|Reviews for Persimmon season|
| MayaLala chapter 1 . 9/21/2013
Damnit, that was great. His internal debate and struggles were so relatable. Her physical attributes, crystal clear. I usually have a critique or two but your voice is just very clear in this.
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
I have to say I really like your descriptions. They're unconventional and so suited to every occasion. And agh, it's like the italicized voice is both the reader's and his, feeling bad for both, finding them a bit infuriating (mostly him, though) and pitiful and just...aflk;lkajsdf. Coming from someone who's spent a chunk of time in a BH unit, I have to say that getting her committed would really have been the best choice. I guess that's what made me so annoyed with him. At the same time I can understand why, but...Eh, I'm biased.
| Seigetsu Ren chapter 1 . 4/5/2012
For Review Game,
"And it might as well have been a rendezvous on the top of the Empire State Building for the way his heart recoils when he spots her" - the slip into present tense here, then going back to past sounds a tad awkward. Actually, same for what has to come. There are many tense switches that are somewhat distracting to me.
Just a stylistic preference, the repetitive "If he'd had a lick of sense" is somewhat irritating to me. I can see that you're using it for emphasis however.
"Purples and pinks, like contusions, bruising the blue jay sky." - beautiful imagery. Love the hurtful mood it invokes. I also want to mention that the extended comparison of the situation to the rotting persimmons is very clever and fitting as well.
"Her eyes flittering, hopping like Mexican jumping beans." - At this point, I find the similes to be a little too much. A sprinkle of it, like seasoning, is nice, but when it's all over the page it's a little hard to bear, for me anyway.
In general, I think this is a wonderful story. You manage to paint out each character with distinct personalities, and the emotions run thick throughout the work. I like how stark the tone is, how ugly you manage to make those rotting persimmons seem, and the big contrast you draw between that and the protagonist's dream, where the orchard seems perfect. Wonderful job. As mentioned above, the excessive similes are sometimes a little annoying though, and the whole "lick of sense" thing, which I actually feel decreases the power of emotions you've managed to induce. Overall, though, one of the best one-shots I've read on the site. Good work!
| post-it123 chapter 1 . 4/5/2012
"he lets the blue jays eat themselves drunk on the fermenting fruit" Love that line.
I'm not the best judge but this seems really interesting, your main character is a bit of a tortured soul and i like the repetition of the "lick of sense" it gives the whole thing a really professional rhythym (sp?).
There were a couple of grammatical things i noticed but nothing major, this looks like it could be really compelling, it makes the reader care about the characters, i look forward to reading more.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/14/2012
I liked the beginning paragraphs but in the third paragraph it awkwardly turned into a present tense narration and I didn't like that because it felt unnatural. It starts with "heart recoils"-that should be "recoiled" if it was past tense like the following.
I like the description of the "Hi" as being this voice that tears open-that was unique. I also liked the use of inner narration because I felt like it gave the character more depth and was also a creative way to create tension. Loved the repetition of "if he'd had a lick of sense" throughout the whole story-I think that was my favorite part, it was great! Overall the narration and the voice and the descriptions in this were really well done, I liked it. I got a great sense of setting and of character, especially the relationship with Lily.
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 2/7/2012
Starting out with an obscure and delicious fruit, then watching birds get drunk on them - 10 points right there :-)
I like the way you have characterised this kind of tragic relationship between the doomed person and the person trying to save them.
This prompt has definitely lead to some interesting philosophising on the nature of insanity and sanity, your story included.
The colourful language you use in this story is quite vivid, and appropriate to the kind of relationship you are portraying. For example 'he'd taken to him like those persimmon shoots to the moist Louisiana soil.' and'"Hi..." Her small voice tearing open the fissure in his chest.' you really take the fruit metaphors to a whole other level, and I am enjoying every one of them.I also loved 'Purples and pinks, like contusions, bruising the blue jay sky.'
I also like your tailoring your language to the region, including the odd bit of... cajun? Louisiana seems such a rich place for setting stories in.
You do a good job of building anticipation about why this girl is so dangerous. I have to say I have met people that this reminds me of. One thing they have in common is that the man who wants to be a knight in shining armour, is also the one who made things worse, for example by possibly getting her pregnant when she was not in a fit state to be a mother. They get upset that they can't save them, and yet can't seem to stop themselves from causing more do a good job of portraying this relationship from his point of view, including the blindness that he suffers from, but is half aware of.
Well done and good luck.
'Empire State building' - 'building' should be capitalised in this context
'phone boot' - 'phone booth'(unless you are in and Get Smart and have a shoe phone)
'Her body a nervous mass of ticks.'- do you mean 'tics'?(as in the neurological twitches, rather than the insects)
'seat. as ripe as the fruit rotting in his groves.'- you could either put a comma after 'seat', or capitalise 'as', but I think the former would be better as 'as rife as the fruit rotting in his groves' really connects to the previous sentence.
'a stone-throw away' - normally it is 'a stone's throw away'
'making his throat knots itself' - 'knots' should be 'knot'
'A beggars shame'- should be 'A beggar's shame'
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 2/6/2012
I love your imagery in this piece. Every word helps to create a bigger picture as a whole. It's pretty excellently done. Your descriptiveness gives the place this story is in a bigger, wider feel, and by using all the senses you create a feeling of depth.
Like the imagery, your narrator's voice works well for you. He sets the tone and drives the piece along at a brisk pace, keeping the reader from boredom.