wrist. My hands were trembling so badly that for a long, heart-stopping moment I could not be sure if the fluttering I could feel was a pulse or just the quivering of my fingers."
"pushing me back onto the couch in the waiting room and covered me..." - Should be "covering".
It struck me as a bit odd the way the messages on Tyler's phone were presented. It sounded like his parents had texted his phone to say they would be on their way soon, which seems a bit of an unconvincing reaction. If they know he is in hospital then surely the would know that he is unconscious. They may have called his phone to talk to Mary to find out what had happened, but texting it as if he would be the one reading the text just doesn't seem real.
When Mary goes to the car, how does she have the keys? As you haven't specified her age yet, perhaps she drives her mum's car as well and they both have a set of keys. Or maybe her mum, before leaving, reminded her of the clothes and gave her the keys. There are many ways in which it is possible for her to have the keys, as long as you as a writer have thought about it and acknowledged it in some way (even if you have her driving her mum's car later on or something). Tiny details like that add realism to a story.
Clothes and make-up - The way Mary went about changing and putting on her make-up seemed a little too casual. I can see that she might feel grubby, but I think given that her boyfriend has just been hospitalised she needs a bit more of an excuse. Even if you just throw in one line to cover it, something like, "I felt guilty for being so concerned with something as trivial as my clothes" or "I put on my make-up more for something to do than anything else, something to take my mind off waiting".
"IV's" - Should be "IVs". It is common to use an apostrophe after acronyms, but it's technically wrong.
I'm sorry if this looks like a huge list of really picky suggestions, but I only get picky when I like something and see a lot of potential. Even after just one chapter I am intrigued by the plot so I think that with a bit more polishing this could be really good. Good luck with this series and happy writing to you!
| MileyRowling chapter 28 . 5/24/2013
Great story! Is there a second book to go with this!?
| weasleyjumper chapter 28 . 8/19/2012
Wow! Amazing! I really like this, I thought it was brilliant! The characters were detailed and I could relate well to them. Please write more!
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 28 . 1/25/2012
the end...for now
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 27 . 1/25/2012
it's a mircle that she didn't have a heart attack
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 26 . 1/24/2012
you're going to have to give me a summary, my friends were in my room while I was reading this
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 25 . 1/24/2012
good chapter. I wonder where this is going to go
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 24 . 1/22/2012
will Mary Ellen listen to him? No, probably not
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 23 . 1/22/2012
he's just going to up and leave?
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 22 . 1/20/2012
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 21 . 1/19/2012
wouldn't they all smell like wet dogs...
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 20 . 1/17/2012
somebody's in trouble