|Reviews for A War of the Heart|
| GraceSaader chapter 6 . 1/15
Excruciatingly boring. The dialogue reads edgily- not fluidly like it would in reality. The plot line is going at a steady pace. However, the protagonist is a whiny little nit who I’m guessing you’re trying to portray as a strong willed female. It just reads as a B movie manuscript.
| GraceSaader chapter 1 . 1/15
Seems unrealistic. even for a werewolf themed story
| WhadTehFuhk chapter 12 . 1/1
Muy bien! ;D
| WhadTehFuhk chapter 8 . 1/1
I LIKE! FAVORITED !
| WhadTehFuhk chapter 1 . 12/31/2013
me at first: I'll read just one chapter then I'll stop.
me now: maybe just 1 or 2 more chapters.
| AdooreKhwab chapter 27 . 8/5/2013
CONGRATS! :D Please remind again so that I won't forget :p
| MaharaniMoony chapter 26 . 4/29/2013
I am in love with Raice, like no joke, he is like everthing I want in a guy... maybe not everything but I still am very much in love with him ;) I loved your story! And I'll definitely read the sequel :)
| i-kno-you-want-me chapter 26 . 4/20/2013
I'm not sure what to say actually... This story is truth, life... It was real, and I think this may actually be the first story I've read where not everything was a happy ending.. Jaiden's death, the Candy/Drew stuff, and Trent's betrayal make me want to hate you, but I really can't. Thank you.. And I will most definitely read The Mending f a Heart
| FR3AKSH0WV1CT1M chapter 25 . 4/15/2013
You made me cry in chapter 24 and 25. Because it was so good! Love it love it love it!
| Alaeryel chapter 26 . 4/14/2013
Ok I will be watching for the edited copy of this story-I LOVED IT and it IS DEFINITELY WORTH ANOTHER READ!
| Shadowsgirl9 chapter 15 . 4/6/2013
I really like this
you have a gift...you write really good I love it:)
| Infected Beliefs chapter 2 . 3/6/2013
[Damn she's fast for a human.] - Ok, a few lines up you say "It had been years since he smelled a female werewolf's unclaimed scent." Meaning, I can only assume, that Lucy is a werewolf. Having Trent think of her as human just seems contradictory.
[Trent knew she would get faster once she went through the change, but until then she should still be portraying human characteristics, not full werewolf speed. It was like part of her werewolf genes started to make themselves known sooner than they anticipated. It was a different case, but then again Trent had never been around a female werewolf who had yet to change. It could be different for them than for a male; he would have to ask Riven.] - That is a lot of thinking while he is supposed to be chasing Lucy. Maybe give us the info dump when we are not in the midst of an action sequence.
Unless she is a psychopath, which I don't get the impression she is, it seems out of character to have Lucy laughing in any capacity in this chapter. After she knees Trent, IMO a strangled sob of relief might be more fitting? Or a mindless yell as she struggles to get away from him. She has just been kidnapped, most people would be in a complete panic, not thinking about the way their captors face scrunched up after they kicked him and laughing about it.
[Trent whispered against Lucy's jaw, making her shiver in delight.] - The dude just kidnapped her! Why is she shivering in delight? She should be like, retching in horror or something. Fighting, screaming, something! I'm sorry but Lucy's character reactions do not seem real to me at all.
[Her breathing quickened as she fought to stay conscious. Everything was too much and she saw stars before she collapsed in Trent's arms and he shook his head.] - She has been through the whole ordeal of being kidnapped, attacked by her kidnapper, attacked by wolves, and now all of a sudden she faints because of some ugly guy?
In response to your AN, my favorite character is Riven, because I think he is the most level headed and consistent character to this point.
I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but I really think you need to work on your character's reactions and keeping them consistent. If Lucy is being kidnapped, let her be kidnapped and worry about her falling in love with Trent later. It will feel more natural for the reader. Same goes for Trent. He just met the girl tonight and has only kidnapped her so far. Not exactly a knight in shining armor. Let him DEVELOP feelings for her. That's my two cents anyway.
Good Luck to you and your writing,
| Infected Beliefs chapter 1 . 3/6/2013
[Lucy had moved into her parent's home and took care of her carefree sister.] - Yes, "took" is a past tense version of "take," but it sounds awkward (IMO) here. I think "taken" would work better but, meh, it's your story, and after all, writing isn't a democracy.
[It drove her up the wall when her sister didn't help out, and it had been like that for two years.] - I am a little confused at the time frame here. You mention earlier that they are at this amusement park for her sister's (their combined) 21st birthday. You also say that her sister had graduated college early and been home before their parents funeral. Along that timeline, Mindy would have been nineteen when she graduated college? That seems doubtfully young, considering that the majority of people don't even get out of high school until they are eighteen (seventeen if they are on the young end and MAYBE sixteen if they are early graduates).
[Her closest neighbor was six miles in any direction, and the town was fifteen miles house had been in the family for three generations.] - Er, you need a period here or something.
[Instead he rubbed his fingers in circles along the skin.] - I might be a guy but eh...that sounds creepy. lol
[Don't forget to grab our stuff out of the lockers.] - Wow...bitch made. Go grab a piña colada and and a bushel of frozen grapes while you're at it.
[I'm going to go grab a bite to eat with Trent. I'll text you later, and we'll meet at the car. Ok?] - As far as I have followed, Mindy never learned Trent's name and has no idea that Lucy just ran into him again. Would she not be a little curious as to, (A) Who "Trent" is and (B) why her sister is ditching her for some guy that she has never heard of? Especially after she nagged Lucy so much to ride the roller-coaster with her in the first place?
[She didn't mind Trent's company, but she wanted her parents on her birthday especially.] - I don't think I understand Lucy's character. On one hand she seems to hold quite a bit of resentment towards her parents. They seem to have treated her like the "red headed stepchild." On the other hand she does all this stuff to honor their memory and here you have her yearning for their company. Just seems rather inconsistent to me.
[...his hand holding hers.] - That's moving fast...they just met ten minutes ago. Must have been a very meaningful burger.
[He would have to work harder if he was going to win her over.] - Not too much harder though, it would seem.
Ok, the transition when you switch from Lucy's perspective to Trent's needs some clarification. I had to backtrack a few paragraphs once I realized that we were no longer in Lucy's mind. A simple line break would do.
Woah, you switch back to Lucy's POV just as abruptly. Do you really need to switch over to Trent at all? I think the chapter wouldn't lose any of it's objectivity by staying on Lucy the whole time. The tension can be felt just as well from her perspective. Try to focus on how she is feeling (and try to keep it consistent).
I like the kidnapping at the end, good cliff hanger to end the chapter. Creepy.
I do realize that this is chapter one out of twenty six, and if you are anything like me, you get a much firmer grasp on your characters as the story progresses. Right now I thought they felt sort of...scattered. I will read on to find out.
| Montara chapter 26 . 2/26/2013
I started reading the sequel first and after a few chapters I realized that it wasn't the first story so here I am, finishing your first story so I can understand Trent better. And now I know why he's like that and I can't say I'm sorry for him right now, he betrayed his family and his pack...I hope he'll grow up because I don't like how he's right now...
I'm glad Lucy is happy, after all that turmoil she deserves it. I'm sorry for Braiden, he didn't deserved what happened to him.
I loved reading your story. Thank you.
| LightningBolt21 chapter 3 . 2/8/2013
Wow, Lucy really kicked-butt when she broke Drew's nose. Candy's right, I wish I could do that. Raice seems nice but I still like Trent
"Lucy, you, my, and everyone in this house is a shifter,"
It should be "Lucy, you, me and everyone in this house is a shifter,"
I don't know if anyone has pointed this out? Anyway, my only problem is that there was a bit too much information for me to absorb at once, especially when Riven was talking about knowing her parents and so on.
Maybe you could have Lucy ask questions during Rivan's so its just not one big blob of dialogue.