|Reviews for Mahousen Izumi|
| Rabukurafuto chapter 12 . 10/27/2013
Well that was a fun little chapter. I had almost forgotten about Ushio. It sounds like we will be getting some action in the next chapter. Great job!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 5 . 10/26/2013
What does a German accent sound like in Japanese? Now you've got me all curious.
Aokigahara. Oh man, don't get me started on Aokigahara.
I think writing is arguably the most difficult medium to pull off a good fight scene with. Apart from good choreography, you also have to worry about whether the words you use and the way you organize them sufficiently gets across the images that are already in your mind.
I would say you easily have the choreography part down. Them some intense fight scenes. This is just a preference based on my own experience writing fight scenes, but I think long paragraphs just don't work in fight scenes. All of the quick and furious moves get jumbled up and confused in them. At least for fight scenes, I prefer short, efficient paragraphs that effectively capture what is going on while also trying to simulate the pace of the action. Brisk, short sentences and paragraphs. They pick up the pace and make action more intense. Additionally, I think short paragraphs tend to accentuate certain actions more, ensuring that the audience notices them, and with fight scenes, you want to make sure that the big moves are noticed.
I'm just rambling again. Anyways, this will probably be my last review for the week. I know I said I'd try to get through all the chapters, so oops. At any rate, apart from the occasional proofreading error, your writing's fairly strong. Maybe you could add some advanced techniques to your repertoire to really flesh out your writing and make it special, but I get the sense that you have the skill of telling a story down.
| cmaej chapter 11 . 10/26/2013
Not much to say about a dairy excerpt, and I realized that Bullet Queen actually takes place before this story (oops).
I'm going to predict that Izumi's "normal" time with Yukari and Kiko will not be so normal.
| Y. S. Wong chapter 4 . 10/26/2013
What happened to Yukari's accent? Gasp. She was pretending all this time, wasn't she? Best plot twist ever.
Congratulations on writing a fully creepy character in Balthazaar.
I have to say, it's been a rather sluggish start these first 2.5 chapters or so. It's taking you a rather long time to develop Izumi's place in the plot, and considering that your chapters are of the longer variety, it might behoove you to establish that more quickly. At this point, it's the end of Chapter 3, yet it's still questionable whether you've given us enough as readers to remain engaged for the long haul. That said, the latter half of this chapter looks to be taking a promising turn.
Beyond that, it's still too early to say much about what plot you're trying to develop here. But since it seems to be heading that way, I think you should be wary about being too cliche. So far this looks to be your standard supernatural fantasy with monsters and magic and other dimensions and woefully oblivious real-worlders that we've seen before with Shakugan no Shana, Bleach, and every other supernatural fantasy anime since circa mid-2000s. Even though your writing ability naturally gives you a leg up on the many other similar stories on FP as well, I think you could stand to add something to set Mahousen Izumi apart. But well, I'm making the call way too early, so I probably should save this conversation for when after I've read more.
| cmaej chapter 10 . 10/26/2013
Oh, we have the cast of Bullet Queen here. Is this where to two stories overlap? Does that mean there was a time jump between the last chapter and this one?
While Fergusson was falling for the trap, I was wondering what the hell Violet was doing. I was expecting a bullet to go through Margareta's head any second. That moment was a nice piece of suspense.
| cmaej chapter 9 . 10/26/2013
Is it bad that I'm disappointed that Akira is a girl? And is she some sort of werewolf? The way she speaks about her family, her fangs, and even her names hints it.
| cmaej chapter 8 . 10/26/2013
I'm glad Izumi's mother will be okay, but I don't think that will be the last time we see the other side of her. Your explanation of the magical mechanics seem to be complex, and with mulitverses, it may be even more so.
I've always had a soft spot for the strong, but inexperienced female and the weaker, protective male couple. Like Saya and Haji in Blood Plus. It just feels so endearing to me.
| cmaej chapter 7 . 10/26/2013
LOL... manly tears.
For some reason, I like this quote, "...powers are either feared or envied...".
The ending was very unexpected. I will be honest, Izumi was getting on my nerves with all of her whining about something no one had control over. It's sad that this had to happen for Izumi to clear her head.
| cmaej chapter 6 . 10/26/2013
Mai, to the rescue! She's badass, even without a mana aura.
This was a long chapter, but a good fight scene. I liked how you portrayed Anya's dismay after she was disarmed. I also enjoyed Adolph's passionate fighting style. The end where Anya cradles Adolph was also an endearing, nice touch to their defeat. I can't wait to get more about their background. As you can see, I'm a reader who appreciates a good cast of villains.
You like writing battle scenes? They're a pain in the ass for me!
| xxxyx chapter 1 . 10/26/2013
Excellent first person POV. Fits anime-esque narrating to a T, though.
And, as usual, we have a tsundere Miss Pres.
So far so good.
I can find nothing to complaint, or things to criticize, except, well, maybe I suggest a line break before the author's note.
| cmaej chapter 5 . 10/24/2013
That was pretty noble of Hitoro; to take a seemingly unwinnable fight just to buy time for Izumi to be safe. It also appears that his opponents have something to do or is involved in the organization that cause his father's death. Although I don't think you stated at Hitoro's father is dead; I just assuming through the context.
Hitoro and Izumi are not dead! Badly hurt, maybe, but not dead! Its too early!
| cmaej chapter 4 . 10/24/2013
Mai is now my favorite character! I was expecting Hitoro to save the day, but that scene was much better. Balthazaar deserved it!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 10/23/2013
"I'm an agent of a secret world organization that protects humanity from secrets that it shouldn't know. My job is to hunt down and kill monsters that live in an alternate world, that sometimes come over to this one to prey on ordinary human beings."
Dialogue seems to be on and off. Sometimes you hit the mark so accurately that I can practically hear the lines in Japanese. Other times you end up with lines that would sound a lot more natural coming out of a Westerner's mouth. Well, unless you were a native speaker, it's pretty difficult to fix that. Then again, if you were a native speaker you'd probably be writing a light novel and submitting to competitions instead of posting stuff on FP for creeps like me to read.
Just a personal preference, but I find the way Izumi insists on no secrets from Hiroto to be rather irksome. Everybody is entitled to secrets; Izumi just comes off as whiney and nagging on that front to me. I know you like him a lot, Izumi, but calm down just a bit, yeah? Just a bit?
Weird psychedelic trip at the end. To be quite honest, my eyes kind of glossed over at that point. I get what you were trying to do with all the images, but it kind of dragged on. All of the long paragraphs didn't help either.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 11 . 10/23/2013
A very good chapter to begin with. It had been so long since I last read anything, so this refreshes my memory considerably. A nice call-back to the prologue as well. Thank you very much for the refreshing course. Even so, perhaps I should reread the rest.
I noticed that there are no translations for Bullet Queen. Would you like that I make them for the story?
| Miles Montgomery chapter 11 . 10/22/2013
Izumi seems to be adapting quite well. Cannot wait to see how badass she may end up becoming.