|Reviews for Ring of the Cursed Pirate|
| hoping-to-be-helpful critic chapter 1 . 6/18/2012
Hello. Just thought I'd review your story. You have a good start, but there are a few details that I have to nit-pick. So when I leave a lot of critique, don't feel bad, because you do have the skill to be a writer. I'm just leaving a few sugestions to improve your style and hopefully the overall flow of your story.
First of all, I wouldn't consider telling the reader about the character's appearence a good way to start the story. I think it's better to be launched into the story straight away. That catches the reader's interest quicker than a character description. If you want to start by describing the character, though, try showing us something that not only describes her looks, but also her personality. Like... "The woman stepped from the Quarter Deck down to the Main Deck, her long, burgundy Captain's coat fluttering behind her. Her baggy white shirt, acquired from a recent raid, constrasted with the tan pants that were always neatly tucked into her boots as their heels clacked across the wooden deck. She inhaled, savouring the salty-sweet sea breeze that blew her short-red hair from her pretty face." That's just an example, but from it I would be able to tell: what she looks like; that she's the captain; that she's organized (her pants tucked neatly into her boots); and that she enjoys being on the water. Also, instead of just saying "The Captain walked", say how she walked. Does she saunter as if she owns the place? Does she skip with joy? Does she hold her head high? Does she slouch? How a person walks can say so much about who they are, so use that to your advantage.
Second, in real life, it would be unlikely that men would slack off while at sea. If they don't keep the ship running, their lives could be at stake. If they don't stay on course, they could get lost on the open seas and run out of supplies, or they could ram the ship into a rock, sinking it.
The way the crew acts around her is unrealistic. Stephan, being an eleven year old, should be more afraid of Leonora than anyone else on board, but he's the only one who seems comfortable around her besides Eric. And grown men are usually humiliated if they show even a hint of fear because of a woman, so it's unlikely that her crew would openly be terrified of her. And since she's a female captain, her crew might not even respect her, even if she's more than earned that respect. Is there a mutiny brewing? It's going to take more than her just acting tough to secure her position as captain. Her crew does outnumber her easily, so they have to have a very good reason not to throw her overboard, a reason that I'm not seeing in your story.
All in all, your story is readable. You have a good idea for your story and have good spelling and grammer, so you have your foundation laid. Just keep writing and best wishes to you and your story!