|Reviews for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon|
| inwardtransience chapter 29 . 8/2/2013
Poor Xol :c
[...now that the daijinn and the humans decided that they could not get along.]
[His voice boomed through out the room and his thin, feline-like tale thrashed behind him, making his whole body seemed angry.]
Whoops. "tail" "seem"
[She's mated to the Queen, who may will also be divine if her marks mean anything...]
[Leave the one places that's put you in chains and pull your reins every damn chance they get!]
"Leave the one place that hasn't put" "pulled"
[Don't try to make this less of what it is.]
I get a little more annoyed by the "build up" / "tear down" contrast every time it happens.
[Ileana's head shot up at the sound her mother's voice.]
[Ileana, one argument does not drop you to the bottom her favorite person list..]
[...Ileana answered and she recounted the tale that Xol told her...]
[...who can shot fire...]
[...ridiculous as the legend that Xol told the other night.]
[The smile that light up Xol's face could have rivaled the light from the sun.]
Plenty of preaching in this one. All that preaching is a big reason I don't really like Baying for the Moon. This was a meh chapter again. I might have thought it was okay if it weren't for all that preaching in the middle and the dialog tags, which are getting more on my nerves as time goes on. I am tired of "declared" and "inquired" xD
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 28 . 8/2/2013
I like how Xol keeps swearing when Ileana isn't around lol
[...secretly held hostilities toward the daijinn and that were likely to come out after a few drinks.]
[If it was anything like what happened in the previous years...]
[They got the feeling that it had to do with a lot of people felt like their wedding symbolized...]
[...servants gave the Consort a scolding and judgmental looks for an entire month.]
["Yu would never say anything like that because he's seen me on the battlefield. I am not adorable."
"Continue what you were saying, adorable."]
[All of the guests made a show of the gifts that they brought with them...]
[...neither she nor Xol could figure out what Arrigo was up with getting married.]
[...then get then hell out of our nation.]
[...grinned as she saw that Ileana got her comfortable shoes.]
[...amulet that Xol decided to use as a gift.]
Poor Xol :c
This was a pretty meh chapter again, with some unnecessary recapping and preaching. I do like how even after all she's improved, Xol still isn't 100% better. At least that's the way I interpret her crying over something so simple. I could have used more narration on that, which would have been able to validate or repudiate my theory, but that's okay. I'm used to the scarcity of description, even if it still makes me a little sad. So much potential...
Anyway. Meh chapter. Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 27 . 8/2/2013
[...but the most part, there neighbors had become allies of sorts in at least trade.]
"but for the"
[They also made good use of the money that came from the wars four years ago...]
[She never expected to run into an argument between vendors, though.]
[At least one of you know to respect the Chief...]
[...because she did not know that she was expected to come bearing gifts.]
"had not known"
[Also, the daijinn would never forgive you if divorced the Consort.]
"you if you"
[...were able to look at reproducing as much part of their job as monarch.]
"as a part"
[They were both sneakier than Massimo ever was.]
[Most of the state guards were part-time until Ileana could find out why the crime rate had gone up so much. When she found out, it was easy enough to handle, but it left her close circle wanting revenge with Arrigo. They got their wish by turning the men he paid and helped those men con Arrigo out of much of his wealth.]
"had been" "had found" "had been easy" "had left" "had gotten" "helping"
[...and every problem that came her way during her reign.]
"had come" but I think it might be optional
[Just like when she was in Basilinar...]
[ I didn't know being married meant giving a present every year on the day we got married. Who thinks of this stuff?]
[The smaller daijinn bowed a little a sign of thanks...]
"little as a"
Another chapter that was pretty meh. There was a bit of preaching again, which you know I don't like. Xol getting all anxious about an anniversary gift is adorable. I kinda feel bad for her again. The heir thing is a realistic little concern to bring up, and the Councilwoman managed to annoy me a bit. Of course Ileana did too, blowing up on her like that, but oh well. Anyway, meh chapter.
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 26 . 8/2/2013
[...who suddenly found Ileana's lap the most comfortable place in the world lately.]
"had suddenly found"
[I do not think your brothers are silly enough to try the same thing that Massimo did...]
...Yes, I suppose silly is a word for it.
[...purposely turning the conversation to her grandfather.]
[Lucia nodded and took a deep of breath.]
[The battle was not what the Chuachin military expected.]
[She should have been in the bed.]
[...especially soon you will undoubtedly have to negotiate the peace between us and your father]
"especially since soon"?
[...Xol was almost scared of herself and she hoped that what they described was not truly what she seemed like when using her blessing.]
Starting to figure out you're scary as shit, huh?
[...Ileana remarked as she snuggled into Xol warm, nude body.]
[...reminding her of when she was younger and she thought the cape was alive.]
"she had been" (optional) "had thought" (not optional)
[...he was clearly thinner than he used to be.]
[...she was willing to bet that he showed up to intimidate her.]
"had showed up"
[She had learned from others that he made a lot of wild promises and spoke of massive treasures from his conquest of Chuachin, which of course did not happen.]
"had made" "spoken" "had not happened"
[In the end, Ileana and Xol got everything they wanted and were more...]
"had gotten" (optional) "had wanted" (not optional)
[They had the final word with the king.]
This chapter seems rushed in some places. I mean, a lot happens in it. I think this could have used a little more with Vladimir, too. Their problems with Vladimir were hanging over everyone's heads in the Tears of the Sun, and just having this little bit to close it doesn't feel like it lives up to expectations. It just feels like a...I don't know. Less than it could be.
Part two done yaaaaaay
| inwardtransience chapter 25 . 8/2/2013
[...even after she sent Massimo away to be exiled...]
[...to a letter that had arrived away few days ago.]
[...Xol had a good idea as to who spilled the beans.]
[Any captured officers could bring a rich random, as many of the Cersan officers proved.]
"ransom" and "had proven"
[The last war, it was difficult scraping together everything that the military needed.]
"had been difficult" "had needed"
[They have ships build for traveling on rivers...]
Aaaaaand Vladimir is still an asshat. Not surprising.
Another meh chapter. There was some preachiness again, but not overmuch. Everything was as it usually is. I'm not sure I very much like the decision to have them go to war twice in such quick succession, but it's not that big of a deal. I giggle whenever Xol swears.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 24 . 8/2/2013
[...through the city to palace where the Queen met them.]
[...all of the loot that they brought back from the battles.]
[But, the war united them all with a common cause, common concern, and a common enemy.]
[She liked that the Cersans were reminded that they were defeated quite soundly.]
"had been defeated"
[He looked like what she expected.]
[...and being on the first name basis with them.]
[...as if Adan did not realize what happened because he was looking around...]
[...every single thing and beyond that she and her people agreed on...]
[Second, she demanded that Cersa return the land that they conquered...]
"had conquered" but I think that verb is a little stranger here anyway
[After all, he thought that he was going to come into their country...]
[...and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.]
[...as if protecting her from the barbed insults that had past.]
[While Ileana was not likely abuse it or purposely hurt anyone...]
[Xol knew was an inheritance from her father...]
"knew that was"
[...while Vladimir did seemed to get a certain amount of glee...]
"had seemed" or "did seem"
[...but she knew that was the case.]
"that would be"
[The request for low tariffs and markets for trade and Cersa were also granted.]
This chapter was better. There was a little more narration than usual, and the dialog seemed a little less forced. It was nice seeing Ileana and Xol throwing their weight around a little. Well, maybe more than a little xD There were still a couple moments of preaching, but they didn't detract from the chapter too much. Overall, an okay chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 23 . 8/2/2013
[...long before her group that defended Basilinar.]
[Her eyes shined and she felt like...]
While "shined" is technically correct, it sounds really weird to me. I use "shone"
Another chapter I was meh about. Things that could have used plenty of description, like Xol snapping, got not nearly enough. Actually, how Xol feels channeling the tears could use more description in general. I can not imagine what that would feel like, and I don't get much of an impression of it from the way you write. I've mostly filled it in with my own imagination, but it's probably different from what you intend. Anyway, meh chapter, could have used more description.
And I'm going to bed.
| inwardtransience chapter 22 . 8/2/2013
[There were ships handing toward Basilinar and Ro Ryuon..]
Wrong body part lol
[The soldiers had come to respect her after she showed off her brain...]
"had showed off"
[Xol nodded when he inspection was done.]
Missing an "r"
[...just a little lighter than the last time he saw them.]
[They were much lighter than when they first got into the country.]
"had first gotten"
[They had already fell several trees...]
"felled" I know it sounds funny, but it's right.
[It was mistake.]
"had been a"
[...were gone before the enemy realized what they had done. Unfortunately, all of their hits were not that clean.]
"had been gone" "had realized" "had not been"
[...considering the rush training that they had.]
[Wait, are you trying to say my beloved cannot read or write?]
Wait. Wait wait. Wasn't she playing around reading and writing on scrolls back in Tears of the Sun? O_o
[...west and then look the battlefield over.]
A little thicker narration this time, not surprisingly. This chapter was a little better, I guess. It was still less description than I would like, but better. But then there was that preaching at the end. You do like to do that. This story is full of it. One of the reasons I don't like it as much as the first one.
One more before I pass out, I think.
| inwardtransience chapter 21 . 8/2/2013
[The royal tour of the country was over quickly as they made it a point to only be gone for three months.]
[It was just as destitute as Basilinar had been and they took to improvements just as eagerly as Basilinar did.]
"It had been" "had taken to" "had" (the second two are optional)
[She would have it restored to its past glory.]
The phrase is usually "former glory"
[I am very adapt at living in a fast paced city.]
Not sure what you were going for here. "adept at"? "adapted to"?
] At first, Xol thought it was ridiculous because she never really used an office before...]
"had never really used"
[Honestly, we have over ten...]
I'm not sure "honestly" makes sense here.
[He had a sharp mind that intrigued Xol the moment that she spoke to him.]
"had intrigued" "had spoken"
[ It helped that he showed her respect before even realizing that she was the Consort.]
[...she knew that she was right in giving him the chance.]
"had been right"
[He was another noble young man that showed promise...]
[She found a bunch of hungry young men...]
[He was Dario and Xol had to bring him along...]
"had had to"
[...actual former general he was playing again.]
"had been playing against"
[After speaking with him, she found that his mind went beyond analytical.]
[...one of the two women that Xol enlisted.]
Missing a "said"
[...while she was away.]
It gets really confusing when you have the dialog tag after a long block of text. I can't tell who's talking until the end.
[Ileana was surprised that she finished her meetings before Xol was done with hers...]
[It is time for us to grow, rise up, and blossom into beautiful flowers...]
[Leon was doing his best to not to appear bored...]
Delete a "to"
[...who's replies were copied.]
Finally getting Massimo. Took a few chapters. The dialog at the end there was really awkward, and it strongly detracted from the scene for me. This chapter was also pretty meh. Lots of awkward dialog, more external conflict. The only reason I'm sticking with this is a dedication to finishing my reviews, and a little bit just because I still like Xol. If not for those, I would have quit by now.
| inwardtransience chapter 20 . 8/2/2013
[...they would have to send Yu through the swamp for him to sketch the wild life.]
Delete "for him"
[She supposed that was why she moved her tribe out of that dark, stifling cave so many years ago.]
["They would still hear us."
"Yeah, they would," she boasted.]
[...had also invited everyone to picnic that she planned.]
"a picnic" " had planned"
[...because the town was just as rundown as she expected.]
That was a really awkward little speech. I wouldn't have cheered for it.
[When she was the chief of her tribe...]
[...they did live in a country where there were probably no more than five hundred thousand people in the first place.]
Five hundred thousand is kind of a lot, for this level of communication and transportation.
[...slightly bigger than the one they left back in Basilinar.]
[...yet they looked more pathetic than the group back at Basilinar ever did.]
This is more of the same. Thin narration, lots of dialog. There was a fair amount of preachiness with the daijinn. I'm not getting used to it. Whenever Xol or Ileana talk about how they feel about each other it always sounds so forced and fake to me, but maybe that's just because I don't know how couples talk when they're happy. Says a lot about me, huh? The dialog between them is a little smoother though, so that's a plus. Overall, I still feel pretty meh about this chapter too.
| inwardtransience chapter 19 . 8/2/2013
[...but Ileana was more than thankfully for the servant's treachery.]
[No, if I was...]
"if it were"
[Still, those men that fought under Massimo...]
[There were more men than Xol expected and she just studied them for a moment.]
[...taking notes as Xol filled her in on what happened at the meeting.]
[She would let the swearing slid since it seemed like Xol was getting through better than she had.]
["Go the village and we will send the physician.]
[Her tone was mocking and she regretted it the instance she said it...]
[...or actually loyal to Massimo for whatever reason.]
This made me giggle. I don't know why.
[Ileana smiled because Xol managed to avoid swearing.]
[...even though Ileana told her to take sons.]
[She also took five of the original men that presented themselves as generals.]
[...even though Xol's instinctively knew all of her picks were with them.]
As usual, thin narration, lots of dialog. When I first saw the blockiness of the paragraphs at the end I was a little hopeful, but it turned out to just be a big summary, so oh well. There was some preaching again, with the healers. Seeing Xol with the army stuff will be interesting, because it's clearly what she's built for. She is blessed by a warrior goddess, after all. Another pretty meh chapter for me.
| inwardtransience chapter 18 . 8/2/2013
[...made things much more wide reaching.]
"far reaching" would probably sound more natural.
[She learned about one of Xol's other talents from when she was a leader.]
"had been a leader"
[...was getting life breathed back into with those businesses.]
[Ileana actually encouraged the idea that daijinn live Basilinar rather than the daijinn village.]
[...which caused an bit of a problem in the daijinn community...]
[...but the meat could be used to. ]
[They loved what they were doing and why there were doing it.]
[She was certain that she heard wrong...]
[...gazing around in wander while following Yu...]
[...on their little island when she left.]
[She never imagined that she would see her former companion ever again.]
"had never imagined"
[ I just want to make sure its clear that Xol is my mate and my wife...]
[...and you know what she is capable.]
"capable of" or "that she is"
[One in the same.]
[She could not believe it. Her uncle was beyond a malcontent. He was a traitor.]
I'm not sure if you should be that surprised, Ileana xD
Another meh chapter. I somewhat liked the denser narration at the beginning. The presentation if not the content. It's a little odd to me how more or less smoothly everything is going, and maybe a little boring. I know there are problems coming up, but I think it's a little odd how nice everything is running. Maybe that's just me. I think it's odd that Cersa would choose now, as the country is starting to get back on its feet, to attack, but oh well. Lots of odd things, I guess.
Onwards and forwards.
| inwardtransience chapter 17 . 8/1/2013
[Imagining what it will like if you could have a baby,]
"Imagining what it would be like if you could have a baby?"
[The daijinn refuse to give up the secret on how its made...]
[They wasted no time working up hard and heavy rhythm.]
"up a hard"
[...wanting to get as many trade agreements and allies as she could up with.]
I'm not sure what that's supposed to say.
[... make the country as great as it once was, if not better.]
"had once been"
[His face light up at that, even though he was aware of that the land was there for the daijinn now.]
Firstly, "lit". Secondly...huh?
[ I met with some of the daijinn and found out things that they had items to trade...]
[...communications with everywhere else in the country needs to get better...]
[...so if she was looking for engineers...]
Another meh chapter. I think the way they talked during the sex part was really, really weird, but I'm not a great basis for that kind of thing, so I don't know. Other than that, this was pretty much a bunch of dialog I don't have a lot to say about.
| inwardtransience chapter 16 . 8/1/2013
[...Yu to translate what he said before she began her retort.]
[...your people together those you share a nation with.]
Missing a "with"
[...of what her beloved was like when she was the chief of a whole tribe.]
"had been like" "had been the"
[...looking as nervous as Ileana predicted. ]
[Many people do not seem to believe its true.]
[He sprinkled them with water and when they did not burst into flames...]
Didn't really like this chapter. It was preachy again. Mostly with the bit at the compound. You do a lot of that in this story, the preaching stuff, and it annoys me pretty quickly. Getting to see the marriage rituals of the two cultures was interesting enough to hold the chapter for me. The dialog was more awkward than usual in a few places, like at Ileana's "proposal". That was just...weird. But yeah. Average chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 15 . 8/1/2013
[I helped wipe away every great thing we ever did,..]
That should probs be "had"
[/I/ am them.]
That should probs be "I /am/ them"
[...hiding behind tradition to conseal the fact...]
[Every now and then, she tried to come out of the shell...]
[...her grandfather had been quietly suggest that she do...]
[...reminded about your difference when Xol is always at your side.]
[...she reminded everyone of griping kitten...]
[Before, no one bothered her about it...]
[The confessions did take a long time, as Lucia said.]
["Anyone could do this things!"]
[How could do that?]
Not much I can say about this one that I haven't already said. But around here, and a couple points earlier on, is when this story starts feeling really preachy to me. Not always directed at the reader, but between characters. I don't know, maybe it's just the tone of the dialog that makes it feel that way to me. But it's one of the major problems with this story.
While on the one hand, I like that Xol has gone from being a slave to the co-ruler of a large country, I don't really like that they ascended to the throne so rapidly. It just seems odd to me. I suppose they managed to do a lot in so little time, but still.