|Reviews for Keeper of the Jewels|
| Jeldaly chapter 3 . 2/28/2012
Took me a while to review - sorry about that. Anyway, it's another great chapter, and I will nitpick you. Again. Getting used to it yet? :D Also, can I just say I adore the character of Jewel? Her dry humour had me smiling.
"Finally, the egg shattered" Shatters.
"It's a silver…dragon?" What does Ava know about dragons? Are there books where she's seen pictures? How can she recognize it so easily?
"It could bite my hand off!" Yes. Yes it could. Why is she approaching it? If she's in a trancelike state, she won't consider the danger, if she actually lost control of her body, this is a Very Bad Thing and she'd be freaking out a lot more than she is.
"Sorry," I mutter. "Describe one," I instruct the silver creature." Two dialogue tags in one paragraphnot good. Try either giving the dragon a paragraph like this:
"Sorry," I mutter."
The dragon rolls its eyes at me again and says, "I wish I knew about the memories too. Really."
"Describe one," I instruct the silver creature.
Or you can just take one tag out:
"Sorry," I mutter, "but could you describe one?"
"It cocks its head at me." It cocked its head six paragraphs ago. Look for a different action you can use to describe the emotion you're trying to convey.
"That my memory!" You mean, "That'S my memory!"
And this is in general for the last quarter or so of the chapter, but Jewel lost some of her snark. I liked that snark, it gave her a nice bit of character!
| Jeldaly chapter 2 . 2/5/2012
Another great chapter! Once again, I'll nitpick you to death. Keep in mind that I'm doing this because I genuinely love your story.
'Sure, I was furious, but I had been ranting at her for quite a while and she was only ten'. That's the past tense! Reading it over before publishing could have caught that. Make sure to self-edit.
You mention 'properness'. I think you mean 'propriety'?
"Well, I suggest you not 'say' anything and shut your mouth." If this is the kind of environment Ava grew up in, I don't think she would have said anything at all.
And finally, this sentence. It's incredibly awkward. Horribly so: It weighs the equivalent to a jewel half the size of it
| Jeldaly chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
Wow! This is a great story and I love your style. Ava seems like a really cool character, as well. I did notice a couple of little problems, nothing major but I always like to know them in my own stories.
First off, Ava describes herself. It feels a little odd and out of place, sort of like pausing the story for some information that can be fitted in more naturally elsewhere.
Secondly, you describe Evelyn's (love the name, by the way) hair as 'pitch black' twice. I'm nit-picking here, but maybe come up with a different way of saying it if it has to be repeated twice. Also to do with Evelyn, you nickname her Eva. Ava and Eva are incredibly easy to confuse.
Third, the dialogue is a little awkward. For example, "Whatever are you doing?" This isn't medieval, it's unnatural. However, I like the family dynamic you've established, and in this one chapter (I haven't read Chapter 2 yet) I already feel for Ava and Evelyn.
Finally, watch the tenses! One of my pet peeves is tense switches, and it's jarring and distracting when I come across 'The man WAS clearly annoyed' or 'We WERE a cautious family.'
Anyway, I love the story and look forward to updates!