|Reviews for Hansel and Gretel: Vampires in the Dawn|
| Alteng chapter 3 . 12/20/2015
okay, I have finished reading this story, and I wanted to get to bed early, too mind you . . . I work night shift, and 9AM is past my bedtime.
The gun is a confusing thing in this story. It would depend upon the time frame of this story. I always saw the story 17th Century or before. Guns were one shot pistols then. (Mind you, I got a good laugh out of the series "Salem" over John offering to shot another guy after he had already shot the pistol.) But more to the point, where did Gretel get the gun. Did the witch have a gun hidden away in the fire wood? That seems to be a strange place to keep a weapon, unless she had a special reason. Tell us that reason. Of course, if Gretel is doing the house cleaning, she was likely be able to find the gun in a closet or cabinet.
Again, depending upon how you want us to view the children and the witch, you can do things that would imply that she was doing what was good, and the children could be delusional. After all, if you were a little old woman, and you caught two children in the same bed doing what they were doing, what would you do? You can run this back a bit more in time, as an old lady or 17th Century or before (hell, even in the 20th Century . . . check out "Flowers in the Attic"), what would she do finding them in the act of sex? You can come up with some cruel punishments without her being a witch, even to the point of locking Hansel in a cage and keeping him away from Gretel. The children would see this as an act or betrayal all the same.
Ah, and all that cooked flesh gone to waste. I was hoping they would have eaten the witch. You know, there is legend/ folklore about eating the flesh of an enemy to gain his/ her power. The same can be said of blood, mind you.
You have Gretel blast the stepmother repeatedly, but outside my question about the type of gun, I think that taking a knife and repeatedly stabbing her could be so much more fun. Blood would splatter everywhere, then she could lick the blood off the knife with a big grin. Do I worry you?
The scene with the deer, you don't need to tell us about the insanity of Gretel killing it, drinking its blood, then praying for its soul. Of course, she could be doing things like pulling out organs and bathing in its blood as well. (I am writing a story about an insane, little inbreeded fellow, who tried to kill and eat his nephew, mind you. Insanity can be fun to write!).
One thing I have seen as far as grammar goes is that you do a lot of tense changes. You need to stay in past tense or present. Present is a pain in the ass to write, mind you.
I will give you on the good point that the story did circle around well, and I was glad that you had the kids kill the father.
| Alteng chapter 2 . 12/20/2015
Ah, but the old witch has the signs of being a good person, because the animals like her and her house. Granted, I haven't read the last chapter of this story, but this has potentials for the witch being a good woman, and, maybe not a witch at all, because you have mentioned several times about the twins' insanity.
Also, I cannot see them facing down a lion in the woods. To me, it would see more likely that they would run into a wolf. A bear would be too big. A wolf is a formidable opponent, all the same. Also, I would think that they would be slinging rocks instead of pebbles. A pebble is not going to do much.
Again, I would like to see the story more expanded. Take time with the fight, the emotional contact between the two, and the encounter with the witch. It would be really neat if you were able to show the insanity without telling us about it. Maybe, Hansel could beat at the lion well after it is dead. the sexual encounter speaks for itself, but they would have to have the knowledge that what they are doing is wrong. After all, they are living in an isolated place. The witch encounter might be able to stay as is, and it could all be an illusion that they both have. Or maybe Hansel convinces Gretel of the strangeness of the woman and house.
| Alteng chapter 1 . 12/20/2015
Since I have an interest in German fairy tales, I chose this one. I had read through your latest story's "Subject 0001: I am Free", but I need to think about that one a bit. It is better written than this one, I will say, but that is a writer's evolution.
Alright, I was intrigued by where you were going in this story by the title and summary, but you tell way too much. I want to see the abuse from the stepmother first hand. I want to see the children's resistance to what she asks of them. Mind you, I am sickened by the thought of the sexual acts between two young children. I have always thought of Hansel and Gretel as being around 8 or so. You might want to say how old they are. Mind you, I am not grossed out by the incest.
The vampirism, I have to think on as well. In a way, I like how that develops, but I would think that the stepmother would leave fresh enough wounds without them needing to inflict them upon themselves, unless you want to imply that they are starting to enjoy the S&M thing. Oh God! That is even sicker with the thought of 8 year olds!
I don't know where you are going with the thought of the vampirism, but it could have been an interesting thing if the death of the mother was due to their births. Think of the gory implications there.
The last line is rather ironic in that do they not have a twisted life already?
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 8/1/2015
I decided to give this a read but it looks as if it was done quite a while back no idea whether your interested in receiving feedback at this late point but oh well.
Truth be told I really don't know how the original fairy tail actually goes so I can't make any comparisons there. I kind of like the idea of the two already being broken and the hemophilia. but I was kind of expecting them to murder the step mother in the woods, if only to make me laugh.
Now onto the technical side I picked up a few things such as you constantly used the word "spoke" as a tag for the dialogue I suggest you give a bit more of a variety. There was more than enough repetition in this chapter I know sometimes it is unavoidable but I would try and reword your sentences so the same word doesn't appear multiple times. In addition I felt there was way too many "and" & "then" in this, there was even sentences that began with the word "and" this is something I feel you should never do, so I'd check that out if you can. The other matter I've mentioned to you before is try and cut the word count down without touching the content. Well I'll stop harping on regarding all this.
Here's a few minor suggestions that I noticed whilst reading the chapter take with a grain of salt.
spoke a cold harsh voice of a woman - spoke a woman's cold harsh voice
A man stood remaining [quite] - [quiet]
both remained [quite] - [quiet]
They would [each other] cut one - [omit out]
their pure, sweet and innocent world [was now] lost - [omit out]
The two [now] still in panic - [omit]
And [father], he would simply - [Father]
After some time she convinced [of] the Father to abandon - [omit] and I'm not 100% sure but if you're putting it as the Father, I don't think it needs capitalising, I believe you only do that if it is being a replacement for a name.
several small stone in his [back] - ?[bag]?
During [their] time they rest - [the]
[and] Gretel instant lunged - [omit]
Hansel blushed [at bit] but then a - [omit out/or change to "a bit"]
[And] Hansel happily chased - [omit out]
[The] then licked off the blood - ?[She]?
Their way out[, now all but] lost - [omit out]
Well good luck to you.
| 360pages chapter 1 . 7/30/2015
Hmm, this might sound weird, but why not combine all your parts into one giant story. It seems that would help a lot more and be less taxing on the reader.
| Gravitation fan chapter 3 . 7/20/2014
Oh my God. What. The. Fuck. That was...a...fucking masterpiece! I have seen them in episode on Black Lagoon and I have read the book (original story) and you were faithful to both versions and to be honest, I really have fucked up mind sometimes so the idea of a dark, and incestuous version of Hansel and Gretel intrigues me. Do more! Make them a little older though I didn't really like them having sex while thinking they're still kids. I may like heterosexual, homosexual, straight and incestuous romance but not when mixed with children. I'm not a pedo. Anyway other than that it was very creative. Very...how would Indina Menzel put it...wicked. Do more. Maybe make them adoptive parents and their new reason to kill the evil in the world so their son doesn't become consumed by it like they were. Bye.
| crystalita09 chapter 3 . 7/8/2013
| crystalita09 chapter 1 . 6/19/2013
| Cancelled account chapter 1 . 11/7/2012
Love it. The plot is great and I read the sequel. You should continue!
| TheAlmightyMe chapter 3 . 10/9/2012
Wait, isn't this from Black Lagoon?
| Lee Sempai chapter 3 . 6/28/2012
It was so wrong... But so FREAKIN RIGHT! I am glad I am not the only one who writes about incest! I write about hansel and Gretel too! Do read it! This was good!
| Lee Sempai chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
o-o That...Was.. AWSOME! Amazing idea! Please update!