|Reviews for Her World and Ours|
| kara chapter 1 . 2/3/2012
oh, plz update soon! can't wait to find out what happened!:) it's very interesting plz update i wanna know what exactly that injury is!
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/2/2012
The first thing that turns me off about this piece is the narrative style. I don't know if you're trying to go for a Lemony Snicket-esque sort of deal, but what you have to understand is that writing like this is like the director talking to us, we're not getting the full thrill of the scene, because you' about the scene coming up during the movie. It's a little distracting, and we're not getting the total thrill because you've already told us what's about to happen.
This line in particular:
'The answer to the second question? Just read a few chapters and find out!'
... What? A story is something that is supposed to immerse your reader, pulling him/her into a world you've created. Don't try to be snarky or witty and sneak lines like that in. It makes it really hard to picture these as people worth caring about if you make it painfully obvious that they're just characters in a story.
Why not start the story immediently at the accident? I mean, who cares about Sarah Evans cooking her chicken, or where your main character is sitting? Really, if you read that in a bookstore, would be like "Ohh shit, it's about to get real now."? No, I didn't think so.
The entire purpose of your prologue is to hook your readers and make them read the first chapter. My suggestion: start with Paul Fender turning the car.
Speaking of Paul Fender, what the heck is up with the car crash scene? Or - no, wait a minute, let me rephrase. Why is it not a SCENE, but more of you (the narrator) explaining the crash to me? That's not exciting. That doesn't make me want to read on. It's just like "Oh ... huh, that sucks."
This is a big scene in your story (At least, I suppose it is) don't underwrite it! Stretch the tension as much as you can, make it as impactful as you can. Paint a picture in our heads. We want to SEE it happen, not hear you tell us it happened.