|Reviews for The phantom writer and supernatural kllers|
| Revamp chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
This story was long but a nice addition to Book one Secrets. I like how you expounded on Adam and Jaquelin's characters. This story was a nice combination of fantasy and horror.
I think in the future you should break up your longer paragraphs and clean up a few typos and it would be even better. Adding this one to my favorites list. Grand job.
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 10/30/2012
I love the premise of your story. A mother who can foresee her son's death through her dreams, but seems helpless to do anything to stop it. It is terrifying, indeed. You're pretty good at building suspense and making us wonder what is coming next. However, there is a lot that needs to be fixed here. I won't go into all the missed commands, grammatical errors, repetition of words like 'I responded' and 'he did this and he did that', run on sentences, and awkward sentence structure. My biggest suggestion in that regard is to PROOFREAD your work before posting. Nothing turns a reader off faster than reading a story riddled with errors and missed words. To error is human. Shit, I have a problem catching my own errors have[oops! I meant half] the time. That's why it's a good idea to have a second pair of eyes, such as a beta reader help you proof your work. You can also read your story aloud. If it doesn't sound right coming out your own mouth than it definitely doesn't sound correct on paper. Since I see that most of the other reviewers have already pointed these issues out to you in detail, I will focus on the story itself. My first issue is with the mother narrating this story. She sounds like a teenager, not an adult. Youy haven't flesh out her character enough to make her relatable. The timeline of the dreams and her present reality is confusing. There is no real transition between the twelve year old Daniel and the adult Daniel. I had to go back and read it again to understand that the first dream was suppose be ten years ago. My next problem is with your dialogue between the characters and the narrator's internal musings. They just don't sound natural to me. The mother also makes assumptions about people based off of very little information. For instance, all Jasper did was ask her last name. How is that suspicious? Isn't that what most people ask each other when they first meet? Another thing that seemed unrealistic is the detective's letter. Would he really disclose a bunch of information about a case and list names the victims to a civilian? The characters do too much explaining to each other and that can really be daunting to a reader if done unrealistically. Now you can take my review with a grain of salt. It's just my own personal opinion and preferences. My critique is not be negative or cruel. I'm being as honest as I can be out of respect for your talent as a writer. I want to see your work improve and you develop into the great author I know you can be. As a fellow lover of words, I'm also looking to grow and learn from others. I hope what I said did not deter you from your craft, but builds upon your creativity and determination to tell your story and have others enjoy it as well. Best of luck!
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 10/29/2012
[The blow hit me as I tried no to cry but saw a voice say "It looks like he will be back from this nightmare."] It should be "not to cry". There are also similar errors, and I believe the piece would benefit from some more proofreading. Also, I would work on your wording because I don't think you can "see" a voice… hear it, maybe.
I'm not sure how old your narrator is, but if her son is in his twenties, I'd think she's at least forty. I didn't like the narration because there were times where Jacqueline sounded more like a teenager.
| Anxious Axolotl chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
Interesting story, you did a very good job at building up suspense and brining in interesting character traits that said a lot about people in very few words. I did find the ending a bit confusing, likely because of the sheer amount of names and relationships. There were also a number of minor errors I found, you might want to cinsider finding a beta reader:
[my perpetual vision] I might be wrong, but I think it's meant to be 'peripheral vision'
[I tried no to cry] Should be 'I tried not to cry'
[ saw a voice say] If she literally did 'see' the voice, I think it could be elaborated how exactly that would look.
[ see your son death] Should be 'son's death'
[ I did the only logic to do] The saying is usually 'the only logical thing to do'
[ you see him ten years older than his current twelve year old age.] This sounded sort of odd, 'his current twelve year old age' sounded unnatural and how could she tell he was 22 in her dream? Maybe something like 'he had to be at least 10 years older in the dream as he looked like a young man, but in reality he wasn't even a teenager yet.'
[I was about to say something but who I am to argue with style except his mother] I didn't really understand the 'except his mother' part, maybe 'only his mother, of course' or something similar would make the emphasis you want.
You use the speaker tags 'said' and 'responded' a lot, using 'said' a lot is ok, but try replacing some of the 'responded's with other tags and put some of the tags after the dialogue to mix it up a little so it doesn't feel monotonous.
[I don't know my last name since I had lost my memory but the doctors said that it was Falcon. ] It seemed a little odd she was admitting this to a stranger, she comes across as fairly conservative with her reaction to the blue and all so it seemed sort of out of character.
[his strength blow down a tree similar to a werewolf blowing down a straw house.] I think it's meant to be 'his strength was enough to easily blow down a tree', also it's not really clear how she knows this.
[ It read: If you like to know information after you are done cleaning up my notes meet me at the docks by Pier 16.] [ It read: Signed the Phantom Writer since I see you but you don't see me.] I'd put these parts she read in italics or something, make it easier to read but that's just me.
I think this would do really well if extended into a longer story, there were so many cool and interesting elements going on, they felt a bit cramped in this and there wasn't much room for elaboration on many of the ideas. Also, it was over too fast!
| Isis 47 chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
Interesting. Missing a few commas, making the sentences run-ons. A few of the paragraphs may be a little long, but interesting idea. A sequel would be cool, and which story did you want me to read?
Just like to know if you have a specific one in mind.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 4/30/2012
Good concept. You're missing a couple commas, and the paragraphs are a little big. But nice work.