|Reviews for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon|
| FallenCrest chapter 35 . 11/13/2013
love it! wish i knew the unborn baby's gender though. :)
| cressey chapter 35 . 10/29/2013
Really fallen in love with these characters. Thanks for sharing your stories.
| inwardtransience chapter 35 . 8/3/2013
[...the person could simply slid the duo to the next person in their little circle.]
[...than when she was pregnant with Xi.]
I didn't like this chapter. It was mostly unnecessary. The bit with Xol at the end was better said than not said, but I figure it would be better placed at the end of the previous chapter, and scraping the rest of it. That's probably just me though. I don't like this kind of thing, this pointless fast-forward where everything is happy and perfect. It all just feels so floaty to me, like it's something out of context, unconnected to everything. I don't know. Don't like it.
There's not much I can say I didn't already say for Tears of the Sun, as far as the writing quality goes. They are very similar. Actually I think this one is heavier on the dialog and thinner on the narration, which is a little sad. But I don't like Baying for the Moon nearly as much. I have pretty much already told you why. The conflict is all external. Everyone is happy. Happy people with no internal conflict just really bore me. And then there was the preaching. Lots and lots of preaching. That just got on my nerves.
So. Sequel to a story I absolutely love, that I pretty much feel completely meh about. But I also felt pretty meh about your other stories that I've read. Just not my style I guess.
Sorry if these reviews have turned a little harsh. I'm pretty picky about a lot of things, and sound meaner sometimes than I mean to be.
I wish you good luck on future writing.
| inwardtransience chapter 34 . 8/3/2013
[She traced over the baby's moon mark on her forehead and made the symbol for the child's right cheek.]
I'm assuming that's supposed to be "symbol for the sun on the"
[...so far away that when the royal family exited the couch...]
[She had been blind upon birth, but that faded within a couple of days.]
[Days past and Xi was finally showing signs...]
["I would not swing my sword with Xi in my arms. Are you insane? I would give her to Lucia first."]
lol You're funny, Olga. I still hate you, but you're funny.
[...and thus safe should the crowd because a mob...]
[...open court below the hall that Ileana decided to hold the affair in.]
I don't like this chapter either. I don't know why. It's just all so...meh. I don't know why I feel that way. I guess it's just, as I said earlier, that all the conflict is external. It doesn't really feel like anyone is going anywhere. But I always feel like that when people are happy. Happy stories bore me. So it may just be me. Even so, I feel this ending is pretty flat. But a lot of this story is flat (to me anyway) so that might not mean much.
One more to go.
| inwardtransience chapter 33 . 8/3/2013
[Ileana felt like she could not get a spare minutes...]
[Santo was surprised by Ileana's size the last time he saw her...]
"had been" "had seen"
["How can we explain that I am carrying your child given to us by the gods?"
"Just like that! You're pregnant with our child, our flesh and blood, because of the gods. What more do they want?"]
lol Xol you're adorable
[...the aura that she began giving off made their all squirm.]
[Of course, the fact that she almost killed the whole Council...]
"had almost killed"
[But, he wisely beat a hasty retreat than stay and tried to exchange barbs with Ileana.]
"rather than stay and try"
[No one was quite sure what changed for the Queen...]
[...something very simple brought Ileana more enjoy than anything else could...]
[She found Ileana just as she left her that morning...]
[She knew what to expect and had been in labor for almost an hour before she actually sent for her doctors; she had work she needed to finish.]
[...and she found herself not longer able to handle the contractions.]
Another meh chapter. The dialog was awkward in fewer places than usual. Many places in the chapter could have used more description than they got. Like the labor/birth. It was a little disappointing after the long buildup, but I guess that happens. Meh.
| inwardtransience chapter 32 . 8/3/2013
[...to remind everyone that they were all in on for the long haul and wanted best for the country...]
"in it for" "the best" Although I don't really like the use of this idiom anyway.
[...cat was regulated to a large space in the gardens...]
[...them about the new laws she drafted.]
[Usually the Council held some form of civility since Ileana took over...]
"had taken over"
[...all Hell would break loose if anyone asked how it happened.]
[...they would find out in a rather awkward away.]
[...or be able to pinpoint who said such a hateful thing.]
[Chuachin cannot claim to be so tolerate and then kill itself...]
I was thinking this was a pretty meh chapter. More baby stuff, more country stuff. Most things could have used more description. And then there was the preaching at the end. I really don't like the preaching. It turned this chapter from one I just felt meh about into one I disliked. I just...bad preaching. Bad.
| inwardtransience chapter 31 . 8/3/2013
[ lighting ceremony candles and then dipping]
[...I truly believe in are the one's my wife worships.]
[...which is virtually impossible as she a female and so am I.]
[...but I will do whatever I can do serve you and your names well.]
Either add "to" or change "do"
[Xol's chest felt tight and she could not breath. ]
[And here it is I thought you were the tough one...]
This wording is pretty confused.
[Once Xol regarded consciousness...]
[ If it wasn't for you two...]
[...almost as if she was trying to figure...]
[Miss Olga was in a way very tradition...]
I felt pretty meh about this chapter too. Even though something pretty big happened in it. I didn't really like how their prayers were worded. The dialog was awkward. Little narration where it could have been used to great effect. All around meh.
Meh seems to be my opinion on most of these chapters doesn't it xD
| inwardtransience chapter 30 . 8/2/2013
[Mei might not have gotten curious if only Xol did not press her for the ritual...]
"had not pressed"
[...you will bake it into small cake...]
[It is just a like when a man and a woman try to have a baby.]
Extra "a" this time. Oh how they migrate.
[The tattoo of a circle that was half darkened in made her blink before she followed through with her idea.]
Um. I'm not sure what's going on here.
[...looking like she was rolling around in one of the many nearby bogs.]
["It's a long story, involving the gods, Ileana, me, and the want of a baby along with flowers and baking."
"Why is it that you never make sense when you go about something on your own?"]
["Get me a grandkid!"
"Then you'll really be an elder."
"I'll take it for a grandkid!"]
[Ileana was putting things away from the evening...]
[Xol held up her bounty as if it was the precious thing to ever exist.]
[Xol held herself up on arm while the other moved to sweetly fondle her beloved.]
"up on one arm"
[...so she made due.]
More sex. It didn't seem very well written to me this time, but I'm not the best judge of sexy stuff, so grain of salt. This just felt meh to me again. But most all of this story is meh, so you're probably getting tired of hearing me say that. The little bit with Fry was kinda funny. Other than that, meh.
Onwards and blah blah blah.
| inwardtransience chapter 29 . 8/2/2013
Poor Xol :c
[...now that the daijinn and the humans decided that they could not get along.]
[His voice boomed through out the room and his thin, feline-like tale thrashed behind him, making his whole body seemed angry.]
Whoops. "tail" "seem"
[She's mated to the Queen, who may will also be divine if her marks mean anything...]
[Leave the one places that's put you in chains and pull your reins every damn chance they get!]
"Leave the one place that hasn't put" "pulled"
[Don't try to make this less of what it is.]
I get a little more annoyed by the "build up" / "tear down" contrast every time it happens.
[Ileana's head shot up at the sound her mother's voice.]
[Ileana, one argument does not drop you to the bottom her favorite person list..]
[...Ileana answered and she recounted the tale that Xol told her...]
[...who can shot fire...]
[...ridiculous as the legend that Xol told the other night.]
[The smile that light up Xol's face could have rivaled the light from the sun.]
Plenty of preaching in this one. All that preaching is a big reason I don't really like Baying for the Moon. This was a meh chapter again. I might have thought it was okay if it weren't for all that preaching in the middle and the dialog tags, which are getting more on my nerves as time goes on. I am tired of "declared" and "inquired" xD
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 28 . 8/2/2013
I like how Xol keeps swearing when Ileana isn't around lol
[...secretly held hostilities toward the daijinn and that were likely to come out after a few drinks.]
[If it was anything like what happened in the previous years...]
[They got the feeling that it had to do with a lot of people felt like their wedding symbolized...]
[...servants gave the Consort a scolding and judgmental looks for an entire month.]
["Yu would never say anything like that because he's seen me on the battlefield. I am not adorable."
"Continue what you were saying, adorable."]
[All of the guests made a show of the gifts that they brought with them...]
[...neither she nor Xol could figure out what Arrigo was up with getting married.]
[...then get then hell out of our nation.]
[...grinned as she saw that Ileana got her comfortable shoes.]
[...amulet that Xol decided to use as a gift.]
Poor Xol :c
This was a pretty meh chapter again, with some unnecessary recapping and preaching. I do like how even after all she's improved, Xol still isn't 100% better. At least that's the way I interpret her crying over something so simple. I could have used more narration on that, which would have been able to validate or repudiate my theory, but that's okay. I'm used to the scarcity of description, even if it still makes me a little sad. So much potential...
Anyway. Meh chapter. Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 27 . 8/2/2013
[...but the most part, there neighbors had become allies of sorts in at least trade.]
"but for the"
[They also made good use of the money that came from the wars four years ago...]
[She never expected to run into an argument between vendors, though.]
[At least one of you know to respect the Chief...]
[...because she did not know that she was expected to come bearing gifts.]
"had not known"
[Also, the daijinn would never forgive you if divorced the Consort.]
"you if you"
[...were able to look at reproducing as much part of their job as monarch.]
"as a part"
[They were both sneakier than Massimo ever was.]
[Most of the state guards were part-time until Ileana could find out why the crime rate had gone up so much. When she found out, it was easy enough to handle, but it left her close circle wanting revenge with Arrigo. They got their wish by turning the men he paid and helped those men con Arrigo out of much of his wealth.]
"had been" "had found" "had been easy" "had left" "had gotten" "helping"
[...and every problem that came her way during her reign.]
"had come" but I think it might be optional
[Just like when she was in Basilinar...]
[ I didn't know being married meant giving a present every year on the day we got married. Who thinks of this stuff?]
[The smaller daijinn bowed a little a sign of thanks...]
"little as a"
Another chapter that was pretty meh. There was a bit of preaching again, which you know I don't like. Xol getting all anxious about an anniversary gift is adorable. I kinda feel bad for her again. The heir thing is a realistic little concern to bring up, and the Councilwoman managed to annoy me a bit. Of course Ileana did too, blowing up on her like that, but oh well. Anyway, meh chapter.
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 26 . 8/2/2013
[...who suddenly found Ileana's lap the most comfortable place in the world lately.]
"had suddenly found"
[I do not think your brothers are silly enough to try the same thing that Massimo did...]
...Yes, I suppose silly is a word for it.
[...purposely turning the conversation to her grandfather.]
[Lucia nodded and took a deep of breath.]
[The battle was not what the Chuachin military expected.]
[She should have been in the bed.]
[...especially soon you will undoubtedly have to negotiate the peace between us and your father]
"especially since soon"?
[...Xol was almost scared of herself and she hoped that what they described was not truly what she seemed like when using her blessing.]
Starting to figure out you're scary as shit, huh?
[...Ileana remarked as she snuggled into Xol warm, nude body.]
[...reminding her of when she was younger and she thought the cape was alive.]
"she had been" (optional) "had thought" (not optional)
[...he was clearly thinner than he used to be.]
[...she was willing to bet that he showed up to intimidate her.]
"had showed up"
[She had learned from others that he made a lot of wild promises and spoke of massive treasures from his conquest of Chuachin, which of course did not happen.]
"had made" "spoken" "had not happened"
[In the end, Ileana and Xol got everything they wanted and were more...]
"had gotten" (optional) "had wanted" (not optional)
[They had the final word with the king.]
This chapter seems rushed in some places. I mean, a lot happens in it. I think this could have used a little more with Vladimir, too. Their problems with Vladimir were hanging over everyone's heads in the Tears of the Sun, and just having this little bit to close it doesn't feel like it lives up to expectations. It just feels like a...I don't know. Less than it could be.
Part two done yaaaaaay
| inwardtransience chapter 25 . 8/2/2013
[...even after she sent Massimo away to be exiled...]
[...to a letter that had arrived away few days ago.]
[...Xol had a good idea as to who spilled the beans.]
[Any captured officers could bring a rich random, as many of the Cersan officers proved.]
"ransom" and "had proven"
[The last war, it was difficult scraping together everything that the military needed.]
"had been difficult" "had needed"
[They have ships build for traveling on rivers...]
Aaaaaand Vladimir is still an asshat. Not surprising.
Another meh chapter. There was some preachiness again, but not overmuch. Everything was as it usually is. I'm not sure I very much like the decision to have them go to war twice in such quick succession, but it's not that big of a deal. I giggle whenever Xol swears.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 24 . 8/2/2013
[...through the city to palace where the Queen met them.]
[...all of the loot that they brought back from the battles.]
[But, the war united them all with a common cause, common concern, and a common enemy.]
[She liked that the Cersans were reminded that they were defeated quite soundly.]
"had been defeated"
[He looked like what she expected.]
[...and being on the first name basis with them.]
[...as if Adan did not realize what happened because he was looking around...]
[...every single thing and beyond that she and her people agreed on...]
[Second, she demanded that Cersa return the land that they conquered...]
"had conquered" but I think that verb is a little stranger here anyway
[After all, he thought that he was going to come into their country...]
[...and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.]
[...as if protecting her from the barbed insults that had past.]
[While Ileana was not likely abuse it or purposely hurt anyone...]
[Xol knew was an inheritance from her father...]
"knew that was"
[...while Vladimir did seemed to get a certain amount of glee...]
"had seemed" or "did seem"
[...but she knew that was the case.]
"that would be"
[The request for low tariffs and markets for trade and Cersa were also granted.]
This chapter was better. There was a little more narration than usual, and the dialog seemed a little less forced. It was nice seeing Ileana and Xol throwing their weight around a little. Well, maybe more than a little xD There were still a couple moments of preaching, but they didn't detract from the chapter too much. Overall, an okay chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 23 . 8/2/2013
[...long before her group that defended Basilinar.]
[Her eyes shined and she felt like...]
While "shined" is technically correct, it sounds really weird to me. I use "shone"
Another chapter I was meh about. Things that could have used plenty of description, like Xol snapping, got not nearly enough. Actually, how Xol feels channeling the tears could use more description in general. I can not imagine what that would feel like, and I don't get much of an impression of it from the way you write. I've mostly filled it in with my own imagination, but it's probably different from what you intend. Anyway, meh chapter, could have used more description.
And I'm going to bed.