|Reviews for Singed, The basic version|
| Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 9/25/2012
I feel like the first paragraph is a bit erratic. You give a lot of information away very quickly and I think it would be easier for the reader if you went a little slower. You kind of use the same voice-over narration style as a tv show or a movie would have and I don’t think it works in this context as well as if you eased information to the reader.
The chapter itself was a little short. I feel like the main concentration should be on the accident, and not how the coffee pot broke, but I feel like the bulk of the chapter is spent on that. I’m also not sure about you’re A/N, you don’t want to tell the reader what happens in the next chapter, because that will make them *not* want to read the next chapter. You want to keep them guessing. Keep up the good work.
| Chromatic chapter 4 . 9/25/2012
Again your use of language here is complements the story. However, I'm not exactly drawn into the story very much. Seems to be missing some time of explosion or shock that would make the reader jump and continually click and attempt to find the next button. But the thing I wasn't so keen on was the name "Shadow Thief", personally I find it sounding a little cliche and typical. For example "Super Spider" It's quite bland.
As for throwing in a dragon and such, it seems a little ... out there.
| Chromatic chapter 1 . 9/25/2012
This prologue was pretty short and I think it would have done quite nicely with the summary of the story.
[I had become singed and it was all due to an accident that started with a simple short circurted wired which changed my life forever.]
This last sentence was the hook that really grabbed my attention to continue reading. What wasn't that interesting for me was the summary that doesn't do the prologue justice because of it's vagueness. However, your use of language was appealing to me as a reader.
| Annything chapter 2 . 9/25/2012
Well, I must say I do not like your way of explaining things. Instead of explaining things in first person, looking back on the incident, it would have made it more interesting to explain things in a different way. The description of the character really wasn't necessary, and I feel like you spent way too much detail on some things, and not nearly enough on the others.
For example, you could've said something about how scared he was, and how it all happened in a flash, and go more into the detail on the accident, rather than focusing on telling a story in the explaining manner that you have. The character's appearance isn't too important since this is still chapter one, also because it gets in the way of the story and comes off as boring, you probably should've just started describing the incident, and what took place.
I like the idea, I think it's very unique. I like the idea that some accident took place, and he was now singed forever, but I've seen a similar piece before. Nevertheless, it was a nice idea.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/17/2012
I like the opening sentence. I've long been a fan of starting off with the language itself and pointing out how sometimes, its vagueness or versatility makes it so unfit for describing the depth of reality involved in a specific situation its used to label.
I do think this is too short to set out completely on its own as a prologue, though. It's only three lines long. In my opinion it would be better suited to be tagged on to the beginning chapter (perhaps labeled "prologue" still, or simply italicize the whole thing to set it apart). On its own, though, it looks small and lonely. :P
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 4 . 9/13/2012
[I awoke to bright yellow lights. Lights that felt like they could shock me in an instant and kill me, they felt so real.] I like this imagery, but I think different punctuation could dress it up better. What about "I awoke to bright yellow lights - lights so real they could shock me and kill me."
I feel like the exposition of this is very blunt. Like you aren't trying to provide suspense or conflict here; you're just trying to dump everything out on paper, and it seems unfocused. I'd recommend giving information slowly and as the conflict demands.
| Persevera chapter 2 . 9/12/2012
I'll accept the premise that he was burned even though how he came to be burned doesn't sound logical. But I don't have a scientific mind.
Your last paragraph had a couple of typos-form instead of from, them instead of then
"I like that first statement about the accident. It all started when I spilled water on a coffee cup." It sounds so innocuous to have become so monumental
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/12/2012
A bit of a style thing, but perhaps put “accident” in quotation marks so we know you mean it as a stand-alone word and not a word in context. True, you can’t really read it the other way, but there are words where you can so it just makes things clearer.
I like how you defined “accident” without giving an actual definition. You’ve turned it into a concept/idea as opposed to something factual, and it makes me wonder exactly what concerning the accident makes it unusual in that sense. Maybe I’ll catch you again on the EF and continue on. :)
[it was all due to an accident that started with a simple short circurted wired which changed my life forever.] – I don’t like this line very much. First of all, “circurted” is actually spelt “circuited”, and “wired’ doesn’t really make sense in context – I think you might mean “wire” – but my main problem is with the “that” and “which”. Personally I’d try and avoid both in the same sentence as they mean relatively the same thing, but “that” is softer than “which” so I think it works better the other way around to what you have. After all, the wire is more closely related to the life-changing event than to the accident which is a more over-arching concept. It is a matter of style though.
| AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 3 . 8/30/2012
[it usually ends in a dead body and us moving again.] - Here I was just reading and then this makes me do a double take. Is this for real or just a joke!? I read on and I know understand.
I HATE cliffhangers(:
Okay well, your dialogue has improved greatly and this chapter seems much more natural.
| AmericanBeauty-AmericanPsycho chapter 2 . 8/30/2012
'singed'. What does that mean!? I'm a little confused. Your hook isn't strong and your dialogue is pretty flat. However, I am going to read on to learn what this 'singed' is.
The manner in which you told this story is interesting, but I feel like your characters have no emotion.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 3 . 7/8/2012
It's good, but I'm worried about the dialogue. You don't have to have nearly as many tags in a conversation between two people, and it's most common to put them after the dialogue. You need a comma after "said", the way you have it.
I like that you consistently use "said", though, instead of some other crap. Nicely done.
| YFIQ chapter 3 . 7/4/2012
This is getting weirder by the chapter.
| YFIQ chapter 2 . 7/4/2012
Bit of a mind screw and it's kind of funny.
| YFIQ chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
Indeed we will.
| Guest chapter 3 . 7/3/2012
For those without basic knowledge, a werewolf scratch turns you into a werewolf and a vampire bite turns you into a vampire but the tricky things about hybrids of the two is that both ways that a vampire and werewolf can change you applies to a vampire-werewolf
Did not know that - my supernatural lore is sorely lacking. That was a good explanation.
Let the cliffhangers continue...Marla