|Reviews for Tenderhearted|
| PalindromeIsntOne chapter 6 . 2/8/2012
I like the subtlety in this chapter. Do I mean subtlety? No, perhaps I mean softness. Actually, perhaps I do mean subtlety. Perhaps both.
I like the new, slight shift in his relationship with Tobias. As in 'but he gave me his friendly eyes' and the silent conversation. Very sweet that Tobias falls asleep, and oooh - what was he swearing for?
I love the quick, humorous, easy depiction of 'Shawn' and his grunts. And quiet thoughts on Angela at the end, reminding us that Tobias isn't the only person around.
I think there's a bit of a past/present tense mix up in the final paragraph. It happens, generally when you're so absorbed in a story it feels like you're kind of there and living it with them - hence, slip into present tense. I've done it myself, as well as accidental 'he/she' to 'I' switches on occasion, often for several sentences before I notice. If you didn't accidentally do that then um...sorry? But it looks like you did. Either way, I've told you something random about myself. Happy Trivia day.
| Nique13 chapter 6 . 2/7/2012
Question: Where is your guide?
| Honunjama chapter 6 . 2/7/2012
Yep, Tobias definitely has my interest now
Girly girls do, however, annoy me, but I think that may be your intention...
Oh and I agree with you about poetry, that was my first love and all I wrote for years...prose is much harder.
| PalindromeIsntOne chapter 5 . 2/6/2012
Nice. I like this story so far. Would it sound patronising if I said I can see you developing as a writer? I'm pretty sure you know it too. It's a whole different thing from reading a story and knowing what works to writing. Such fun though.
I like the development in Chapter 4 and 5, learning more about Tobias. It's sort of what you expect but it isn't at the same time, and I look forward to seeing how Tobias develops. I think you handled the time skip well; I didn't bat an eyelid reading over it at all, it just seemed like that was how it was meant to go. As a note, definitely don't fill for filling's sake, but it is possible to make interesting filler if you HAVE to. I've seen it done. As a writer I can always spot it - ah, filler - but it is neeeded for pacing sometimes and normally the author finds a way to make it interesting.
| Honunjama chapter 5 . 2/6/2012
A bit of mystery is good, it keeps you turning the page, and I'm feeling it more for Tobias now, and I wasn't really in the beginning- I think I found him too cold.
I liked the little jolt of Paul seeing him with another guy at the party, and I like that Paul seems less shallow now.
High school ends at what, 18? Or is it 16?
| Faerydae chapter 5 . 2/5/2012
Gah... why was the chapter so short! Lol. Hmm Tobias seems to have an interesting past.
| Nique13 chapter 5 . 2/5/2012
Liked the chapter.
| Nique13 chapter 4 . 2/5/2012
I'm enjoying this.
| DorianStray chapter 4 . 2/4/2012
Hey, do you mind if I give you a hopefully constructive but rather straight-forward piece of advice? Well, since you've been so wonderfully helpful with my work (I sort of wish to return the favour) and since you've been discussing your writing techniques here in your author's notes quite a bit, I think I'm going to give you one whether you mind or not -
So, here it is: Take your time. Don't rush. If you catch good ideas for a story, let them graze in the pasture for a while. They won't run away. Quite the contrary. They'll grow fat and healthy and shiny. And no, I don't know where the hell this cattle analogy came from, but I hope you get the point. So far, I've been reading this story sort of feeling a spark of interest every now and then. There's much to be potentially interested in; Paul is a rather endearing protagonist (hopefully on his way towards learning a thing or two about inner beauty) and there are some vivid moments (I love the bit where Tobias actually smiles for the first time) and really funny and/or clever little things here and there. I, too, laughed aloud at the whole "the test failed you" conversation. But I'm afraid your cows are a bit malnourished at the moment, so to say, and I think you actually explain why in your author's notes.
I'm all too familiar with that cursed desperately-trying-to-fill-in-the-gaps-between-more-interesting-scenes syndrome myself. My solution (I'm obviously talking about myself here because I'm the one and only writer I can speak for, even if I'm only just beginning to learn these things as well) is to simply stop and think and find a way to MAKE it interesting for myself no matter what it takes. Come up with some funny sentence that covers the entire boring bit, make a list (make an entire chapter into a list...), approach the scene from a completely different angle, etc. If you as a writer are bored by what you're writing, you can bet your readers won't find it terribly riveting, either. You have to like every single bit of your story. Miraculously enough, I actually often end up liking the originally boring part best of all.
And I truly think rewriting and rereading and editing and polishing every detail and fixing every word (over and over again if you must) make up the most important part of the work. I mean, that IS the work. Every new thought you give to the story or chapter or scene or paragraph or sentence you're writing makes it a bit better, sometimes in a delightfully unexpected way. That's where the story begins to live, that's where you create a personal relationship with your characters, and that's where you can learn new things. Just writing out the ideas in your head is, quite frankly, lazy. And, in my all too personal experience, not very rewarding in the end.
I'm only saying this because I know you can be incredibly eloquent when writing about other people's writing. So you definitely have a way with words; I only wish it would show a bit more here. Your dialogue is very lively and nice, but I find that many descriptions and transitions between scenes and other "less important" things like that lack colour. Honestly, when most of the plot happens when people are having lunch or going to class or going home or doing things like that, it's important to be especially careful with keeping it significant and fresh and exciting to the reader. Also, the characters - especially the minor ones - could use some fleshing out, in my opinion. Like, there's a whole flock of girls buzzing around Paul and I keep losing track which one's which. And guess what. All of these things could easily be improved with just a little extra work and time.
So, to conclude, I guess I'll say it again. Take your time. The devil is in the details and good things come to those who wait and other dreadful clichés, blah blah blah. But, in this case at least, they're true. Anyway, I really hope I haven't come off as pompous and patronizing or anything. I certainly don't mean to. I actually wrote this sermon for myself as well. And I'm honestly really curious about where the story is going.
| prettyporcelainlace chapter 4 . 2/4/2012
Really enjoying this one!
| plumblossom chapter 4 . 2/4/2012
I think you did right to scuttle the shopping scene. Paul isn't the only one to find Monique and Sandra a little boring. I hope Paul comes out of this with a smarter outlook, though!
| Faerydae chapter 3 . 2/3/2012
Lmao omg that chapter was hilarious. "The test failed you" haha update soon :)
| diwu6398 chapter 2 . 2/1/2012
No, I'm not proud of you! Get that goddamned Fruits of My Garden chapter up!
I'm kidding. I like it. It's more... me.