Reviews for Book 1: Dishonoured
AquariusGirl230191 chapter 1 . 5/21/2012
Hello :)

Opening: I like the opening and wanted to find out more about Lindsey. She seems like an interesting character.

However - some things that might help make your opening even better:

You seem to have a few setences that seem to be stating the obvious. For example; "started to head home. The traffic was bad ON HER WAY HOME," - as you see in capitals - you have stated twice that Lindsey is on her way home, which we, as a reader already know. Perhaps putting something like "started to head home. Lindsey tapped her steering wheel impatiently; the traffic had come to a standstill but was something to be expected from the city of New York." - this is stating the same thing but without mentioning twice that she is on her way home.

Please don't take offense - I'm not doing this to rip your story apart I am just trying to be constructive :) Take / leave my advice as you see fit.

Dialogue - You seem to use speech tags a bit too much . What I mean by this is, you state who is talking although we as a reader already know.

"Everything okay, Mrs. Coleman?" Asked Lindsey fine

"Yes dear" Mrs. Coleman replied - not really needed because we already know it is Mrs Coleman speaking.

I noticed it further down with the "Hello." Lindsay said answering


"Hello?" Linsday said again.

In this instance we already gather that Linsdey is talking. You could instead write it as


With no speech tag or you could put:

"Hello?" She said

Either way sounds a bit better and isn't as repetative to a reader.

You seem to do this several times throughout the story. Maybe switch up a character name with "he" or "she" every once in a while :)

Overall plot: A good, strong plot that had me wanting to read more! I loved it and it had a great pace :) I loved the cliffhanger at the end and can't wait to read more!

One more note: "Look, blood" Travis whispered.

I would change to

"Look!" Travis gasped, "Blood!"

Anyway as stated please don't take offense at my comments / advice. I mean them only in a helpful way :)

I enjoyed this opening chapter and look forward to reading more in the future!

Take Care

Vicky (AquariusGirl1991)