|Reviews for To Kill a Nightingale|
| Vallucast chapter 11 . 5/24/2013
Hello again Sia,
I adore madam Aria.
| Vallucast chapter 8 . 5/24/2013
At least Vince get some kind of closure..
| Vallucast chapter 5 . 5/24/2013
Hallo, it's me again c:
I enjoy it. The way Vince coping with his grief even though with mediocre way. I don't blame him, kids bound to do stupid things. So, Eva's a bit retarded for not realizing it sooner
| Vallucast chapter 1 . 5/24/2013
Sweet! I've never dreamed to read ones like this in this kind of night.
| Dwynwen chapter 2 . 5/18/2013
Hi! I tried reviewing Chapter One, but since I've technically submitted a review for Chapter One already the website wouldn't let me. I'll just place the review here instead.
It wouldn't be the first time mysterious strangers turned out to be harmless, ordinary men making their way through life. - Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be one of those times?
She was a slim young woman with a gentle face and reserved disposition, a contrast to her husband's genial nature. - I like your description of her. And she's called Lia!
"But a necromancer like him won't rest easy. If he's dead, show us his body, I say. Mark my words, he'll be back someday, and when he comes, we'll have to fight him all over again." - Akon, you might want to shut up right now!
Anyone who knows my true name is lost to me. - Uh-oh.
Lia made not a sound as the rogue pulled his wicked dagger out of the counter and held it to her throat. - She sounds like a very brave young woman.
"Hello, Kissy Miss." - Oh, the dagger was Kissy Miss!
"Lia will die as well, of course. Even if I were to spare you and your young wife, the witch hunters that tail me will not be so kind." - Well, isn't Vincent a nice guy? Although if he's telling the truth about the witch hunters...
| Dwynwen chapter 3 . 5/17/2013
By flying a little lower every time the sun rose a little higher, Eva seemed to make the dawn last forever. - That is beautiful!
I like Vincent playing with the rabbits! I hope he didn't hurt them.
The spider, Madame Aria, is interesting.
"And love," whispered Madame Aria, clicking softly to herself. "Very important thing, it is. You can't forget love." - No, they can't forget love. What good is a person without love?
| Dwynwen chapter 1 . 5/16/2013
Oh hello, this looks interesting.
"Knight has full confidence in wizard's abilities. Knight wish wizard had more confidence in knight." - Haha, I love that line!
Virgil found himself wondering if discretion was not after all the better part of valour. - Sounds like a wise move to me.
Bloodsucker's civilized veneer had long since been worn ragged during the fight. The vampire lord's once proud armor was rent in places and covered in mud and blood. His lips were bared in a perpetual snarl, exposing a feral, inhuman nature. Exhausted and embattled as he was, however, traces of nobility were still evident in the vampire lord's stance. Uncowed by the odds against him, Bloodsucker had the aspect of a cornered lion. His spirit was not yet broken. - That was fantastic.
But we don't intend to play fair. - Good idea. After all, vampires don't play fair, do they?
| Aquamouse chapter 2 . 4/28/2012
There's a lot of grammatical errors throughout. A lot. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not because of the tone of the narrator. I was going to point them out until I saw how many there were and realised it might be intentional. If it was intentional then I think you've conveyed your meaning fairly well. If it wasn't intentional, I suggest getting a beta-reader or something to help iron out these sorts of things.
Something else of note is your use of speaker tags. It's not wrong per se to use a variety but it's better to use say/said and ask/asked. When a different speaker tag is used it focuses attention to the tag and not the dialogue. Just using the basics helps keep the reader's attention on the spoken lines.
There's also a few places where the punctuation, specifically the comma, is incorrect or just doesn't flow well. In the case of a comma it's better not to use one. It's far too easy to overuse the comma. If you're unsure just don't use one.
Lastly, I notice you use the word "that" often. Like the comma, "that" should be used sparingly. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of padding and filler. If you're unsure, just remove the "that" from the sentence and see if it still makes sense. Most of the time "that" can be removed with no consequence. Streamlining sentences and paragraphs is important and removing unnecessary words like "that" is a great way to achieve it.
I like the repetition of the laugh. At least, I assume the "hihihihi" is a laugh. It feels a little tedious to read sometimes, however. Maybe reformatting and italicising it would help.
I like the feel of the narration. It's playful yet serious. There's a lot of great vocabulary and there are some wonderful phrases like "The skeletons splinter and crack all around me, it is like swimming, drowning in a sea of indistinguishable grave and bone."
The whole thing is very imaginative! I especially like the description of magic and song. There's plenty to hook a reader. I'm not sure where this falls in the story but it feels like a prologue or first chapter. There's definitely a lot to work with and expand on from this. That's a good thing! Overall, I enjoyed reading. ]
| Neuravinci chapter 2 . 4/28/2012
Gosh, someone has some arrogance, gee. and why can't I help but think of Joseph (?) from the Bible and his brothers killing him?
haha, I love the reference to the Hunger Games :)
I love how the "FOOL" is not foolish at all, except in hs blind devlotion to Lucy. Is Lucy supposed to be like Lilith?
| Vivace.Assai chapter 1 . 3/1/2012
Very interesting hidden chapter (or at least I think this is the hidden chapter).
The narration in this was done very nicely. It perfectly portrayed the events and the variety of emotions that are running through the characters' heads at that moment in time. Nothing is overdone. There is a balance of everything. Thus, the chapter comes off as pretty intense, bloody, and difficult - just like what one would imagine a war battle to be like.
Also, the imagery created in this chapter was brilliant along with the style of writing. For one, I loved how you played with the denotation of "rose" (as in to rise) and "roses" (as in the flowers). Also, some of the phrases and words that you conjured up gave a rather poignant image. Your skill with diction is just brilliant. My personal favorite was: "The storm clouds that had been massing overhead, like churchgoers at a congregation, deemed the time fit to unleash their payload at once. Sheeting torrents of rain drove down." You could probably write poetry out of this.
Anyways, great chapter. I really enjoyed it. It was grueling and emotional. And the ending was nicely done, too - not at all valiant and much more realistic (I mean, if I was at war with a bloodsucking vampire, I would not pay fair with a one-on-one fight - I'd just gang up on him).
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this!
Thanks for sharing this with us!
| Neuravinci chapter 1 . 2/13/2012
Demon-bred horses? Goes right in line with my writing. Yay for demons!
That first paragraph alone sets up such a wondrously dramatic tone. The ferocity and the dramatic aspects are so well-worked. I really like this first paragraph. You tell a lot, but it shows more, so this is good.
Ah, sweet gore. How magical you are.
Gosh, I did not expect the stump of an arm and it came at me so suddenly-way to wake me up even further!
I love limbs that replenish! Reminds me of lizards...
There's a lot of intensity in this chapter. You should definitely continue it. I will be sure to put it on story alert. I want more! :)
And your character names are great-very theatrical and vicious. Lots of mystery and charm to them.
You have a great world beginning o show its tendrils in this first chapter-expand the world and I think you will have something great.
The only thing is I hope this doesn't turn into a cliche vampire story-I like how these vamps are more war-mongrels than "I'm hot and sexy let me go find myself a fair maiden to devour with ecstast." Just take care to not make this cliche :) other than that, it is a great beginning to what I think can be expanded into a wonderful and mysterious story with lots of twists etc. I love the pun btw : "There is too much at STAKE!" hehehe love it! I just wopnder though: have you been inlfuence by Garth Nix's Old Kingdom trilogy? the dead and the mages seem to call his story to mind. So going back to character bames: you have one that is Homer: is this supposed to be a vampiric reincarnation of historical individuals? I f so, this is a fascinating idea!
And it's interesting the steting seems to be the American Civil War... Yes! keletons riding horses! I was planning on putting something like that in my own story but a little different! I'm so glad someone else has put in something so cool into their story! nice! Starburst of white-hoot pain: very nice imagery here. Well, needless to ay: I enjoyed this frist chapter. Update soon!
| Hope Kills chapter 1 . 2/11/2012
Well this is a great story. It has a dark feeling in it. Also who wins the battle in the end? it looks like Prince did but idk. And who is Dante & what happened in Schloss Waldeck?
A story with alot of potential
| Avec Plaisir chapter 1 . 2/11/2012
This was actually really, really good. I don’t read much fantasy, so I can’t tell you if this is cliché or not, but it was very well written, there were no problems with grammar as far as I could tell, and the descriptions were excellent. I’m a real sucker for description, and LSAWE just played in my mind like a movie. When I started reading it, I fell in it. I was like I was there—which is a sign of really good writing. The plot is simple, clear, concise, and the characters seem fairly well developed. You seemed to know who they were in entirety, even if you didn’t get much of a chance to flesh them out in this one work.
There are only three semi-problems with this. One is the beginning. Not that the beginning is bad in itself, its just that the reader begins reading this with no context whatsoever. Though, to be fair, you don’t really need much context to understand what’s going on—two sides are at war with each other. Even so, it’s a little strange—or at least it was to me—to start reading this thing talking about vampires and undead soldiers and limbs growing back with no preparation. This is labled Chapter 15.5, so I assume you have more chapters that introduce the characters and all that crazy undead stuff, so that should eliminate the problem of context. My question is: why aren’t those chapters posted? Did you post this to get advice about a chapter that was bothering you?
Second, certain parts lacked appropriate emotion. For example, when Bloodsucker was stabbed through the chest, it said that Homer’s “affected demeanor of bored unconcern had completely vanished”. And yes, he says “holy shiv,” which, I’m assuming is a rough equivalent of “Holy shit,” but besides that, Homer doesn’t really show emotion through either his words or actions. Actually, he tells his dying dad to pull himself together. (What the heck? He probably should have said that after he healed Bloodsucker.) I mean, Homer saves Bloodsucker and all, but it’s all very methodical, all very sure. Is it because they’re vampires and they don’t freak out like humans do? But, if that’s the case, why did Homer’s bored demeanor completely vanish? Homer should have acted more worried—or, if he wasn’t that worried, you should have explained more clearly what his emotions were. Mild concern?
Another example: when Eric almost died because Virgil had been squeezing him to death with dark magic. You touch on the fact that he was trembling, but don’t describe his emotions much more. He should be numb, or his mind should be scrambling to process coherent thoughts, or something. He shouldn’t just realize that his horse is gone and then sigh to himself about how long the walk back was going to be. I understand the general lack of character emotion in, say, Homer’s death. Actually, I thought the way you portrayed his death was really good. Vampires are vampires, after all. But Eric is human. I would expect him to be more reactive to something like nearly dying.
The third, most important problem, was character likability. As a reader, I didn’t really connect to any of the characters, except to Eric. I only connected to him (and it was a vague connection, mind you) because of that one line when he spoke to Vanessa in third person, saying that he wished she would have more confidence in him. (That was a brilliant line, by the way. Loved it.) It was funny, and I liked Eric as a character because of it. But I didn’t care who one or who lost, or who died or who didn’t. Even when Eric was almost dying, I wasn’t really concerned. If you want a reader to really connect to your work, make them fall in love with your characters. (I am a sucker for characters, much more so than I am for description.) And it has to do with that lack of emotion. If the characters aren’t emotionally involving, it’s hard to connect to them. (Then again, this is chapter 15.5, so the lack of connection to the characters might have something to do with the fact that this is the first time I’m seeing them. So that might have something to do with it. )
But, really though, you write really well. I wish I could give you more advice, but, I really can’t. I liked it a lot. And I really loved the ending, when Prince Charming declined to go into single combat with Bloodsucker. So many authors would have made Prince Charming do the heroic thing and he would have won, somehow, some way, just because he’s the “good guy”, and it would have been completely unrealistic. I loved that he did the logical thing.
But, speaking of endings, I honestly didn’t understand the last line. What darkness? And what light? Is Bloodsucker the darkness? Or is the darkness in the environment? That last line left me confused. I would have personally preferred a closing line about the thuds of hooks imbedding in flesh, or something.