|Reviews for The World Ends Here|
| Hail-Storm22 chapter 1 . 9/21/2014
Hello I am from the roadhouse and thought I'd give your story a try.
This first chapter is cool or interesting whatever word you like better. It's just I feel like I know what is going on but then again I don't. That isn't bad though. I am not conpuzzled when I read. I just don't know what's exactly going cause it's the first chapter.
Your names for your characters are quite cool.
That's about it for what I have to say for this chapter but you will probably see me review a few more times on this story.
Have a Grand Day!:)
| LiVEWiRE360 chapter 1 . 9/19/2014
It was alright. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I like the names. You show originality in this chapter. I also like how you have the characters speak whats going on and not having it in super long paragraphs. The characters are pretty likable too and im curious as to what the matches will be. ;)
| DarkDoll25 chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Return review for The Roadhouse bar
Interesting beginning. Perhaps it would be better if you did not jump straight into the story though. A little bit of background would really help the readers out! You started listing characters and settings in a rather confusing fashion. Slowing it down a little is better in my opinion.
Still, this is a great start! The end of your chapter really hooked in attention. It felt like a cliffhanger of sorts. What will happen next?
"That I am, child." Commas are important as they give readers an impression of your writing style and whether they want to see more.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/21/2014
From the roadhouse
to herself to beat them no matter what, no matter the cost.- Simplify to just no matter what the cost.
I like the way you have several unique names and then just Jason.
Besides, a sign up center is ten blocks away- Does she mean that is nearby because that sounds pretty far?
You'll also be given a special pendant thing which you can choose to change into anything of your choosing- Would read better if you avoided doubling up on the word choose I think.
projects an arena around all competitors so you don't destroy the city with your weapons.- Nice!
The pendants are pretty cool, great idea.
Nice ending to show a dark conspiracy going on.
Overall I really like the feel of the story with this tournament. While your writing is nicely detailed I think it could use a little more description about what things look like or other sensory stimuli. Am interested to see exactly what these fights turn out like. Great work.
| Meng En chapter 11 . 7/20/2014
You're consistent with your former pacing, yet your rhythm in this chapter is disrupted compared to your earlier counterparts. Perhaps it's the predominant usage of both simple sentence and compound structures, or maybe it's singular employment of loose sentence structure in syntactical theory, but a little more variety amongst the elements of literature would have made your chapter more appealing to me. While I understand your style of writing is dependent on dialogue and environmental interaction for the flesh of your literature, I humbly suggest a little more emphasis on the element of imagery to complement your verbal arrangements.
Regardless, your usage of diction and organization remains reasonably apportioned to your style. Well done.
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 1 . 7/17/2014
Hi, review return :)
So I really enjoyed how fast-paced this was, and the little twist you have at the end there with anders being a sneaky mofo. The idea of the tournament was fun too, and I can't wait to see how that goes :).
Cc wise, I think you could have possibly started in a better place. We don't need to see Monika and Bryan talking about signing up to a competition we then immediately see them sign up for - just start in the mall straight away. Also there was a lot of exposition going on through dialogue that seemed a little forced (e.g. that guy telling them what the sign up guys told him - wouldn't they know all about this already? Or if not, why don't you just have the sign-up guys tell Monika and Bryan this directly? )
| firenerd chapter 1 . 7/16/2014
I actually quite enjoyed this first chapter. As others have stated, it is a bit dialogue heavy, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. The pacing is a tad on the fast side, but it also helped to bring me into the story. I'm left curious at the end of the chapter, which ended the chapter on a mysterious but good note, making the reader want to continue your story. Overall, pretty good.
| tstul006 chapter 1 . 3/21/2014
I like that you're writing is dialogue heavy. Because I'm a big fan of dialogue. But when you're going to be writing a lot of dialogue you need to make sure you can keep it from going dry. Tell us how they are feeling try and make sure that if it's an informal situation they aren't talking to stiffly. Also that they aren't stating the obvious. Because in real life we don't go around stating the obvious so our characters shouldn't either. Say the words out loud. Also you have to be sure you don't repeat information. Basically either have the characters say it or put it in the supporting paragraphs but not both.
I kinda like the way you formated it. It different. Something about it sorta reminds me of Pokemon... (don't ask why. I've never even watched the show except in passing.)
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 1/12/2014
I’d strongly suggest you re-read this. The pacing is way too fast, especially in terms of action, and a lot of it doesn’t make sense. It feels too jumpy, moving all over the place, and the last fight scene just didn’t feel exciting. Narrowing down your cast of characters, or slowing down the pace so we can actually get to know them, will really help. At the moment, there’s nothing to help the reader feel for them, relate to them or root them on. It’s just them jumping from one moment to the next with little explanation, emotion or much to really go on. Even in third person, you need to take POV into account. Try not to jump from one person to the next in one scene, as it makes it confusing. Stick with one person per scene or, even better, per chapter, as that will really help the reader connect to the people you want us to connect with. Good luck.
| Veronica Fay chapter 1 . 12/29/2013
Hi! I really like how you everything separated by time and place. It makes it easy to follow what's going on. The ending this chapter is great! That's a great way to make people interested in what's going on. The concept of your tournament was explained well and I liked that you introduced, at least the names, of a bunch of characters because these could be people going up against each other!
| writer 145 chapter 1 . 12/7/2013
I must admit, the dialogue wasn't very strong between Monika and Bryan. Neither really had their own voice and it lacked a little in energy, But, the bit where they almost started arguing was good, I almost imagined Monika sticking her toungue out at him.
Sometimes, the characters dialogue verges on info dump. I'm really only talking about the Fate characters bit. Just a suggestion, but it may be better if there's some other reason she's telling them. You know? Like : 'Omg, my emblem is kickass! Can't wait for the shield to pop up and commence the beat down. Huzzah!'
I do like the idea though. I love a good story that has groups of people duking it out.
To be off topic, I'd reccomend you watch an anime called Fairy Tail. It gave me the inspiration for my own, and it's quite a good one. Just got a vibe you might like it from this story :)
| Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 9/25/2013
Hey there, Nox from the Roadhouse here.
Holy mother of fluffy infodumps. I barely start reading and I'm dunked into a tank of backstory and unfamiliar setting awash with 'characters'. Why start with a tournament where all these "familiar faces" appear to be competing? To me it feels like I'm being dropped into a bingo drum where a random name is being pulled out every few seconds. I feel like I should have read a different book first and I'm jumping into a sequel.
There's a few things I like, your format for instance, but even then I think I should know about these locations before hand rather than learn about them in the first chapter. Your character's interactions also felt natural. I felt like I got a good taste of the main characters, but I feel as though I'm missing A LOT about the others.
Take this chapter and make it more descriptive. Drop a whole bunch of characters and make us care about the ones we need to know about. If you feel like we need to know more, make it fit naturally. Write towards that goal, instead of finding a place to put them.
| Epic Myth chapter 1 . 9/24/2013
Hi, I'm Epic Myth from the Roadhouse, you reviewed my story, Men and Immortals. I am returning the favor, and before I get into the nitty gritty, I must say, "I got bored." I shit you not, I started reading and the first thing I noticed was that there was a lot of telling... a LOT of telling. On top of that, I have a hard time keeping track of these new people being introduced left and right without much significance.
The story starts off with Bryan and Monika talking about this tournament. Okay. That's fine. No Problem-o After the first two lines, Monika ranted about god knows what. And I'm like... "Huuuuh? The Order? King of Warriors?" The next sentence or so mentions the Order as a team which nearly killed Monika... and that's it. Nothing more about that relationship other than a short blurt.
As the first chapter goes on, I get more and more bored as more people continued to pop up. Lots of dialogue, but not much meat to hold it down. A lot of the talk seems random rather than being an essential. The fact that the protagonist(s) live in the warehouse doesn't do anything for me. Not much describes it or make it a setting of significance.
This story is reading to me as being... flat like cardboard. And somewhat cliche, the ending of the chapter especially. An evil force working behind the scenes. The girl is the key to the gate. The tournament turns out to be a trap.
I might be wrong. Perhaps the story gets better or splinters off that route and something unexpected occur.
Unfortunately, this being your first chapter, this is the first impression, and a bad first impression sours the experience for the reader.
Sorry if I am being harsh, but this is how I see it.
| CTRL-Zed chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
I like this idea; everyone's some sort of superhero, and they all defend the city and fight each other. Though from this chapter, it looks like they're more preoccupied with fighting one another than defending.
So the tournament is part of some conspiracy to open a gate? That's an interesting touch. Why do the tournament organizers want to open the gate? What's on the other side? And why is Monika the one who can open this gate? That's got me hooked.
Quick grammar / spell check. Use the advice as you wish:
[The seal your given is random...] "you're" instead of "your".
[...in the shape of prince's war crown.] missing "a" before "prince's".
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/27/2013
A lot of this is quite dialogue heavy; although there’s a little bit of description in there, you could add some more to give the reader a much stronger sense of where the characters are. As well as that, you may want to build on their emotions. Those watching the battle, for example. Some of the pacing could be slowed down as well, as it moves quick fast at times and is a little choppy. There’s a lot of characters here for the reader to try to remember, so again, I’d suggest slowing down the pace so the reader can get a better idea of the characters themselves and get to know them more. For each chapter, you may want to focus on maybe two or three characters, again, it lets the reader get to know more about them. I feel like the last part isn’t really needed. We know Viktor was working for someone, and the stuff ‘revealed’ there could maybe come up in later chapters. Try not to jump around between different sets of characters too much, as it can detract from the story.
As for the battle…I feel like you rely too much on telling, rather than showing, especially with the characters describing their moves and powers so much. Why would they do that? Surely telling their opponent about the power gives the opponent an advantage? [, Kifune had been training in a forgotten art,] If it’s forgotten, how did she train in it? [the art of redirecting lightning] Because we know what the characters are going to do before they do them, a lot of the suspense is lost. Try building up the suspense more and describing the character’s powers/moves, what they do and their effects, rather than simply stating it. Good luck, and hope this helps.