|Reviews for Reboot|
| radred chapter 1 . 7/28/2012
sorry, that last comment was mine.
i forgot to add my name... and a sentence:
*the use of acronyms is also great. it makes him feel very familiar with military workings and really helps the flow (which is obviously why you did it), especially with the Other Time Line and This Time Line.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/28/2012
To be honest... that was amazing
best read i've had for a while
I love the the main character. The sardonic comments, his handling of situations, his jaded outlook on life, brilliant... dafuq is this doing on a website rather than being a published novella?
You also paint a very realistic scene. the japanese feel japanese, the americans american. The use of honourifics and the splattering of japanese terms is also really good, it feels very authentic. /very/ authentic.
although, you could possibly have steven say sama instead of san to some of the more influential japanese figures.
the use of acronyms is also great. it makes him feel very familiar with military workings and really helps the flow (which is obviously why you did it), especially with the current and
Now... constructive criticism. much of this has probably already been said but here goes:
The way he handled the dun drill at the beginning was... odd. I liked it but it could be better. i'm not good enough to tell you how, or even if it's possible, but it did seem slightly (and only slightly) off.
the dialogue at the end of chapter 13 was a little hard to follow. It moves a bit too fast with new characters to follow properly; i had to read it three times before i could totally comprehend what was going on. (but that could just be me)
in chapter 15 steven says that his mother could speak and write in fluent english and japaneese but after the fight he tells the major (the boy-that-mugged-steven's father was a major right?) that she would have been unable to help him write the report.
in chapter 16
"So…if he was terribly bothered by the fact that a seven year old boy had invented a Precision Guided Weapon that cost a fraction of what the current ones cost, it did not seem to bother him. The fact that these JDAM kits – hey, I kept the name, what can I say? – were supplied by Matsushita Electronics – didn't seem to bother him much either.?
you've basically said 'if he was bothered he wasn't bothered'. The use of bothered at the end is fine, as it's reinforcing the point, but the first two contradict each other.
this is probably the weakest chapter. The new characters are introduced too fast and the scene is over too fast. at least, i think that's what's wrong with it.
chapter 17 uses bothered in the same was as in 16. although, this probably only stood out because of the contradiction at the beginning of 16.
i totally thought that they were CIA agents, then they turned out to be KGB! Very, very well done. my only comment is that you could probably work in a comment that his new "guards" also acted as disincentive for any future attempts... or the same for the failure of their attempt. The event is not forgotten (it's actually explained very well with the whole 'riddled with spies' conversation) but the danger of future attempts is. (but this is major nitpicking)
regarding whether you should end it here, i think you should.
I would /love/ to read more about this guy but this seems like the best end point. you've wrapped up things with his father's family (although not his mother's) and outlined his future plans. If you finish here you finish on a major high and leave with an excellent final impression, rather than petering out.
anyway, absolutely brilliant. i REALLY enjoyed this...
once again, how is this not a novella?
N.B. for all people who read this. Comment on all of the stories you read.
Point out the good, point out the bad. Give ideas to improve things.
Praise is good. Praise with what you liked about it is better.
But, even saying something is shit and giving reasons why or advice on how to improve it is better than the highest of praise.
| NeWBeE chapter 24 . 7/28/2012
wow, great read. I read it in one sitting and it was quite riveting. I look forward to further works from you.
| MedicDave chapter 24 . 7/27/2012
I have read all 24 chapters in one sitting. I just have to say please more.
| MedicDave chapter 14 . 7/27/2012
You are not polluting the bandwidth. Very good read
| Elyneri chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
I love the idea behind the story and think it's a good one. But the first chapter was hard for me to read. It didn't flow right and was a little confusing. How does he know right away it's his sixth birthday? Wouldn't the rifle be too heavy for a six year old to handle easily? Does he not look like a six year old for someone to be asking why he's not in JROTC (although I don't know what age you have to be join)? How did he know his father career path was different then it was in his first life? There seems to be no implications or signs that it was otherwise. Since it's being told through his point view at the time it happen and not afterwards, I feel there should be more confusion in the character and less acceptance. Then again it might be just part of the character personality or maybe as I continue to read I'll find he knew this would happen and that's why he wasn't shocked or confused and knew the date.
It feels like you also could combine some of these sentences to make larger paragraphs so it doesn't feel like I'm jumping around too much. It would make it easier to read as well. I also feel that's there too much use of ellipses and dashes and they lose their impact. I would remove most of them, put anything between dashes or asterisk in italics instead, easier to read. The ellipses I would replace with commas or remove completely. For his own thoughts, just like them in italics and remove the asterisk. The italics will tell you it's his own thoughts at the time plus the content. If you want to make it clearer, just add "I thought" to it. Also, instead of capitalizing words for emphasis, either put an exclamation point if it's suppose to be shouting or in italics for emphasis. If it's like that, it's like shouting in my brain, plus when a word is capitalize it usually means it's an abbreviation. If you do want it be like it's shouting then do something like, "I shouted, 'Hey!' at the guy running away." Looks better. There were also other minor grammar errors that can be easily fixed, but not a big deal to me or bugged me as much, we make them or miss them.
I really recommend going back rereading and revising this chapter. It'll draw in more readers if you did that. Another thing to think about when writing is looking back at some of your favorite fiction books and how the writers wrote their stories. I do that when I write or read a good book, it helps me learn more as what to do as a write.
Hope this review was helpful. I'll continue to read it to see how it goes!
| cnelsonqc chapter 24 . 7/27/2012
I enjoyed this a great deal. Actually got me to go back and read Ken Grimwood's "Replay".
| Shadowfox13 chapter 21 . 7/25/2012
Keep going :)
| Mem The Great chapter 21 . 7/25/2012
Please continue. This is an interesting take on what could've happened, probably one of the most original plotlines I've seen on this site. Just a few tips: when quoting something within dialogue, instead of the "" quotation marks, use the '' ones. Steven's family seemed to take his revelation a little too easily and can you please add a foreword explaining all the military terminology? I found myself getting quite confused.
| Ahaneon chapter 14 . 7/25/2012
You suck, but please keep polluting my bandwidth.
| cypress16 chapter 21 . 7/25/2012
I've been following this story and your others. We seem to have a similar interest in the genre, although I would say our approaches are very different. Different life experiences equate to writing different story and plot scenarios.
I enjoy the challenge you present with the technical and geo-political discussions that 'Steven' has with the supporting cast. Obviously, your viewpoint on the times, certainly thought provoking.
As I said in my first review, I still have a concern with the I-POD... In my story I left the 14 year old me with nothing, but his knowledge and memories trapped in estrogen charged girl body.
Please continue. I'm signed up for the ride...
| JayK87 chapter 20 . 7/22/2012
great story hope you continue writing
| realm chapter 20 . 7/16/2012
please continue, i yearn for more.
| Guest chapter 20 . 7/12/2012
I really enjoy your story and I have no idea why you have so few reviews. I mean a story THIS good and is twenty chapters long usually fetches quite a bit of feedback. You could try being a pain in the ass about it. It's o.k to since readers tend to be one when demanding an author to update so no reason a author can't be a pain when asking for reviews. Oh and don't pay attention to this if your o.k with sixteen not that that isn't good just I think you deserve much more.
| paulsub63 chapter 20 . 7/11/2012
Continue Please. I am enjoying this. (First day at FP)