|Reviews for Pell's Song|
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 11/14/2013
'...auburn colored ...' 'Colored' is one of the most meaningless, intrusive, useless, words writers will insist on using. It's good for padding the word count but adds nothing to the narrative. If something is 'auburn colored', it's 'auburn'. Drop 'colored.'
Dialogue tags ALWAYS have 'say' or some synonym of 'say' as the verb. 'Saluted' is not a synonym of 'say'. This: "High Soldier," she saluted abruptly ... is a bit of dialogue ("High Soldier") jammed together with a bit of narrative (she saluted abruptly...) Put a period after 'soldier' and start a new sentence with She saluted...etc. See '"I don't know how you know, but the knowledge doesn't leave this campfire." Val looked stern -above. Many of the dialogue tag sentences need tweaking.
The eleventh paragraph from the beginning needs editing. Is this an interior monologue? Unclear.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 3 . 11/12/2013
The chapter starts at a good point. There wasn't a lot of setting, but the focus on the bodies and boy was handled effectively enough to hook the reader into the chapter. I particularly liked that as much as they try to focus on the objective, nobody is quite able to shake the bleakness of the chapel.
Generally I enjoyed the dialogue. Most of it flowed well, and it doesn't stray too far into contemporary or fantastical patterns. Sherit's strain of dialogue when he suggests finding a healer, however, seemed rather forced. When compared to the rest of his dialogue, it feels like he's *trying* to sound overly dramatic and makes the dialogue feel as silly as it feels forced.
As with the dialogue, I like that writing in the narrative never strays too far into modern or fantasy language. It really helps the flow and makes the story enjoyable to read, but also helps to keep it from losing it's fantastical touch. A bit more narrative would have helped to spice up the second segment of dialogue, but otherwise it all balanced out very nicely.
The chapter could do with a bit more proofing, however there was only one thing that really stood out to me.
[Aesur stood, protesting but Val ignored her.] This sentence could really use a rework. Something along the lines of "When Aesur protested, he ignored her." You might even be able to get away with leaving it as it is if you add a comma after "protesting", but as it stands now the intended purpose is lost, which causes the reader to stumble as they read and interrupts the flow.
The ending felt rather weak. In some cases a reader can tell if the writer didn't know how to end the chapter; I'm not sure if that was the case here, but it feels a bit like it. The wrap up leaves the chapter feeling incomplete, and unfortunately the desire for more information isn't necessarily a good thing in this case. I honestly can't say what will help until I read the next chapter, but as it is now, it feels like this:
Dialogue. Dialogue. Dialogue. Stop.
Come to think of it, it actually feels kind of like the end of the Sopranos.
| Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 11/11/2013
I liked the setting as it really comes across as a gritty, realistic Middle Ages type of location with a strong emphasis on the geopolitics and strategic powers of the land. I could tell you put the time and effort into making this a fully fleshed out world with its unique setting.
If anything, the amount of backstory into certain elements of the story could be trimmed to allow for more writing for the present situation. I understand needing to spell out some of the ways of the world your writing about but too much backstory feels intrusive, like the author is peeking their head into the story rather than just letting the writing flow naturally.
| Zireael07 chapter 2 . 5/29/2012
Love the story! Will there be more?
| Tkc24601 chapter 1 . 1/22/2012
I confess I have been looking for stories to review in hopes of getting reviews for my own work. That has been hard as there is so much bad writing on this site and I won't lie to anyone. This however is quite good in my opinion. It needs some polishing but whose writing doesn't. You have talent and I hope you continue writing. My only criticism is that the second chapter did not seem to end properly it seems unfinished. Also the beginning of that chapter was written present tense "are over ten thousand" and "He is short". The rest of the story is in the standard past tense. But that is minor and easily fixed. I look forward to reading more.