|Reviews for Hansel and Gretel: Vampires in the Dawn|
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 8/1
I decided to give this a read but it looks as if it was done quite a while back no idea whether your interested in receiving feedback at this late point but oh well.
Truth be told I really don't know how the original fairy tail actually goes so I can't make any comparisons there. I kind of like the idea of the two already being broken and the hemophilia. but I was kind of expecting them to murder the step mother in the woods, if only to make me laugh.
Now onto the technical side I picked up a few things such as you constantly used the word "spoke" as a tag for the dialogue I suggest you give a bit more of a variety. There was more than enough repetition in this chapter I know sometimes it is unavoidable but I would try and reword your sentences so the same word doesn't appear multiple times. In addition I felt there was way too many "and" & "then" in this, there was even sentences that began with the word "and" this is something I feel you should never do, so I'd check that out if you can. The other matter I've mentioned to you before is try and cut the word count down without touching the content. Well I'll stop harping on regarding all this.
Here's a few minor suggestions that I noticed whilst reading the chapter take with a grain of salt.
spoke a cold harsh voice of a woman - spoke a woman's cold harsh voice
A man stood remaining [quite] - [quiet]
both remained [quite] - [quiet]
They would [each other] cut one - [omit out]
their pure, sweet and innocent world [was now] lost - [omit out]
The two [now] still in panic - [omit]
And [father], he would simply - [Father]
After some time she convinced [of] the Father to abandon - [omit] and I'm not 100% sure but if you're putting it as the Father, I don't think it needs capitalising, I believe you only do that if it is being a replacement for a name.
several small stone in his [back] - ?[bag]?
During [their] time they rest - [the]
[and] Gretel instant lunged - [omit]
Hansel blushed [at bit] but then a - [omit out/or change to "a bit"]
[And] Hansel happily chased - [omit out]
[The] then licked off the blood - ?[She]?
Their way out[, now all but] lost - [omit out]
Well good luck to you.
| 360pages chapter 1 . 7/30
Hmm, this might sound weird, but why not combine all your parts into one giant story. It seems that would help a lot more and be less taxing on the reader.
| Gravitation fan chapter 3 . 7/20/2014
Oh my God. What. The. Fuck. That was...a...fucking masterpiece! I have seen them in episode on Black Lagoon and I have read the book (original story) and you were faithful to both versions and to be honest, I really have fucked up mind sometimes so the idea of a dark, and incestuous version of Hansel and Gretel intrigues me. Do more! Make them a little older though I didn't really like them having sex while thinking they're still kids. I may like heterosexual, homosexual, straight and incestuous romance but not when mixed with children. I'm not a pedo. Anyway other than that it was very creative. Very...how would Indina Menzel put it...wicked. Do more. Maybe make them adoptive parents and their new reason to kill the evil in the world so their son doesn't become consumed by it like they were. Bye.
| crystalita09 chapter 3 . 7/8/2013
| crystalita09 chapter 1 . 6/19/2013
| Cancelled account chapter 1 . 11/7/2012
Love it. The plot is great and I read the sequel. You should continue!
| TheAlmightyMe chapter 3 . 10/9/2012
Wait, isn't this from Black Lagoon?
| Lee Sempai chapter 3 . 6/28/2012
It was so wrong... But so FREAKIN RIGHT! I am glad I am not the only one who writes about incest! I write about hansel and Gretel too! Do read it! This was good!
| Lee Sempai chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
o-o That...Was.. AWSOME! Amazing idea! Please update!