|Reviews for Eternal|
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
I didn’t like the change of tense from the first verse to the second verse. You use “his lips” in line one, but then “your fingertips” in line two. It kind of jumps back and forth throughout, so you may find that it helps to pick one and maintain it throughout the piece.
As for the sonnet aspect I thought you did a really good job. It can be very hard to create a modern sonnet (your topic being love) and make it work effectively. You also did a good job with the rhyming and making sure that each line corresponded to the correct one i.e. a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d. The only one that I didn’t care for was ‘within’ and ‘forbidden’ they do rhyme so it’s not wrong, but the remaining lines, example “room” and “loom” were very evenly matched, whereas ‘within’ and ‘forbidden’ were kind of far off. Keep up the good work.
| MoroseEcstasy chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
Aside from a few little confusing aspects like the 'His' then 'Your' thing in the first two lines I found this enjoyable.
It seems to keep switching view points also.
I liked it though.
| Inkspilled chapter 1 . 3/3/2012
I don't know much about sonnets, so this is just my uneducated opinion. I think the flow would benefit from a consistent syllable count on each line, because some lines feel dragged out and puts me out of the rhythm. Plus, keeping the lines consistent will help keep the rhyme tight.
Also, at the beginning you say 'his' and then 'your', so I'm not sure who this sonnet is talking to or whether it's in first or second person. Thanks for the read. :)