;W;

UNSTABLE FELICIA.

I LOVE THIS SOMUCH c:

YOUSEI'S A THIEF, FELICIA THINKS MIKHAIL PUSHED HIM OUT,,,YESYESYES

OMG.

CLIFFIEEE MARIAN-CHAN WHY CLIFFIEEEEEEE

X'D

BUT I LOVE THIS CHAPTER, MIKHAIL IS AMAZIN.

3 I LOVE YOU FOR UPDATING~3

AND NOW WE MEET THE MISSING DAUGTHER AND YOUSEI

AND MAJA IS EAVESDROPPING.

SRSLY. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER.

UPDATE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

((and sorry for the caps xDDD I WAS EXCITED)

;W;

ANOTHER CLIFFIE c:

AAANDDDDDDD YAY FOR GRACIE BEING SMART ENOUGH TO BLACKMAIL!

UPDATE SOOON c:

I'm sorry, but I'd like to be as honest as possible in the interest of helping you improve. This is poor writing, probably 2 of 5 stars and only saved from being one by the intriguing plot idea. The reasons are as follows:

"Carmelle therefore was a secret, which was carefully guarded." This is the very first example of a sentence with two clauses, which is far too infrequent. Also, it is one of the only sentences that would benefit from being one clause: Carmelle was therefore a carefully guarded secret.

"Anton was a teen of thirteen, but since he was so tall, Anton could pass for much parents, having undergone a tragedy after another, spoiled the boy. Giving him what he craved for every time he asked or in most cases, demanded." The grammar here is all sorts of awkward. The first sentence is a run-on that's rather useless in places, and contains a dropped idea. For example: When you said he was thirteen, we figured he was a teenager. Duh. Also, "Anton could pass for much parents". You mean, I assume, "Anton was thirteen, but, due to his height, could pass for much older. His parents had undergone many tragedies and therefore spoiled the boy."

"Anton thought that because his loving parents gave him the best, he was best suited to rule Carmelle." So they don't do the same for Luka? Speaking of, there's this line: "The young prince also suffered from a horrible case of jealousy towards his older brother, Luka." That's telling, not showing; give us a scene of Anton feeling jealousy towards Luka and I'll believe you.

Also, paragraphs are a good thing! This entire thing is one paragraph, where with a bit of shuffling it would have made a good five or six and been a lot more coherent.

And finally, this is incredibly, incredibly dull. The prose is lifeless and unengaging, and the POV is the literary equivalent of a birds-eye view: we see the big picture, but it only works for a few seconds until we get sick of being unable to see the character's faces and the actual action works a lot better when we're on the same level.

;W;

AND THE PLOT THICKENS!

Pupu~

I should draw him, and Kala

But nice chapter, not to many mistakes, c: Keep updating!

;W;

OMG

YOU WROTE FELICIA SO GOOOOOOD ;U;

UPDATE OR I'LL CRY

POKIJUH

NO WORDS. AMAZING. And there are only a few mistakes here and there, nothing to major :DD

And enter plot twists~

Luka and Bell~

Nikki as Bell's servant

THIS COULDN'T GET ANYBETTER :DDDDDDDD

KEEP WRITING AND UPDATING ;W;

;W;

I can def. see you improving!

And this was one of my FAVORITE chapters

You write all the characters perfectly C:

And you can def. see Anton-Brownie changing

You should look at book on basic grammar. It will define a SENTENCE for you. This: All because he was a spoiled, immature child ~~is NOT a sentence; it is a sentence fragment. 'All' what? If this sentence refers back to closing sentence of the previous paragraph it should be tied to that sentence, not dangling alone. Try: Because he was a spoiled immature child, a Prince endangered this magnificent land one day.

His name was Anton the Second. No, his NAME is Anton. He may be the SECOND of that name, but his name is Anton. 'The Second' is only a societal tag.

His parents having undergone a tragedy after another spoiled the boy. Giving him what he craved for every time he asked or in many cases, demanded. Again, the second part is a sentence fragment. It is, in fact, a dependent clause and needs to be joined to the first part.

The basic sentence is: His parents spoiled the boy. Everything else is a dependent clause. Dependent clauses are set off with commas

Try: His parents(COMMA, since 'having...another IS A DEPENDENT CLAUSE. You can omit the clause without changing the sense of the sentence therefore it is a dependent clause and is isolated by commas.), having undergone a tragedy after another(COMMA), spoiled the boy(ANOTHER COMMA, BECAUSE THE REST OF THIS IS ANOTHER DEPENDENT CLAUSE. It can be removed without changing the sense of the sentence), giving him what he craved for every time he asked,(ANOTHER DEPENDENT CLAUSE,) or in many cases, demanded. After editing: His parents, having undergone one tragedy after another, spoiled the boy, giving him what he craved for every time he asked, or in many cases, demanded.

I notice some omitted words and a few strange constructions. Check out some of the basic grammar sites on the web and take your time proofreading before posting. Good luck.

3 ANOTHER UPDATE ;W;

YOU ARE ON A ROLL :DDD

I love how you can write all my oc's perfectly~While I'm terrified of writing yours ;W;

And Gracie would be a anime and manga fan W

And Kala and Pupu and Asia

Now you can expect a spamming of me on skype today ;) to updateeee!

This chapter was amaaaazinnnnggg keep writing Marian-Chan

SQUEE YOU UPDATED! *huggles*

IS THAT GRACIE c:?

AND WOW.

Didn't expect Anton to be a dog!

I LAV THIS, Keep writing pleaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeee

And you wrote all the characters wonderfuly!

Oh Nadya~

Something that has always helped me in my story writing, is to look back over your work and catch the small things that word processors will not. The word "a" is very important and is missing from your writing in certain places. Another pointer, try to have someone read your stories before publishing, that way they catch your little mistakes too.

33 I LOVE YOU.

LIKE LEGIT.

YOU NOT ONLY WRITE FELICIA, MAJA AND OLIWIA PERFECTLY YOU WRITE ADALA PERFECTLY w

AND NICE JOB, HAVING MAJA THREATEN ADALA'S HAIR VwV

POIUHGJI/O

THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW AMAZING THIS IS.

X3 Sorry I didn't review this before~

But it's off to a great start! And Anton's jealusy right now reminds me of Nadya's to him