Reviews for What's Lost
mylittleprincess chapter 10 . 2/12/2013
update please :)
Nesasio chapter 3 . 2/1/2013
but had remained more interest in video games

They'll want to some physicals, too.
-I can't tell if this is missing a word or adding a word.

and beneath it she tried to hard how much that actually scared her.

Okay, this is going to sound stupid, but for some reason this chapter seems way more British than the two before, haha. I honestly didn't realize where this was taking place until I read 'sixth form' and 'GCSE's' and was like 'Wait, where are we?' Maybe I missed something, but I don't think there was an indication before this, except maybe the hospital names, but I thought they were general made-up hospital names. It was a little disorienting to suddenly relocate this story in my head but I think that's more my issue than any fault of the writing.

So Trent hit her? I thought she hit Trent. That's what I got out of the prologue, at least. Hmm. So now I'm really lost because I don't understand yet what everyone's keeping from Eve. I thought at first maybe she hit her boyfriend and he was dead and no one wanted to tell her that. Scratch that. Then I thought it was that she hit someone else and was going to be in trouble and no one wanted to tell her that. Scratch that too. I am so confused. o.o
Nesasio chapter 2 . 2/1/2013
a room that she could have sword did not exist

He always knew where she forgot.
-Not sure on this sentence, if it's an incorrect word or if I'm just reading it wrong.

I feel a bit like Eve, reading this chapter. I know I'm missing something and I'm going to be upset when I find out what. Ugh. But this is a very good thing. I can relate to Eve. I was with her the whole way, emotionally.

I think the opening section is supposed to be in her mind, right? Like some sort of coma dream. I think that's a cool way to open, but at first I didn't get that impression. I didn't get the sense that anything was particularly off or surreal there so I just thought I'd skipped ahead somehow and missed her waking up in the hospital. It came together in the last couple paragraphs, tipping me off what was happening, but maybe you could drop a couple more hints before that?

One last thing, and you can take or leave this, haha: The nurse probably would not bring her a styrofoam cup. I work in a long-term-care facility and have experienced hospice, rehab, and outpatient facilities, and only outpatient ones give patients water in strofoam cups, because the patient numbers fluctuate and don't repeat. In a hospital like she's in it would be a reusable plastic cup, probably a mug with handles and a lid, because those are easy for everyone to use and can be washed many times.
Nesasio chapter 1 . 2/1/2013
Hello! So I save the review alert emails I get and keep a tally of returns I need to make, and I see 3 for you. Let me know if I missed one since the last time I did returns and I'll remedy the situation. :) Sorry this has taken so long. I was just looking at the dates on those emails and I could've sworn it was only a couple weeks ago but it's been since August and that's just not right! I'm so sorry I'm an airhead. :/

Anyway, to the story!

I like the ending as a lead-in to the story. It really made me want to click the next button. It did make me question whether she would be blamed for the accident and maybe have to face the consequences over the course of the story. I dunno if that's intentional or not, but I'm invested enough in the story already to be curious. Always nice for an opening chapter.

My one nitpick here was that she was smoking while crying. Admittedly, I do not smoke so I have no idea from experience if that's possible or a common occurrence among crying smokers. But I got the impression she was all-out bawling, and that sort of crying usually (in my experience) doesn't allow people to control their breathing enough to smoke. It's a minor thing, but it threw me off for a second, right in the emotional buildup to the ending, so I thought I'd mention it. Similarly, the description of that bit, where she parked, cried, left, and started crying again, confused me a little. In particular, I was thrown by her self-assessment that she let it all out, calmly (seemingly) finished her cigarette, but then was apparently still crying as she pulled away. Maybe another sentence in there describing her actions would help. Overall, though, those two bits didn't take away from the chapter.
mylittlePRINCESS chapter 9 . 12/30/2012
Happy New Year! update soon:)
Persnickety Fox chapter 7 . 10/8/2012
You updated! I've been out of the loop for far too long.

Grammar and Spelling: Great! Just a few little things:

[“I just wish I didn't have to use them all the time”] I think the word “them” can be changed to “these” to refer to the crutches. If it’s “them,” it sounds like she’s referring to her relatives, which confuses the meaning a bit.

["It was hard for me too, Eve."] “Too” as in “also,” or “to” as in “hard for me to [visit]?”

[You always knew I close I was to them; we can't be a couple if you let this...this...this gap grow between you."] “You always knew how close…” Also, the last “you” is a little vague. Maybe adding [and my family/and me] will help clarify where exactly the gap is located. He can't really have a gap between himself, can he?

Characterization: I see Eve’s fighting style now. I’m a little concerned.

She has a valid point; a boyfriend who doesn't like his girlfriend’s family, for whatever reason, is probably not a suitable boyfriend in the long-term.

But is she a suitable girlfriend? She doesn't really hear him out. She doesn't ask why he felt the need to push away her family, or try to understand him. She doesn't even give him enough time to explain himself. She just tells him how he should have acted, gets angry, and leaves with a threat to break up with him if he doesn't sort himself out - ironic since she’s the one who needs to sort out her own head, all worked up like that. She also accuses him of doing a horrible job being there for her when he’s the one who visited her at the hospital. He’s the one who brought her back home. He was the one who comforted her through her episode in the first car ride she had since the accident.

The accusing attitude and angry exit show that she’s not really a team player in this relationship. Shane’s issues aren't the only things that will contribute to their love’s downfall, if such a thing happens.

And Eve going off to meet someone new and different and emotionally available - doesn't help much.

That’s just my analysis. I find this dynamic very interesting. Relationships are messy things. Eve still has a point to rally behind, but her execution on the matter leaves room for improvement. So even if I don’t find her particularly sympathetic, she’s still compelling. I want to know if she’ll change and grow once/if she recognizes her own flaws.

Plot: Very interesting turn! Eve avoids reading her journal or getting professional help because she subconsciously knows some of her memories are painful. She has a one-sided argument with her boyfriend and calls Trent, who she trusts so implicitly that she brings him to her creative hideout.

I suspect there will be cheating soon. It still counts because she doesn't remember the break-up.

Overall: I really liked the flow in this chapter. Very smooth reading. Great job!
mylittlePRINCESS chapter 8 . 9/14/2012
please update soon.
glitterypower chapter 7 . 8/27/2012
love itt !
Alternate-Judas chapter 3 . 7/12/2012
Been a while since I read chapter 2 but I actually re-found my place easily, so that says something good about the first two chapters that they hung around in my mind. As for this one, i thought it was pretty good, too.

The start was a bit tell-y – it’s like a character profile an author writes to get an idea of a certain relationship – and I don’t think it works too well in the actual story. But other than that, everything was solid. The pace is good, the reader knowing what Eve doesn’t is still working in the story’s favour – building up tension and the like. The description and dialogue are good and the plot is moving along nicely. Be interesting to see why Trent is there acting a bit like a prick. And I’m pretty sure the accident was Eve’s fault (if not, Trent is being a complete and utter prick), and so Shane’s anger is a bit misplaced. At the moment, this story is like a cauldron of emotions, some of which have been forgotten and some of which are misguided; makes for an intriguing read, to say the least.

Couple o' tiny things:
“and beneath it she tried to [hard] how much” [should be ‘hide’].
“fixing him with her [strongest glare].” [don’t think this description really works; what’s her strongest glare?]
Another small thing, but you seem to keep on using the same words at times, and it was becoming a bit repetitive to me. Mainly: “chirped, “smiled”, “muttered” and “glanced”. Maybe mix it up a bit.
Anyway, good job on this so far.
Grimpeddler chapter 2 . 7/3/2012
This happened to a friend of mine, but she forgot every single one of her friends from school (whom she had grown up with since preschool) except for one, and forgot how to dress herself and count and tie her shoes. She took it pretty well, mostly she was just confused. I really like the scene where they ask her what she remembers, especially her answer and reaction. They sound pretty realistic :)
Persnickety Fox chapter 6 . 6/28/2012
She's home at last! Yay!

Grammar and Flow: [The chatter rose up, as everyone in the room began to talk.] As I explained before, no comma.

[He grunted, nodded and turned back to one of his sons] This needs a comma after "nodded" to separate the clauses in the series of clauses.

[Carol was named after an old childhood friend, who had died when Eve's mother had been young.] The comma doesn't have to be there because the clause is essential to the sentence. If it wasn't essential to the sentence and could be taken out and the sentence continued, then there would be a comma.

[She smiled. "It's okay, you're here now." She sat up, patting the bed. "How are the kids?" Mike moved forward, sitting on the side of her bed. / "Yeah, they're good..."] Because the topic has changed to Mike, the sentence "Mike moved forward" should skip a line and connect to his dialogue.

[Mike seemed as disappointed as Penny, and Carol kept silently.] Kept silent? There's also a missing word close to that part.

[It was a song that always made her cry, every time she heard it.] If it always makes her cry, I think it's a little repetitive to say the second clause. Maybe it would be better to take out one absolute so the sentence doesn't repeat itself.

[After a while, they stopped, and she moved away from him, inching backwards until she was against the kitchen counter.] The topic of the earlier sentence was Fred, so "they" would be the antecedent to Fred and Eve, not to the tears. I think "they" should be replaced with "her tears" or "she stopped crying" or something to avoid momentary confusion.

[You know, anything happen worth remembering, at all?] I don't think the second comma is needed because it sounds like "at all" modifies "anything."

[of climbing up onto it's great back,] "It's" should be "its" because "its" means "belonging to it." "It's" is an abbreviation of "it is," so it states things. "Its" is possessive, the kind suited for this sentence.

Style: [the older woman's face became tinted by sadness.] It seems we both like to keep changing how we refer to our characters. In this case, first it's the mother, then the woman, then the older woman, each change different from the next and one right after the other. Eve is just talking to her mother, so maybe it would be better to just call her "Mum" or the mother.

[As Penny filled her in on the details of the past few months, Eve tried to pay attention. She found her thought slipping away, wondering down different paths and away from Penny and the children.] Wandering. The ending to this scene felt a little odd to me. Eve was the one who asked about the details so she must have been at least somewhat interested in Penny's report. But then she got distracted. By what? Was she thinking about her music? The physical therapy? Was Penny's life dull? The vague "different paths" doesn't really explain what dragged Eve's attention away from the conversation. Here's an opportunity to catch up with her family, to discover what anyone could be hiding from her, and she tunes out?

I think it might be better for her to summarize the conversation by saying that she paid attention to it. That way, it's not like she gets distracted so easily.

[which, knowing you, are in one of those hundreds of notebooks in your room.] If Fred and Eve know where Eve puts her lyrics, him spouting this is too much information. It's for the audience benefit, yes, but it doesn't quite sound natural. Instead, the hundreds of notebooks can be shown to the audience in the description of her room. That way, Fred doesn't have to explain something both conversation partners already know.

Continuity: [Even had a little bit of a party when they heard you were awake."] Maybe the time the party was held should be clarified. If they had a party, these questions could come up: why didn't more people visit her when they found out she was awake? Why didn’t they wait for her to come to the pub to celebrate, like they're throwing a homecoming party?

Dialogue tags: First off, when it came to tags and beats, the conversation between Mike and Eve was very well done. Awesome. Keep it up.

["Breaking boy's hearts," Eve giggled.] I don't think she can giggle that. But if she said it, then giggled, that could work. Or if she giggled, then said it, that could work. But as it is right now, I don't think it's physically possible for her to giggle and say that at the same time.

["You're all keeping something from me!" she hissed,] Hissing involves a lot of "s" sounds. I don't think she can hiss that, either.

Final thoughts: The plot is going along smoothly. The reunion scenes are nice and homey. The family sounds like a real family; nothing stood out as odd about them. Eve's characterization has stayed fairly consistent. I'm guessing she'll try to confront Shane in the next chapter. Can't wait to find out if she will! Keep writing!
Vivace.Assai chapter 6 . 6/26/2012
[The chatter rose up, as everyone in the room began to talk.] I’m not entirely certain whenever a comma is needed or not, but I have a feeling the comma here doesn’t really add anything to the sentence. In fact, it would flow nice without the comma.

[who admitted to her that sometimes, it just brightened their days.] Once again, the comma here felt distracting since there were so many commas before with all of the ‘who’s.’ I think you can get rid of the comma, but at the same time, I can see how it might be needed. So with this, I’m not exactly certain what to do.

[Eve, however, saw it{,} and found herself once more thinking of Dusty and Dionne.] The bracketed comma isn’t quite needed. Since the conjunction connects two verbs related the same subject (and not two phrases), commas aren’t required with the conjunction.

[Her mother and father commented that, shame, but oh well there'd be another time.] The phrasing was slightly confusing. I think that since this isn’t dialogue, it would work better to say: “Her mother and father commented that it was a shame, but oh well, there’d be another time.”

Plot and Interactions: This chapter didn’t fail my expectations for Eve’s return to her family. There is all the celebration I would expect and all the heartfelt welcomes. I find her family’s reactions to be realistic. For example, her mother’s insistence that she have something to eat definitely reminds me of the regular doting mother, always worried about their child. Furthermore, Eve’s interaction with her mother really showed their love. Though you didn’t mention that they spoke with love towards each other, I got the impression from their dialogue of how much they care for each other. The same went with her entire family. Everybody’s interaction with each other struck a sense of déjà vu – a sense of quaintness that people expect from happy families. For example, when her grandma, Elizabeth, is talking about her husband’s poor hearing, I felt like laughing. It just reminded me of similar conversations with my own grandmother when she doesn’t have her hearing aid on. Thus, everything seemed truthful to what is expected and sometimes found in real life. So, I liked your portrayal of her return home.

What I also like how is the steady progression of this plot. Eve is slowly getting more information about what happened before the car crash. I always feel a desire for her to know the truth every single chapter, and then there’s some frustration when she isn’t able to figure it out. But this desire and frustration is what pulls me into the story – I empathize with Eve, and thus I care about what happens to her and what she must discover. By prolonging this inevitable discovery, you raise some suspense and the tension about what will happen next. So, it keeps me interested (while also adding that realism and good plot development to everything).

So with characters, once again, Eve holds the spotlight. Her family contains secondary characters, so I don’t expect that much from them. In fact, their appearance in this chapter was fulfilling enough, though if you managed to give them more character than just the supportive siblings and family, that would be interesting (it isn’t required though – in fact, it could be seen as excessive). But back to Eve. It seems as if music is what gets her memories going. Every time she hears a sad song, she starts to remember the events prior the accident, and I find this interesting. It shows just how connected to music she is, doesn’t it? Furthermore, her attempts to remember horseback riding show her persistence in trying to recover her memories. Clearly, she is going to put up a fight and try to conquer. I’m excited to see how she’ll recover more of her memories.

So the family doesn’t even know what happened between Eve and Shane? This makes things difficult, and I’m now even more curious what will happen when the truth spills out.

Overall, another nice chapter. Interested to read next update.

Signing off…

P.S.: I’m trying to find the song by Meat Loaf but I have no song title to search for (and frankly, I’m bad at finding songs without titles – it took me a few hours to find one song, even after listening to it and finding the playlist I heard it from).
Persnickety Fox chapter 5 . 6/24/2012
Grammar and flow: To summarize, there seems to be some confusion about commas. I tried to explain the rules on that, but I didn't explain everything, so if you have any questions, I'll try my best to go over them with you.

"Quickly...chatting to them" I think you mean "chatting with them."

"Easy going" can be spelled as "easygoing" or "easy-going." Either one is fine.

[tumbling towards Eve's bed.] "Tumbling towards" makes it sound as if she fell before she got to the bed. "Towards" should be replaced with "on" to clarify where she fell.

[And, suddenly, he was crying, too.] The first comma should be taken out because it's an unnecessary pause. Taking out the second comma is optional, but to stay consistent with the other time "suddenly" was used, it might be best to take the second comma out as well.

[Eve began to laugh, as Carol wrapped her in a big hug.] The comma should be taken out because the second clause is dependent on the first one. If the clauses were switched and the second clause was an introductory clause, the comma would be needed.

[he whispered in his ear,] I think you mean her ear.

["Sorry," she replied, as he pulled away and wiped away his tears. The curtains around her bed were open, and spotting the eyes on them, she gestured for her siblings to close them. They did so, before Carol pulled up a chair and sat near the top end of the bed. Fred sat by her feet, eyes fixed on her.] The curtains are not part of the dialogue tag so a line should be skipped.

[They did so, before Carol pulled up a chair and sat near the top end of the bed.] I find the phrase the "top end of the bed" a bit confusing and a bit too specific. The "top end" I'm guessing is the front of the bed. I think "near the bed" is sufficient to show where Carol is sitting.

"Fred sat by her feet, eyes fixed on her." The antecedent to "her" is Carol, so replacing "her" with "Eve's" would clarify who Fred is really looking at.

[She tried to ignore the strange, strained tone of her brother's voice, and nodded instead. / "Yeah!" Sounding bright and cheery, Eve nodded.] One nod should be cut so that the narration doesn't repeat itself.

[Eve nodded, slowly, absorbing the information.] If she nodded slowly, there is no need for the first comma because "slowly" is modifying the nod. If she nodded, slowly absorbing the information, there is no need for the second comma because "slowly" is modifying "absorbing." But as it is right now, the meaning is confusing with both commas, so one should be taken out.

[She trailed off, and Eve found herself squeezing Fred's hand, tightly.] "Tightly" modifies "squeezing" so a comma is not needed.

[She nodded, slowly.] "Slowly" modifies "nodded" so a comma is not needed.

[Her shoulders were starting to shake, as she looked from one sibling to another.] The second clause is dependent on the main clause because the second clause happens "as" the main clause happens, so a comma shouldn't be there. If a second clause happens "as," "while," "when," "because," "if," "after" the main clause, then there usually isn't a comma. If the second clause is independent and separate from the main clause, a comma would be needed. Example: Her shoulders shook, but her gaze did not waver.

[Fingers crossed, it won't be long until I'm out.] The comma splice should be replaced with a period or semi-colon.

[When Shane arrived, it was to find her asleep, her mouth ever so slightly open as she snored softly.] There is no comma problem in this sentence. This is awesome. Keep it up.

[Gently he woke up, holding up an apple as she slowly opened her eyes and locked her gaze on him.] "Her" is missing.

[she muttered, sleepily, as she slowly lifted herself up] "Sleepily" modifies "muttered" so the comma should be taken out. And the comma after "sleepily" can be cut because the next dependent clause starts with "as."

[Fast paced energetic songs just didn't work sitting down.] "Fast-paced, energetic songs": Comma should be there because it separates the adjectives that both refer to the noun.

[soft almost sad smile] "Soft, almost sad smile" for same reason as above.

[seeing her family, and of being home.] No comma needed because second clause is not independent.

Style: Every time the nurse speaks, she says Eve's name. I feel like her name is used a bit too much, so the frequency of it doesn't quite feel natural to me.

Dialogue tags: ["Gran's dead?" she squeaked] I feel that making her squeak doesn't really dignify her or convey her emotions in a serious way. Instead, the squeaking comes off as a little (unintentionally) comical to me. The other parts where she identifies her grandmother I find much more evocative and effective, and I think cutting out the squeaking would make it less silly and more dramatic.

["I want to go outside," she sniffed.] I don't think the dialogue tag works because she can't sniff her words. It's better off as an action beat.

["Never see them." She sighed. "Christ, I"] This is correct because it is an action beat. ["Don't beat yourself up over it," she sighed] This is not because she cannot sigh entire sentences.

["Oh, God," she choked out.] I don't think she can choke her words, either. (Or gasp them.) It's implied in the dialogue that she's upset and crying, so I don't think the dialogue tag needs to explain how she's speaking here.

I like that action beats are used frequently in between dialogue.

Continuity: I think Eve's family needed to know that Eve was conscious the day she woke up. According to Carol, they only found out Eve was awake the morning they visited. It took Carol and Fred at least two days to visit Eve since her awakening. Thus, it took at least two days for them to know, and the hospital didn't inform them - Abigail did. I don't think that the hospital system wouldn't notify a patient's relatives when the patient has awakened from a months-long coma. Maybe the hospital procedure should be taken into consideration in later edits.

Also, I don't understand why Abigail didn't mention that her best friend is awake the day she found out. If Abigail has been helping out Eve's family, wouldn't that be good news to spread immediately, not two days after the fact? I can't think of any reason to keep it a secret. Eve's awakening seems like a ray of hope for this mourning family to me. I think whatever motivation Abigail has for keeping the good news from the family should be explained. That would clear things up and also keep her consistent with how the characters see her.

Characterization: Eve's going through a major low point right now, so it's understandable that she breaks down crying throughout the chapter. The physical therapy and post-traumatic stress help bring out the tears in a realistic way. Good job with that!

That said, there were times when I thought she didn't sound her age. Her saying "gimme" and slumping her shoulders right before saying "my gran died" stuck out to me. The mood swing felt a little abrupt and made her look a little childish. I found it very odd. Maybe it would be a good idea to make her pause and look uncomfortable before admitting that grandmother died so that her reaction fits her age a bit better.

I wasn't able to visualize what Eve's siblings looked like from their descriptions. The descriptions are a bit confusing. How is Fred's face easygoing? Is it round and soft-looking? Does he have smile lines? Or does "easygoing" refer to his expression and not his features? And are Carol's eyes sharp because they're slanted or are they sharp because she is sharp? Clarifying these things can help create a clearer picture of their appearances.

The characterization of Shane and Trent show that they're considerate of the heroine, but I don't really learn much about either of them in this chapter, just what they do or don't know in relation to Eve.

To be honest, Trent's skinny-dipping suggestion isn't exactly funny to me. I find a little creepy. I mean, she can't move and he cracks a joke about her being naked in a body of water. They barely established their friendship a moment before. I find his joke sudden and inappropriate. I understand that it's a form of flirting, but at this point in their relationship, that to me crosses a line.

But of course, maybe that's just me. Other readers might find Trent hilarious.

Plot: I think it was smart to show the physical therapy and post-traumatic stress. It makes Eve's struggles feel real and make the reader want to root for her. It's also nice to show that she has people to support her and reason with her when she jumps to conclusions. Great job!
Vivace.Assai chapter 5 . 6/20/2012
Another nice chapter. Since I'm reviewing on an iPad, I'll have to be more general with specific scenes and I can't highlight any technical concerns, though I did a few misspellings like "bated breath" was written as "baited breath." otherwise, this was a pretty clean chapter for me in terms of writing though there were a few commas here and there that I felt were a little excessive.

Anyways, since I'm lacking analytical skills at,the moment, I will go with a basic skeleton of my thoughts:

Plot: I'm glad the chapter ends with Eve leaving the hospital since the changes she must overcome are quite distant from her hospital and are a part of her own world. Now we can see everything she must adapt to and how she reacts. The part at the end where Eve breaks down was a great way to remind the readers of the breakup and that not all is well with Eve and Shane. It also suggests that Eve does have the memories but she has either repressed them or has completely stored them somewhere she can't access. I'm curious as to how this plot line in the story will advance - how long it will be until she realizes what happened before the accident. But this plot is now moving at a great pace and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Characters: Once again, Eve illicits sympathy for her state especially since she handles it with an appropriate amount of frustration that everyone can empathize with. Her anger at her inability to walk is normal, but you do well in also showing why she feels that way. Your explanation of independence says a lot about Eve and what she values. Eve's brother and sister seem like nice people, caring and loving. They are not quite distinct enough that I have no opinions on them except that they are good people to have in a family and are supportive. I continue to like Trent. He appears playful but also very supportive, somebody who can help Eve get back on track. There isn't much to note about him but he's nice. Shane continued to perplex me with his feelings for Eve. He says he loves her in the chapter yet the two broke up in the beginning. I wonder why he continues to support Eve and if his agreement with Eve's statement about appreciating what you lost signifies his realization that he needs her after she went into a coma. I'm curious to see more of Shane and understand more of his feelings since it is slightly mysterious right now.

Other comments: I quite enjoy your use of dramatic irony with Eve not knowing about her break up. It makes everything intense and more suspenseful since readers are never sure what will happen and if Eve will realize the truth.

Overall, this was another nice chapter. Not completely memorable but not too bad. Nothing in the plot or characters struck out for me but there is great set up.

Thanks for the great read.

Signing off...
Persnickety Fox chapter 4 . 5/16/2012
Grammar: [For some strange reason, the first thought that popped into her head revolved around the idea that she didn't expect the man who caused her accident to be so handsome.] It takes a while to get to the point because the sentence is a little convoluted. "Revolved around the idea" can be taken out to make Eve more succinct.

[She bit down on her bottom lip, wishing, in a way, that she believed in something.] I don't think the phrase "in a way" is needed. Is she wishing in a way, as if there are several ways to wish and she can pick a method? Or does "in a way" relate to the "something?" If the phrase is taken out, the meaning might be a little clearer.

[Eve had, in a way, found her own form of prayer.] Again, the "in a way" can be removed without sacrificing the meaning.

[Singing to people, seeing the joy on their faces, the attention they paid to something as simple as a song, always made her appreciate what she did, what she was trying to do.] I suggest taking out the last clause. Either she did something or tried to do something. She can't do and attempt it at the same time.

Also, the paragraph that starts with the above sentence needs a little tweaking. [One day, she kept telling herself, she would make it.] This sentence sounds as if Eve continuously told herself throughout one day that she would make it. I don't think that's what you meant, so "one day" probably can be erased.

[Her songs would reach out, would touch people and, like the few that came to see her live, she would make them, for two or three minutes, feel that someone really understood her.] Whoa, there's a lot of fragments. Left by itself, this is what the original sentence becomes: "Her songs would reach out, would touch people and, like the few [songs] that came to her live [performance], she would make [the songs], for two or three minutes, feel that someone really understood her."

With inferences, it looks like this: "Her songs would reach out, would touch people and, like the few [people] that came to her live [performance], she would make [them (as in people, not songs)], for two or three minutes, feel that someone really understood her." But that's still busy, isn't it?

Because there's a few subject changes, maybe it'd be best to keep the antecedents straight or create two separate sentences so the line of thought doesn't get tangled.

I think you meant: "Her songs would reach out and touch people, make them really understand her for two or three minutes, like they did to the few who watched her sing live."

Or if the sentences were separated and pruned a little: "Her songs would reach out and touch people. She would make them feel like they really understood her, if only for a few minutes."

A little tweaking can help keep thoughts easy to follow.

[e-boyfriend] How does Trent know that Eve and Shane have an online relationship? Or maybe it's a typo?

Eve's Characterization: I like that Eve isn't angry at Trent for the accident; it was an accident, after all. But it seems at odds with her personality. I noticed that she has a habit of attributing bad motives to people.

Here are some examples: In the beginning of the chapter, Eve thought that the other party in the accident would have rather committed a hit-and-run than help an injured person, or check if that person would be okay. She says she wouldn't blame them for being so self-centered. It's like she expects such behavior.

Then, she refers to her gifts as "empty gestures." She jumped to the conclusion that the gifts meant nothing of people's concern for her. Because she didn't see these gift-givers visit her, they therefore didn't care. That reasoning is faulty. They DID visit her. How else did the gifts get to her hospital room? Isn't it evident that her friends visited her at different times, so they couldn't tell her who else came to see her? Making a judgment based on so little information reveals a lot about how she views people.

Also, she doesn't read the cards. She doesn't ask someone to move the stuff to her bed so she can find out who sent them. She assigns bad motives and doesn't confirm otherwise.

She doesn't just do that for side characters, she also projects bad motives on her friends. Yes, they're keeping something from her (who wants to be the first to break bad news?), but from the conversation she has with Trent, it sounds like she doesn't want them to visit her because of it. It's like she finds the stranger who hit her with his car better company than her own friends and boyfriend.

She judges people negatively and quickly. So why is it so easy for her to get comfortable with Trent? I mean, he's nice, but considering how suspicious she is with loved ones, wouldn't she doubt his good intentions even a little bit? Suspect that Trent was trying to avoid being sued?

It's because he's handsome, isn't it? *snicker*

Oh, and about him: [Something about his voice struck her; it wasn't just the fact that, for the first time, she noticed he was Scottish.] She only figures out his accent now? Wouldn't that be one of the first things to register when someone speaks?

Shane's Characterization: When Trent starts talking to Eve, Trent gets shy. But then Shane turns into a threatening bodyguard and suggests that Trent leave. That in itself is fine, he's just being overprotective in the face of a stranger.

But later Shane says this about Trent: "He said he wanted to see if you were okay. I think...I really do think he felt guilty." Shane is acquainted with Trent. So if he knows that Trent feels guilty, why is he all up in arms about having Trent talk to Eve? It's not like Trent will hurt her with words if his conscience is that bothered. Trent is harmless. Shane turns into a living barricade to keep Trent from apologizing. That makes him look pretty bad.

Shane's threatening, controlling behavior seems like bad boyfriend material so far. Boyfriend or not, Shane has no right to reject whatever help Trent offers to Eve because the offer is none of his business.

That said, all this makes him a very engaging character. I can't

wait to see what these characters do next.

Continuity: [But maybe it was Trent's way of dealing with the guilt. He had hit her, after all; if the accident was his fault, then maybe he was simply trying to make himself feel better.] I thought Shane said earlier that Trent visited her because he felt guilty. Making Eve come to this conclusion after it's already been established doesn't make her look like a good listener. Maybe her conclusion could come as a confirmation instead of a speculation. That way she'll look more a little more observant.

["Thanks," she whispered, wondering what would drive a stranger to do that sort of thing.] There's nothing to wonder, because he had just explained that he thought it would help. Also, Trent has to say twice that helping was the least he could do. It's like his words are going over Eve's head.

I like acting out dialogue to help keep track of a conversation. It also helps to weed out anything unintentionally funny or out of place, especially when there's a lot of introspection in between. Not only that, but it's really fun. You should try it; it might help you, too.

Keep writing!
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