Reviews for Metronome Dust
kljhlkkjhug chapter 1 . 3/19/2012
I really like the decriptiveness of this story, all your words are very vivid and complement the story well.

I liked the style you have here, all that descriptive detail in a short story makes this very poetic.

I also liked the overall tone of this story, kinda dark with lots of desparation. When done well, these are some of my favorite types of stories, and you did indeed do this one well.
SeinenReader chapter 1 . 3/10/2012
I like the creativity of this exercise to expand your vocabulary. I also like the understandable scenario that is occurring here; the last moments of, what seems to be, a mother lost in the desert, dying of dehydration, falling into hysteria and chasing mirages, only to become engulfed by an unnoticed sand trap. It's rather darkly poetic, in my opinion.
YasuRan chapter 1 . 3/2/2012
Sounds like a snippet from a very interesting novel. You reveal enough to engage the reader, but not so much as to not leave a little intrigue hanging.

I found the descriptions also lyrical and atmospheric, evocative of entrapment. Which matches the title of this piece perfectly, with the rhythmic inflections of the Metronome. The 'Dust' is realized as the scene ends and the protagonist's memories recede into just that. Although heartfelt, he realizes that his 'useless mantras' are indeed exactly that.

A wonderfully expressive piece. And props to you for drawing on your vocab for the challenge. I'd never have guessed that you had limited yourself to not using those letters.
Silver Sparke chapter 1 . 2/24/2012
First of all, great job writing such a powerful story with your restrictions! I wouldn't have even noticed if you hadn't mentioned it, so that shows that nothing seemed forced at all.

That said, I really enjoyed your imagery. I could imagine the setting in my head clearly.

I also like your flash fiction because it's very unique and I've never read anything like it, so good job with your creativity :)

~Silver Sparke
NearlyPrescient chapter 1 . 2/22/2012
very surreal and vivid. it sounds from the description as though you had an interesting objective, but I didn't really notice. it seemed like everything was put the way it should be, no words left out.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 2/20/2012
I think the way you described the sand and dryness was really vivid - I could almost feel myself getting thirsty while reading this, haha. I think that's what is most powerful about this flash fiction - the imagery. Especially the line about the dirt under the narrator's nails; that part gave me the creeps because I absolutely HATE that feeling. But yeah, the way you mention the heat, sand and dunes was very striking and I felt like I was standing there with him.

[I smash fists at the translucent surface, I scratch sound out of a throat so dried from sand, it scorches in torturous discomfort.]

I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not, so if it is ignore my next comment, but to be grammatically correct, the first comma should be either a period or a semi-colon. In my opinion, I think a semi-colon would be better.

But regardless, I really loved that second sentence about the dry throat - it made me almost want to clear my own throat when reading it. The way you address the senses is very well done.

[I am an emaciated carcass;]

I wonder if this is metaphorical or literal. A very powerful image either way, and I enjoy the ambiguity.

[I recall their faces and etch their smiles into the sand as I am thrust into the maelstrom.]

Ah, such a sad ending statement! After reading this, I get the impression he is dead and watching his family from the beyond. I can't imagine the torture of seeing one's loved ones so close yet unable to reach them. Now I wonder if those sands are almost his own depiction of Hell.

Very well done. This is full of a lot of emotion and meaning - I'm very impressed. -