|Reviews for The Time Game|
| Lost Found and Forgotten chapter 1 . 11/19/2012
Wow that was so interesting, I was completely hooked. You never cease to amaze me!
| The Siege chapter 1 . 10/11/2012
YO BRO can i add this to our c2? pwetty pwetty pwease? :D
| Lia Jenson chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
I like the themes and character(especially Mr. Ominous Clock) and the obvious lesson there...my favorite is the end, which is probably why I took the batteries out of my alarm clock and threw it down the stairs...Uh, in a good way.
A cautionary tale to not just gamers but procrastinators and slackers in general. Which is why I'll just click this when I feel my lazy streak taking over.
| catscanflytoo chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
third paragraph- "he lazily makes his way to his phone hastily"- two adverbs conflict. btw i posted something because i'm at writing camp and we have to write short stories... haha. check it out and tell me what you think? (:
| iwritelovestories chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
Wow! That was fascinating:D
I've never been a video game person myself, but this was so crazy, insane, lovely. Supernatural/horror stories like this are just so intriguing. I did think a few things were wrong, but they're rather minor.
I noticed that you changed from past tense to present tense a lot, and I'm not sure which tense you were going for in this story. If you do edit it, I would recommend present tense because present tense gives stories an edge, like you never know what's going to happen, and I think that would be perfect for this story!
I also noticed that the sentences became kind of monotonous. Of course, if you were going for that effect, it worked, but varied sentence structure always helps keep a reader engaged:)
As I read it, I was scared for Jerry. I didn't know what the solution would be, or how this wouldn't end in death. I kind of like that it had the underlying message of making Jerry not lazy. I noticed in a poem of yours that I read, "The Bird", it also had a deeper message. I guess that's something that occurs a lot in your writing.
I love the supernatural element of it, all the weird, crazy, spooky stuff was amazing. I love how it was so suspenseful with the cover of the game and how you foreshadowed that something was up when Jerry's mom allowed him to stay at home the whole day. It was overall a lovely job!
| KBeezy I changed my name chapter 1 . 6/5/2012
I forgot to say that I like the part where Jerry feels more comfortable when he gets to have control... It reminds me of how everyone wants to be In control or have power. People want what's familiar, and if that is having everything go as planned, then that's how they want it..
I also forgot to say that I lived the cover of the book
| Me chapter 1 . 6/5/2012
Well, you know who it is, and you know that I wouldn't put my name up there.
I really liked your story. I like all the symbols and the hidden meanings behind some parts of your story. The whole part when "the alarm clock laughed" was funny. I like how the whole thing was related to time, and how it was really ironic that he received a watch at the end.
My favorite quote was, "To Jerry, his entire life had been a game. He had never given much thought about school, about friends, or about family. His only passion had been video gaming – his escape from the real world that just might as well have been his real world." I thought that it really portrayed people in modern times, how they didn't focus on the things that mattered like relationships with other human beings. It made me think that some people preferred to live in another world, whether it be a video game or their dreams (I know we talk about that a lot at lunch with the whole Sigmund Freud thing in Euro and everything.)
I liked the "abused snooze button." This is so much better than saying something like: Jerry always overslept.
I don't really know how to criticize things. Unlike "the Siege," I am awful at finding grammatical errors, I just saw one thing that said ganer instead of gamer. Other than that, you know that I don't like gory stuff, but that is just how you write, so I can't really criticize you on that.
Great story! (especially the adjectives and details giving your story more imagery)
| The Siege chapter 1 . 1/29/2012
am too lazy to login. :D
ok so this was good! i actually kinda like it because it unintentionally tells people not to waste time, which is always a good moral (even if you didn't mean to have a moral at all lol)
and the violence/blood/gore crap isn't too bad so yeah, this is good! there are a few verb tencse errors and just other little things, but overall very well-written. :DDD and now it is time for bed. but after i finish a bit more chem. see you tomorrowwww