|Reviews for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon|
| inwardtransience chapter 7 . 8/1/2013
[It had high ceilings that the shelves went all the way up and massive windows to let light and air in.]
[Ileana nodded and opened the door.]
[She wondered if it was her mother's hand that added the notes. It appeared that Lucia was translating terms for herself...]
"had added" and "had been translating"
[...that he somehow acquired when they were in Fleuriza.]
"had somehow acquired"
[...but not nearly as many as the night they arrived.]
[...as he got comfortable with the language.]
"he had gotten"
[...as if everything he said was lie...]
[Once Viktor was born, Ileana became a stranger to her father. She actually preferred things that way.]
"had been born" "had become" "had actually preferred" (last is optional)
[It was nice to hear that phrase and it was actually a compliment.]
"and it was" should probably be "while"
[Women cannot carry on his name on his bloodline]
That second "on" supposed to be "or"?
["I did," Ileana confirmed as she eased down onto the soft mattress.]
Wow, that was a lot of dialog. For that reason, the narration was thin, thin, thin. And there was another slip in time there that I had trouble tracking. But most of those in these stories have thrown me off, so that's not new. This was an okay chapter, I guess. I didn't really like the thinness in the narration, but at least this time the dialog was somewhat less awkward. I know it's basically those same two things I comment on all the time, but they're pretty common themes. I like how everyone adapts to Chuachin at different speeds. Many writers would probably go the easy route and make it a consistent process, so points there. I don't think I particularly liked this chapter overall, but it was okay.
| inwardtransience chapter 6 . 8/1/2013
[...the walk back up to the palace would not pleasant after wandering the city.]
"not be pleasant"
[...and those were put an end to that problem...]
[When he first considered fixing things, he meant the businesses to help the nobles and then as he began to realize he was rather incompetent at repairing the country, he went back to that focus.]
[...each and every time her father took Viktor to those races, knowing the sensitive lad would be disturbed, which he was.]
"had taken" "which he had been" (second is optional)
[...but the things that Vladimir showed and told the boy were often sickening.]
"had shown and told"
[...which was as busy as Lucia said.]
[...contained offices and other things that Lucia named before...]
[...and were not sure what to do with them.]
["Humans have different religions?"]
[...back to the night a little girl lost her family...]
This is a nice touch. If she were portrayed all 100% better I would be pretty skeptical.
This was a pretty decent chapter I guess. I'm not sure why I feel that way though. The narration was still more thin than I would like, but that's just been your style, so I've pretty much gotten used to it. The dialog was a little less awkward. It works as a nice introduction to Chuachin, and the tensions within. The group dynamic worked a little better in this one than the other chapters. The teasing of Xol made me giggle too. Overall, this one is a step up.
| inwardtransience chapter 5 . 8/1/2013
[...trying to process what she heard.]
[...she suspected she had been too blunt because even Xol looked a bit stunned.]
I would delete "too blunt"
[Ileana nodded and found herself falling sleep on command.]
Wow, was that all the mistakes there were? Hmm.
I feel pretty neutral about this chapter. Again, I feel a little lost with the thinness of the descriptions. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. But I do like how Lucia reacted to their relationship. The presentation was as awkward as the rest of it, but I liked it anyway. Of course her reaction doesn't really surprise me. Lucia just seems like that kind of woman. This chapter did have more description than usual, though it was still too thin for my tastes, so I guess that's improvement. But yeah. Okay chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 4 . 8/1/2013
The bit about who gets out and in what order is a bit of details that I wouldn't really expect to see with the level of detail that you usually give. It seems a little out of place to me.
I'm starting to get annoyed by how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. All these "precious moon"s and "dearest iris"s. Do people actually talk like that?
[...the last time that she saw her mother...]
[...her mother was only a little older...]
[ Her hazel eyes had a shine that Ileana never saw when her mother lived with her father.]
"had never seen" "had lived"
[She then turned to away and noticed the small, pale daijinn.]
[It never crossed Ileana's mind that she might have a grandfather. Her father's parents had died before she was born and she never thought about her mother's parents. In fact, she never thought having a family beyond her parents, her brother, and her beloved.]
"had never crossed" "had never thought" 2x combo "thought about having"
[Yes, she feared that Viktor would stay behind...]
[There were points in her life where Ileana even questioned if her father cared about her at all...]
"had been points" "had questioned"
[...he would not spit on her if she was on fire.]
"if she were"
[Ileana, Xol, Viktor, and the dajinns followed...]
I thought the plural of daijinn was daijinn
[For her, her father's palace always seemed grim and dark...]
"had always seemed"
[Since when do you do sarcasm in our language?]
[The arriving group could not help look on in confusion.]
"help but look"
["Beloved, you are actually willing to eat that food?"
[I would tell you do not stress...]
Huh? I'm not sure what this means.
[...Kwen declared and reached from the entire bird that...]
"from" "for" ?
[...which are ten fundamental laws of the land.]
It would probably be better with "the ten"
[...when they established their relationship.]
[After all, there never was guarantee that tomorrow would be as good.]
This chapter is a little better I guess. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. I enjoyed the little glances we get of Chuachinese culture. Though that could have gotten a lot more description. That's pretty much true of most chapters, a paucity of description. This was more than you usually do but I still came out wanting more. The reappearance of Lucia and how Xol acts around her is a good indicator of how much Jin/Rose/Xol has changed, and I kinda liked it. Overall I would say it's a decent chapter, with introducing a variety of things and thoughts, and it works well enough.
| inwardtransience chapter 3 . 7/31/2013
Brain. No worky. Can't. Write. Used. "Right". First time. Gah. Must. Listen. To metal. Loudly. And. R/R. Instead.
[...Xol asked her mate quietly while holding onto Ileana.]
[We will not run and we will walk directly out of palace from the main hall.]
"of the palace"
[...and Fry took to it like most cranky aging people did, she made a fuss.]
That comma should be a semicolon.
[Some don't do something stupid...]
I'm not sure what that's suppose to mean. I'm guessing that's supposed to be "So"
[...struggled forward at an increasing speed.]
Probably better without "an"
[She was not too worried him as she focused on the guards that were now chasing after them.]
Missing an "about" I think
[Matters were only worsened when Xol decided to start several fires around slavers' stands.]
That thought tickles me xD
[She and Yu were openly enamored with Ileana whenever she held weapons.]
My mind is telling me that should be "enamored of", but it could be wrong.
[She was quite pleased that he decided to come with them.]
[...and accepted the idea that I might come live with her.]
[...and we've wasted one of your time...]
[She almost wanted to say that country was probably a country a century ago.]
"the country" I would probably also repeat the "hundred years ago" thing.
Here's another awkward chapter. A few things bothered me. Like the talking while fighting. I don't think most people who have never been in a fight realize how difficult it is to talk when you're focusing on the fight. I've been in a few fights and a brawl once (long story) and believe me, there was no room for conversation. I'm not the best behaved of girls. Anyway, that bothered me. The dialog throughout the chapter, actually, was pretty awkward. It just felt off to me. And that time gradient and the description of Chuachin at the end disappointed me a little. There was just so little narration, so little description. I barely got a feel of what was going on and then it was over already. I don't know, it just felt flat and rushed to me, pretty much the whole chapter.
So yeah. Not a very good chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 2 . 7/31/2013
["May I rest my head on your shoulder, beloved?" Ileana requested in a low tone.]
[...Xol had been exiled from the tribe she led because...]
[It upsetting to think that people her love had helped disliked Xol for whatever reason.]
"upset" though "was upsetting" would work too
[...she stated since Xol's tribe had chosen their chiefs based on who won a fight.]
This would probably do better as separate sentences.
[...even swayed in a relaxed behind her.]
[...was on all full display, too.]
[...that showed the daijinn sun goddess blessed Xol...]
"had blessed" is probably better
[...as she did everyday...]
[...short vest across chest. The vest she always chose to wear open because the rest of clothing was tied so tightly.]
"her chest" (most likely) and "the clothing"
[...Xol always inspecting everything carefully...]
[...in the year that they had been reunited...]
Could probably use a "since"
[Some jealous nobles led the first assassination attempt. Ileana easily tracked them down after Xol saved her from biting into a very deadly supper.]
"had led" "had easily" and "had saved"
[...slaughter the whole kitchen staff, but Ileana stopped her...]
[...beloved would regret such a wrathful decision eventually.]
I would either move the eventually before "regret" or change it to "in time"
[Ileana and Viktor handled finding and punishing the conspirators.]
[When he came upon her, he also came upon her beloved. Xol had cut his arm off with her bare, although burning, hand right after he drew a dagger.]
"had come" (both times) "he had drawn"
[...glaring down at the offensive documents.]
"offending" might be better, but that could be personal preference.
[Yes, he was not even a teenage yet...]
[It an adorable look of indignation...]
[Like most people, Viktor did not enjoy recognizing the limits of his intelligence, but unlike most, he would easily admit to not understanding something.]
I'm not sure I understand this. Isn't that a contradiction?
[...as she is dividing the workload.]
I don't think this is strictly necessary.
[He recently got his wild black and blond mane cut...]
"He had recently gotten"
[...bothered her that she had never even been able to pray to him, even as a child.]
"her so much she" but this is probably partially personal.
[...they did not eat so well...]
"had not eaten"
[..detailed attention because she worked out often...]
[...to be prepared defend her mate.]
[...song her mother sang to her about the sun and the moon.]
[...loving to have the one special memory to share with her mate.]
Probably better without "the"
[If it were...]
[...Ileana stated as if it was a stone cold fact.]
:c "as if it were"
[They were as good as dead.]
No such thing with Xol around.
I found a lot of the dialog very weird. I don't know why. It just seemed awkward, and not things people would actually say. Unless they were awkward people, of course. And I thought Xol had liked that cake way back when when she had first tried it, but I could be remembering wrong.
But one thing that I think is kinda weird is that they are still in Fleuriza at all. I wouldn't think they would risk the wrath of the king so long. He could have gotten better at pretty much any time, and there they were ruling his country. It just doesn't seem smart to me. I would think they would have followed Ileana's thought, to hand the country off to some noble, a long time ago. It just seems like such a great risk. But I guess you know your characters better than I do xD
This chapter was okay. Other than awkwardness, and my questioning why they're still there, I don't have any strong feelings about it.
Class is over. Bye bye.
| inwardtransience chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
I can't write my own stuff in class—don't have the concentration for it—so I'm back.
[Xol, the sun goddess, and Zonder, the red star, were never friends.]
"had never been"
[Xin was known as the harsher judge...]
Either "the harshest" or "a harsher", depending on what you're going for.
[...having to go over the mountains to return to her own home.]
I don't think this is necessary
[He informed those who had greeted him that he was on his way to the sea.]
This one too.
[...were treated well based on the cultures that they had visited.]
This is a little awkward, and could probably use a little rewording.
[...who were created last in the line of races.]
People who have read the previous story would already know this. I don't think it's strictly necessary.
[...but they both proven wrong. They both found themselves treated equally again.]
My suggestion is again a matter of perspective. I would say "they would both be proven wrong" and "The would both find themselves". If you don't want to do that, just change "they were both"
[...because there were no good humans.]
I don't think this should be there.
[By the time the sunset...]
Whoops. Missing a space
[...the composed Xin had even been as infuriated...]
[They would wander the globe as that "old woman" had and they would know "her suffering."]
You quote things a lot when it's not really necessary.
[...the gods' behavior could not be comprehended by mortals.]
You know, I don't really find this whole thing that incomprehensible xD
Here we have mythology again. I don't want to fault developing mythology. It's very interesting, and it reflects having actually put thought into world building. In fact, I would strongly encourage writers to think about this kind of thing. But I'm not sure I really like this presentation. I would much rather have this appear within the context of the story. Like Mei telling it to Xol. Or even better, Xol relating the story to Ileana. I think it just feels weird and disconnected like this. I mean, it's good to include it, but it would feel more natural within the context of the story.
Or maybe that's just me ._.
I think I can do another one before class ends...
| Hikaru Akihiro chapter 35 . 3/8/2013
Definitely a beautiful sequel. Chuachin was an interesting fictional culture. Xol's powers aren't infinite which is more interesting than a limitless ability. You addressed realistic problems a waning kingdom would face. The solutions to those problems were believable.
I would love seeing another story set in this world. A pleasure to read as always.
| Running home chapter 35 . 1/9/2013
I love this story read it all on one day hope you write another part to this story someday. The whole story made a lot of great points.
| Greek Chorus chapter 35 . 9/27/2012
What a wonderfully satisfying ending. Though there is definitely material for the next story, the epilogue wrapped up the current story's plot elements quite neatly. Even Shei and the bunnies got to take a bow at the final curtain. So glad to see that. The current roles of each character was a great way to show how far each have come - especially Miss Olga (really love that character). Also, enjoyed the snapshot view of the next generation, too. Xi - so precocious and Yun was a nice surprise. Thanks for the excellent and entertaining story.
| onezero chapter 35 . 9/25/2012
This doesn't feel like a story, it feels like a long journey instead. I rarely got pulled into the plot like I am, especially when fantasy is involved or when the story is still in progress. This is a great story, like all of your other ones. And you're a great writer, one of the best I've seen. Thanks!
| The Eternally Heartbroken chapter 35 . 9/25/2012
Beautiful! I love it!
Are you going to do anything else in this universe?
| TheQuietMouse chapter 35 . 9/24/2012
*Thoroughly satisfied sigh*
I've been following this series for quite a while now and it's always managed to keep me interested. This is, I believe, a satisfactory ending for such a wonderful story. Congratulations on a job well done, and please accept my most grateful thanks for an extremely pleasing and imaginative story.
| psychotic-cat17 chapter 35 . 9/23/2012
Very nice ending. I'm so happy Xi has a friend in Yun and a little sibling on the way. It's cute that everyone shares in the childrearing responsibilities and that everyone enjoys it so much. I'm glad that at least one of the brothers has learned the hard lesson the other two did not and has just accepted that the throne is not going to be his; it's nice that he's decided to really get to know his father instead. Anyway, I loved this adventure with Xol and Ileana.
Thanks for writing.
| Chell17 chapter 35 . 9/23/2012
such an awesome ending to an awesome story