Reviews for Book 1: Dishonoured
AquariusGirl230191 chapter 1 . 5/21/2012
Hello :)

Opening: I like the opening and wanted to find out more about Lindsey. She seems like an interesting character.

However - some things that might help make your opening even better:

You seem to have a few setences that seem to be stating the obvious. For example; "started to head home. The traffic was bad ON HER WAY HOME," - as you see in capitals - you have stated twice that Lindsey is on her way home, which we, as a reader already know. Perhaps putting something like "started to head home. Lindsey tapped her steering wheel impatiently; the traffic had come to a standstill but was something to be expected from the city of New York." - this is stating the same thing but without mentioning twice that she is on her way home.

Please don't take offense - I'm not doing this to rip your story apart I am just trying to be constructive :) Take / leave my advice as you see fit.

Dialogue - You seem to use speech tags a bit too much . What I mean by this is, you state who is talking although we as a reader already know.

"Everything okay, Mrs. Coleman?" Asked Lindsey fine

"Yes dear" Mrs. Coleman replied - not really needed because we already know it is Mrs Coleman speaking.

I noticed it further down with the "Hello." Lindsay said answering

then;

"Hello?" Linsday said again.

In this instance we already gather that Linsdey is talking. You could instead write it as

"Hello?"

With no speech tag or you could put:

"Hello?" She said

Either way sounds a bit better and isn't as repetative to a reader.

You seem to do this several times throughout the story. Maybe switch up a character name with "he" or "she" every once in a while :)

Overall plot: A good, strong plot that had me wanting to read more! I loved it and it had a great pace :) I loved the cliffhanger at the end and can't wait to read more!

One more note: "Look, blood" Travis whispered.

I would change to

"Look!" Travis gasped, "Blood!"

Anyway as stated please don't take offense at my comments / advice. I mean them only in a helpful way :)

I enjoyed this opening chapter and look forward to reading more in the future!

Take Care

Vicky (AquariusGirl1991)