|Reviews for The World Ends Here|
| VSP Helix chapter 16 . 3/1
You've set up a pretty interesting story here, with a nice balance between almost modern-day interactions and fantasy swords/magic/battles. I did find the first 3-5 chapters extremely lighthearted and informal, especially dialogue-wise, which doesn't seem to fit the intensity of battles, gore, and death (unless everyone in the arena is supposed to seem like a cheerful, careless killer, in which case the dialogue conveys that feeling perfectly). However, the overall story has a nice military/spy thriller overtone, which I think you've managed to mesh uniquely with the fantastical arena and tournament elements. Keep up the great ideas!
| CheddarBrat789 chapter 1 . 3/1
I'm not the biggest fan of Fantasy-type stories, but I can still appreciate good writing, and so far, this piece definitely fits that description. You do a very good job in setting up the world and main characters, and the story as a whole, which is always a good trait for a first chapter to have. And with the way it's written, I'm also intrigued enough to read on, if only a little more. You do have some minor errors such as using the wrong "you're" once or twice, and this particular sentence:
"There were fifteen people who lived in the warehouse, including Bryan and Monika."
The sentence by itself doesn't house any errors, but when positioned right after the particular sentence before it, it reads a little funny. Here's how I would've reworked the beginning of that paragraph:
"When Bryan and Monika got back to the warehouse, only one other person was there. Apart from those two, there were 13 others who lived there."
And I'm sure that's just ONE way you could've done that.
Aside from these minor things, I enjoyed reading this first chapter. Keep up the good work!
| Jon Keeling chapter 2 . 3/11/2016
Just finished the second chapter.
I appreciate the imagination it took to create such a world and arenas of combat.
One thing that I think could have been left out was the idea that the fighters explain all of their moves and abilities. Surely in combat, you want to keep your arsenal a secret? It's a little like a fight from Yu Gi Oh.
One thing that I have noticed, is that your writing has a nice flow and pace and is very easy to read. To your credit, you aren't afraid of using dialogue, which is one thing some people fear doing.
| Jon Keeling chapter 1 . 3/11/2016
I like the world you have cast your characters into. It seems like it will be full of action and a competition is a great way to make a fantasy interesting, e.g. the hunger games.
One thing that I didn't like was how Fate waltzed in and told them everything about the competition. Bryan and Monika seem like seasoned competitors. If the competition had changed you could have gotten Fate to have said that, or made it obvious that this years competition was of some sort of mystery. Showing is better than telling in most cases. And the way Fate just went on seemed a bit unnatural.
I like the sudden twist in the end of the chapter. Nothing beats a bit of conspiracy.
I will read on.
| SForces chapter 2 . 2/19/2016
The battle scene in this chapter is very good. I like your descriptions for both of the fighters when the fight starts. I also like the fact that even when it seems over, kifune refuses to give up.
| SForces chapter 1 . 2/19/2016
Your story has quite a bit of potential and I like where it is going. I love tournaments especially ones in fantasy. I remember playing Breath of Fire 3 and my favorite part of all time was the tournament aspect. It was the same when I watched Naruto.
As I read this first chapter it appears you took the approach of throwing the reader straight into the deep end. Not a bad approach, but based on stories I have read in the past not a great approach either.
What I mean by this is there is no "true" beginning to your story. Reading the first Chapter I know the following:
-The place is a city with various buildings such as a mall, dockyard, and a warehouse.
-The characters, whom over 18 of them are mentioned right away, are planning on joining some fighting tournament
-Their weapons, which haven't been mentioned, could be powerful enough to destroy parts of the city so a special force field has to be created around fighters to prevent that
There are more questions in this chapter than answers, sometimes that's a good thing sometimes its not. In this scenario I do not think it is a good thing. The reason is:
-You didn't describe any of the characters. We know some are male, and some are female.
-You didn't describe the time period this story is being placed in. Is this the 1300s with swords, shields, spears. Is this 3500s with laser rifles, pulse cannons, maybe nukes that can wipe out an entire region if handles improperly. Could it even be just a generic fantasy timeline with magic, dragons, swords, enchantments?
-You didn't describe the city. Is it a metropolis housing millions of people? Or is it a regular sized city with a hundred thousand people. It may not seem like a huge deal, and the population of the city isn't. However it helps to achieve a very large aspect of reading. Immersion. If there is going to be a city wide tournament with the reward being a million bucks, A metropolis will give a different immersive experience than a small city. It also helps us decide are there sky scrapers here? Or are there merely 1-2 story buildings everywhere? Take Tokyo Japan vs Dublin Ireland for example.
I will be reading more of this because it does have some interesting points. Keep up the great work!
| solacing chapter 1 . 8/12/2015
Heyo, I'm here from the Roadhouse. This is only the first chapter, so I don't have too much to say, but I love some action/fantasy haha. :P Anyway, I'll give you a more constructive reviews as I read on. I'd like to know more about your characters.
| This Guy Again chapter 1 . 3/29/2015
Hey there from the roadhouse, returning your review, sorry it's a little late coming.
Your initial chapter didn't really grab me as well as I think it could have. Starting with dialogue is perfectly fine, but that particular first line wasn't very active or engaging. Sprucing up the language to make it more exciting might go down better.
I noticed you used figures a lot [There are 20 other places...] which is generally something you don't see in fiction. Usually you'd say write the number out in place of the figure i.e. twenty as opposed to 20.
This chapter had a lot going on, and the rapid introduction of several characters made for a difficult to follow piece. It might really be worth leaving some of the characters out, or at least just cutting some of the names out. The names themselves are great, and I really enjoyed some of the titles these characters had, but there were just too many. I think leaving a lot out and bleeding them in over later chapters would be beneficial to your story overall, as it'll make the opening chapter much more punchy and enjoyable.
While I found a lot of the dialogue to be realistic and believable, there were some sections that just seemed a little inane. For instance the line "Okay. I'm gonna go and visit a friend now..." was obviously realistic, but really added nothing of value to the plot and just sort of bogged the flow down a little. Another issue I had with the dialogue occurred in the last paragraph.
["Yes Sir," Anders said.
"Oh and Sir, you...] The second part of his dialogue here really should have been tagged on to the same line instead of being on a new paragraph.
I will say that this chapter moved along at a nice pace. There were some clear plot developments which is something that is often a major problem, but you managed to avoid any issues there. The addition of some intrigue at the end was a nice touch, it's good for luring the reader into carrying on. I'm curious to know what this 'gate' will turn out to be and how things are going to unfold.
Overall, this chapter has the potential to be a very good opener, it just needs streamlining and sprucing up a little. Less infodumping, less telling and more showing would go a really long way to making this chapter stand out.
-from the roadhouse
| Scott Pilgrim chapter 3 . 3/27/2015
Very good chapter. You have a grasp of using breaks to keep tge suspense flowing. Kifune's ability, I feel, was a bit thought up on the spot, which is cool. It shows how the fighters can be flexible in tge midst of a tough fight.
| Scott Pilgrim chapter 2 . 3/24/2015
This story is really interesting, in my opinion. I already like the idea of the duelist's seals holding their power for them. Also, the seals being able to create battle arenas is a very nice touch.
Man, Viktor must be one heck of a mean dude, just going around and hunting down warriors for the souls. Being able to control elements of the Four Horsemen? Really sick in a good way. I wouldn't want to tangle with him.
| Blazing Lights chapter 1 . 9/21/2014
Hello I am from the roadhouse and thought I'd give your story a try.
This first chapter is cool or interesting whatever word you like better. It's just I feel like I know what is going on but then again I don't. That isn't bad though. I am not conpuzzled when I read. I just don't know what's exactly going cause it's the first chapter.
Your names for your characters are quite cool.
That's about it for what I have to say for this chapter but you will probably see me review a few more times on this story.
Have a Grand Day!:)
| LiVEWiRE360 chapter 1 . 9/19/2014
It was alright. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I like the names. You show originality in this chapter. I also like how you have the characters speak whats going on and not having it in super long paragraphs. The characters are pretty likable too and im curious as to what the matches will be. ;)
| BrackishNight chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Return review for The Roadhouse bar
Interesting beginning. Perhaps it would be better if you did not jump straight into the story though. A little bit of background would really help the readers out! You started listing characters and settings in a rather confusing fashion. Slowing it down a little is better in my opinion.
Still, this is a great start! The end of your chapter really hooked in attention. It felt like a cliffhanger of sorts. What will happen next?
"That I am, child." Commas are important as they give readers an impression of your writing style and whether they want to see more.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/21/2014
From the roadhouse
to herself to beat them no matter what, no matter the cost.- Simplify to just no matter what the cost.
I like the way you have several unique names and then just Jason.
Besides, a sign up center is ten blocks away- Does she mean that is nearby because that sounds pretty far?
You'll also be given a special pendant thing which you can choose to change into anything of your choosing- Would read better if you avoided doubling up on the word choose I think.
projects an arena around all competitors so you don't destroy the city with your weapons.- Nice!
The pendants are pretty cool, great idea.
Nice ending to show a dark conspiracy going on.
Overall I really like the feel of the story with this tournament. While your writing is nicely detailed I think it could use a little more description about what things look like or other sensory stimuli. Am interested to see exactly what these fights turn out like. Great work.
| Meng En chapter 11 . 7/20/2014
You're consistent with your former pacing, yet your rhythm in this chapter is disrupted compared to your earlier counterparts. Perhaps it's the predominant usage of both simple sentence and compound structures, or maybe it's singular employment of loose sentence structure in syntactical theory, but a little more variety amongst the elements of literature would have made your chapter more appealing to me. While I understand your style of writing is dependent on dialogue and environmental interaction for the flesh of your literature, I humbly suggest a little more emphasis on the element of imagery to complement your verbal arrangements.
Regardless, your usage of diction and organization remains reasonably apportioned to your style. Well done.