Reviews for Enticement
The Autumn Queen chapter 6 . 7/14/2012
[Anyway!] - I'm guessing you meant "anywhere".

I like the dialogue in this because it comes far more naturally than the previous chapters. I didn't so much like the ending though, because once again I find it came up too fast without enough setting up. It feels like it was thrown in rather than flowing in.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 7/14/2012
Again, I don't really like the way you've started because there's no "punch" to it, no attractiveness. [I have encountered tough girls before. None of them like Lola Gracia.] - a "but" would help there.

I also don't like your choice of punctuation at times because it doesn't make much sense as a whole. ["Me!" I whispered.] - exclamation marks don't go with whispers for example. It simply doesn't work. [I think I found my true love!,] - that's more of a fanfic shortcut than the sort of punctuation you're /supposed/ to me using. The comma is unnecessary in any case.
The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 7/14/2012
[Yes, that is not a joke] - I don't really like this sentence because it speaks rather oddly in the narration. It's addressing the audience, and the audience's reaction should be (assuming of course they /have/ a reaction) Is that a joke? in which case the narrator should be answering in the negative, not the affirmative. Other than that, there's no emphasis in the statement "that is not a joke" - perhaps italicise "not".

I also don't like the sudden transition between the casual lecturing sort of conversation and Noiz suddenly "exclaiming/yelling" at Colin to get out. It doesn't really make any sense why she would find the need to be so vocal after sounding almost defeated in the statement before hand. Needs a little fleshing out.
The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 7/14/2012
I don't like the beginning of this chapter because it's too similar to the beginning of the previous chapter and thus not particularly attention grabbing after having already read almost the exact same beginning in tone and wording once before. It would be better if the connection was subtler.

I like the use of exclamation marks at the end because it nicely brings out the excitement of the narrator without stating it. It's a good case of show don't tell.
The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 7/14/2012
I like how you started this chapter because it immediately imparts a personal tone on the narrative, as well as a mix of exasperation, adoration and some other emotions that my brain is currently too dead to list. However, you've captured quite a bit with that opening.

I don't like how you throw in [How We Met] because it really disrupts the flow. It sounds more like a subtitle than anything, and as you've already got a title and did the prologue thing in the last chapter, it's out of place and unnecessary. In addition, there's no format to it: no fullstop, no bold or underline or italics to make it stand out, so it really causes a stumbling block while reading.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 7/14/2012
I don't like the use of impact words like "just" because you've overused them somewhat; it stilts the narration and somewhat departs from the effect I think you were going. For eg. the line [The women just love me. I don't know what it is, but it just happens.] - can be better written as "The women love me. I don't know why; it just happens." - using "just" twice somewhat nullifies its effect.

I also don't particularly like how you're transitioning between the formal and the informal tone because it doesn't give the narrative voice any structure. Because this is a student, I'd recommend being consistent with the informal, ie "the school's alright" and "I'll back up" and "I'm Irish" - that kind of thing. Being consistent is really important when defining a narrative voice.

[This'll be an interesting tell to see.] - tale maybe? I don't see it making sense otherwise.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)