|Reviews for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon|
| inwardtransience chapter 22 . 8/2/2013
[There were ships handing toward Basilinar and Ro Ryuon..]
Wrong body part lol
[The soldiers had come to respect her after she showed off her brain...]
"had showed off"
[Xol nodded when he inspection was done.]
Missing an "r"
[...just a little lighter than the last time he saw them.]
[They were much lighter than when they first got into the country.]
"had first gotten"
[They had already fell several trees...]
"felled" I know it sounds funny, but it's right.
[It was mistake.]
"had been a"
[...were gone before the enemy realized what they had done. Unfortunately, all of their hits were not that clean.]
"had been gone" "had realized" "had not been"
[...considering the rush training that they had.]
[Wait, are you trying to say my beloved cannot read or write?]
Wait. Wait wait. Wasn't she playing around reading and writing on scrolls back in Tears of the Sun? O_o
[...west and then look the battlefield over.]
A little thicker narration this time, not surprisingly. This chapter was a little better, I guess. It was still less description than I would like, but better. But then there was that preaching at the end. You do like to do that. This story is full of it. One of the reasons I don't like it as much as the first one.
One more before I pass out, I think.
| inwardtransience chapter 21 . 8/2/2013
[The royal tour of the country was over quickly as they made it a point to only be gone for three months.]
[It was just as destitute as Basilinar had been and they took to improvements just as eagerly as Basilinar did.]
"It had been" "had taken to" "had" (the second two are optional)
[She would have it restored to its past glory.]
The phrase is usually "former glory"
[I am very adapt at living in a fast paced city.]
Not sure what you were going for here. "adept at"? "adapted to"?
] At first, Xol thought it was ridiculous because she never really used an office before...]
"had never really used"
[Honestly, we have over ten...]
I'm not sure "honestly" makes sense here.
[He had a sharp mind that intrigued Xol the moment that she spoke to him.]
"had intrigued" "had spoken"
[ It helped that he showed her respect before even realizing that she was the Consort.]
[...she knew that she was right in giving him the chance.]
"had been right"
[He was another noble young man that showed promise...]
[She found a bunch of hungry young men...]
[He was Dario and Xol had to bring him along...]
"had had to"
[...actual former general he was playing again.]
"had been playing against"
[After speaking with him, she found that his mind went beyond analytical.]
[...one of the two women that Xol enlisted.]
Missing a "said"
[...while she was away.]
It gets really confusing when you have the dialog tag after a long block of text. I can't tell who's talking until the end.
[Ileana was surprised that she finished her meetings before Xol was done with hers...]
[It is time for us to grow, rise up, and blossom into beautiful flowers...]
[Leon was doing his best to not to appear bored...]
Delete a "to"
[...who's replies were copied.]
Finally getting Massimo. Took a few chapters. The dialog at the end there was really awkward, and it strongly detracted from the scene for me. This chapter was also pretty meh. Lots of awkward dialog, more external conflict. The only reason I'm sticking with this is a dedication to finishing my reviews, and a little bit just because I still like Xol. If not for those, I would have quit by now.
| inwardtransience chapter 20 . 8/2/2013
[...they would have to send Yu through the swamp for him to sketch the wild life.]
Delete "for him"
[She supposed that was why she moved her tribe out of that dark, stifling cave so many years ago.]
["They would still hear us."
"Yeah, they would," she boasted.]
[...had also invited everyone to picnic that she planned.]
"a picnic" " had planned"
[...because the town was just as rundown as she expected.]
That was a really awkward little speech. I wouldn't have cheered for it.
[When she was the chief of her tribe...]
[...they did live in a country where there were probably no more than five hundred thousand people in the first place.]
Five hundred thousand is kind of a lot, for this level of communication and transportation.
[...slightly bigger than the one they left back in Basilinar.]
[...yet they looked more pathetic than the group back at Basilinar ever did.]
This is more of the same. Thin narration, lots of dialog. There was a fair amount of preachiness with the daijinn. I'm not getting used to it. Whenever Xol or Ileana talk about how they feel about each other it always sounds so forced and fake to me, but maybe that's just because I don't know how couples talk when they're happy. Says a lot about me, huh? The dialog between them is a little smoother though, so that's a plus. Overall, I still feel pretty meh about this chapter too.
| inwardtransience chapter 19 . 8/2/2013
[...but Ileana was more than thankfully for the servant's treachery.]
[No, if I was...]
"if it were"
[Still, those men that fought under Massimo...]
[There were more men than Xol expected and she just studied them for a moment.]
[...taking notes as Xol filled her in on what happened at the meeting.]
[She would let the swearing slid since it seemed like Xol was getting through better than she had.]
["Go the village and we will send the physician.]
[Her tone was mocking and she regretted it the instance she said it...]
[...or actually loyal to Massimo for whatever reason.]
This made me giggle. I don't know why.
[Ileana smiled because Xol managed to avoid swearing.]
[...even though Ileana told her to take sons.]
[She also took five of the original men that presented themselves as generals.]
[...even though Xol's instinctively knew all of her picks were with them.]
As usual, thin narration, lots of dialog. When I first saw the blockiness of the paragraphs at the end I was a little hopeful, but it turned out to just be a big summary, so oh well. There was some preaching again, with the healers. Seeing Xol with the army stuff will be interesting, because it's clearly what she's built for. She is blessed by a warrior goddess, after all. Another pretty meh chapter for me.
| inwardtransience chapter 18 . 8/2/2013
[...made things much more wide reaching.]
"far reaching" would probably sound more natural.
[She learned about one of Xol's other talents from when she was a leader.]
"had been a leader"
[...was getting life breathed back into with those businesses.]
[Ileana actually encouraged the idea that daijinn live Basilinar rather than the daijinn village.]
[...which caused an bit of a problem in the daijinn community...]
[...but the meat could be used to. ]
[They loved what they were doing and why there were doing it.]
[She was certain that she heard wrong...]
[...gazing around in wander while following Yu...]
[...on their little island when she left.]
[She never imagined that she would see her former companion ever again.]
"had never imagined"
[ I just want to make sure its clear that Xol is my mate and my wife...]
[...and you know what she is capable.]
"capable of" or "that she is"
[One in the same.]
[She could not believe it. Her uncle was beyond a malcontent. He was a traitor.]
I'm not sure if you should be that surprised, Ileana xD
Another meh chapter. I somewhat liked the denser narration at the beginning. The presentation if not the content. It's a little odd to me how more or less smoothly everything is going, and maybe a little boring. I know there are problems coming up, but I think it's a little odd how nice everything is running. Maybe that's just me. I think it's odd that Cersa would choose now, as the country is starting to get back on its feet, to attack, but oh well. Lots of odd things, I guess.
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 17 . 8/1/2013
[Imagining what it will like if you could have a baby,]
"Imagining what it would be like if you could have a baby?"
[The daijinn refuse to give up the secret on how its made...]
[They wasted no time working up hard and heavy rhythm.]
"up a hard"
[...wanting to get as many trade agreements and allies as she could up with.]
I'm not sure what that's supposed to say.
[... make the country as great as it once was, if not better.]
"had once been"
[His face light up at that, even though he was aware of that the land was there for the daijinn now.]
Firstly, "lit". Secondly...huh?
[ I met with some of the daijinn and found out things that they had items to trade...]
[...communications with everywhere else in the country needs to get better...]
[...so if she was looking for engineers...]
Another meh chapter. I think the way they talked during the sex part was really, really weird, but I'm not a great basis for that kind of thing, so I don't know. Other than that, this was pretty much a bunch of dialog I don't have a lot to say about.
| inwardtransience chapter 16 . 8/1/2013
[...Yu to translate what he said before she began her retort.]
[...your people together those you share a nation with.]
Missing a "with"
[...of what her beloved was like when she was the chief of a whole tribe.]
"had been like" "had been the"
[...looking as nervous as Ileana predicted. ]
[Many people do not seem to believe its true.]
[He sprinkled them with water and when they did not burst into flames...]
Didn't really like this chapter. It was preachy again. Mostly with the bit at the compound. You do a lot of that in this story, the preaching stuff, and it annoys me pretty quickly. Getting to see the marriage rituals of the two cultures was interesting enough to hold the chapter for me. The dialog was more awkward than usual in a few places, like at Ileana's "proposal". That was just...weird. But yeah. Average chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 15 . 8/1/2013
[I helped wipe away every great thing we ever did,..]
That should probs be "had"
[/I/ am them.]
That should probs be "I /am/ them"
[...hiding behind tradition to conseal the fact...]
[Every now and then, she tried to come out of the shell...]
[...her grandfather had been quietly suggest that she do...]
[...reminded about your difference when Xol is always at your side.]
[...she reminded everyone of griping kitten...]
[Before, no one bothered her about it...]
[The confessions did take a long time, as Lucia said.]
["Anyone could do this things!"]
[How could do that?]
Not much I can say about this one that I haven't already said. But around here, and a couple points earlier on, is when this story starts feeling really preachy to me. Not always directed at the reader, but between characters. I don't know, maybe it's just the tone of the dialog that makes it feel that way to me. But it's one of the major problems with this story.
While on the one hand, I like that Xol has gone from being a slave to the co-ruler of a large country, I don't really like that they ascended to the throne so rapidly. It just seems odd to me. I suppose they managed to do a lot in so little time, but still.
| inwardtransience chapter 14 . 8/1/2013
[The group was standing just in front of all of the land that they managed to clear over the months, the rows that they managed to sow, the houses that they managed to build...]
"had managed" x3 combo
[She knew something happened at the daijinn compound months ago, but Xol never said what it was.]
"had happened" "had never said"
[ Ever since they began dealing with the Xokoatl tribe...]
[...Vincenzo announced dining began along with music playing.]
These should be separate sentences.
[I hope she stays interested in us and let's us be in this nation like she said she would.]
[They shared a look with Kwen and silently communicating their understanding of the other daijinn.]
Communicating? Either change that to "communicated" or turn "and" into a comma.
[Xol was drawing them in the same way that she drew in members of her tribe.]
[After all, Viktor his heir and Ileana is some sort of criminal...]
Missing an "is"
Not really a lot to say. Same thin narration and awkward dialog, though a little less awkward than usual. I do think it's nice that the daijinn aren't entirely sure what to think of Xol, and can't quite agree on it, instead of just leaping to follow her. Ileana's uncles being all over her is starting to get a little old, considering they pretty much say the same things over and over, but a good portion of the characters are getting tired of it too, so that's probably intentional. Another chapter I felt meh about.
It's 8 am. I'm going to sleep.
| inwardtransience chapter 13 . 8/1/2013
[They're not too sure if they would want anything for humans, though.]
[...which would make their lives easily.]
[The conference room...]
I'm not entirely sure, but I think you meant to say "In the conference room"
[..,.the other workers to cut wood to prepare for home.]
[The room silent...]
[So, what have your uncles been up?]
[We also need to work on getting a bigger pin for the rabbits.]
[I did not think they would breed so quickly and so many...]
This would probably do better without the "and so many"
Xol's little encounter with the village daijinn was pretty funny (other than the preaching), and was the highlight of the chapter. The rest was as I have said several times. Thin narration. Mostly awkward dialog. Little/no internal conflict. You're probably getting tired of reading that by now.
I think one more before bed. Finish the first part.
| inwardtransience chapter 12 . 8/1/2013
[Ileana nodded and bite the corner of her bottom lip for a moment.]
[The group disbursed.]
["That one is still alive. He probably wishes he wasn't, though."
"Spares us the time of torturing him."]
I laughed so hard. You don't even know xD
[Ileana expected that she would have to make a speech...]
[...people shooting down all of their hard while doing nothing to help the country.]
So it continues.
It seems like you're fitting a lot of things into a short amount of space, rushing a little bit. Which I suppose can work if you're focusing on dialog and not lending much to narration. I do still like the dialog between the daijinn, even if it wasn't quite on point this chapter. Personally, I found this chapter pretty boring. I mean, it's not like it was particularly terrible or anything. It was just so...meh. I dunno. It just seems that, even though a lot of things are happening, nothing is really /happening/.
Let's see if I can do one more before bed.
| inwardtransience chapter 11 . 8/1/2013
["My idea as well as my beloved.]
[...since Viktor had taken over for their father and tax money started missing.]
"started going missing."
[... flip out...]
Would a prince really say that? xD
[...to make money is more than enough people to want this.]
"enough for people"
And so it starts.
I was pretty apathetic about this chapter too. There were less mistakes than usual. This was again mostly dialog. I don't recall your writing before being this heavily focused on dialog, but I could just be remembering wrong. The dialog is still pretty awkward, but I'm used to it by now.
I think I just now put my finger on why I don't like this story as much. The conflict is mostly external. The main characters already know who they are, and are stable in their relationships. I usually mark plot development by character development, so it almost feels to me like nothing is happening. In Tears of the Sun, the characters, especially Jin/Rose/Xol, were constantly evolving, their relationships shifting. This story feels stale by comparison. The conflict is all external, and it's the internal conflict that I enjoy.
I'm going to keep going anyway.
| inwardtransience chapter 10 . 8/1/2013
[The couple was familiar...]
You know, this is one of those nouns that I just can't convince myself whether it's singular or plural. "The couple were" sounds better to me, but I don't know if that's proper grammar or not.
[...Fedele boasted he pulled out two bowls.]
You know, I've been wondering something. The names in Chuachin are a little weird. The names of the royal family and most everyone else have Romance feels to them. But Lucia says at one point that the language has tones. Now, tonal languages are usually phonologically simplistic, with few consonant clusters, and typically morphologically dense single syllables, so it would be weird for names to have the length and structure they do. "Chuachin" makes sense, but the rest don't fit. Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I've formed a couple conlangs, so it's something that I think about.
[For them, the market showed glimpses of the city that existed long ago.]
["Because … we have to eat …"
"I intend to."]
[...Xol decided the change...Ileana's mother had the royal tailor at the villa, fitting Ileana...The way Xol stared...was more than enough for her to get over a dozen outfits in the Chuachin design.]
"had decided" "had had the royal" "had stared" "had been more"
Ro Ryuon fits with the tonal language.
[The capital and Ro Ryuon are quite possible the two most ...]
[She had learned that the hard way when she had a large tribe. She had started out offering too much food for simple work with her tribesmen and they, of course, did not correct her. She had to correct herself.]
"she had had a" "had not corrected" "She had had to"
Wait a second, they've only been there a month? O_o
Plot advancing, weeeeeeee. I could say of this exactly what I have of the other chapters. Thin narration, awkward dialog. It still bothers me how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. I find it surprising that the King would interrupt the Council thingie just to talk to Ileana a little bit, but whatever. Overall, more mehness.
I think I'll do another one or two before bed.
| inwardtransience chapter 9 . 8/1/2013
[Miss Olga was her tribesman...]
This gave me bad tingles. Xol may forgive Miss Olga, but I will never, ever, EVER forgive her for pulling a child's reigns. Ever.
[...how the older woman got so good in such a short period time.]
[For all you know, she could have wanted you to set all of those assholes on fire.]
[...to make Xol seem incredibly powerful to smith...]
[...but he wanted to add some things to the swords.]
I'm just so apathetic about this story in general, it seems. This was a lot of dialog again, so the narration was thin some more, which you know by now I don't like. There was a little bit of funny dialog between the daijinn, so that was nice. I still get uncomfortable and a little angry whenever Miss Olga shows up. I will never forgive her. Overall, just...meh. Very meh.
| inwardtransience chapter 8 . 8/1/2013
[You sense things and seem like to know what to expect almost all the time.]
"like you know"
[...but there was plenty of other noises.]
[...which was larger than Ileana expected.]
[...that you seem to think of it as you home...]
[I, unfortunately, think this often.]
[...that things had not been that way.]
[...Miss Olga coaxed her into a chair a couple of minutes ago.]
Nope, Miss Olga. Don't even try.
[ the only way Ileana could fight now since she lost her weapons as they were fleeing Fleuriza.]
Another chapter I was pretty apathetic about. Mostly awkward dialog. I really don't like how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. It just seems so...stilted. And those names they call each other just seem so awkward and out of place. Meh. And there was Miss Olga, trying to make me like her again. Never happening. Ever. This was just a pretty meh chapter.
You might be able to tell already that I don't like Baying for the Moon like I do Tears of the Sun.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.