|Reviews for Awaken Chronicles: Vol1 Welcome To Sun Flower Town|
| norekon chapter 3 . 3/20/2012
'You will shine brighter than any star! You will make a name for yourself out there!'
That's all I have to say. ;D
I see no mistakes here, as well! You're doing a great job! Keep it up! Though... 'Elsewhere' is considered as one word. :3
And you used honorifics right too! Yay
Shine brighter, MikeBud-san!
| norekon chapter 2 . 3/14/2012
Wait. Wait. Wait. What.
No, Jentoh! No! It's still too early!
... I see no problems with grammar here. At the second paragraph, is it really 'thou', or do you mean 'though'? And with your honorifics, they're supposed to be '-sama' and such.
No problems with the story too. And Jentoh's personality is fun. Especially that 'mocking' thing he did with Sasuke. I hope he's gunna be okay. :D
| norekon chapter 1 . 3/4/2012
(Pg.1) As the sun slowly rose behind the mountains, its rays carried across the nearby town, waking up to the new day. The birds singing, the people doing their same routine, parents preparing before work as their children do the same for school ...
(Pg.2) The town was a peaceful one, almost everyone knew each other (Avoid redundancies.). Friendly and loving, as if hate never came to them ...
(Pg.3) ... Those who are not so lucky to stand up to the challenge, live along the dirty streets, waiting for their chance to strike the weak, just so they themselves can go on living. The life in Sun Shine City was much different to that of Sun Flower Town.
(Pg.4) On the outskirts of Sun Flower Town (please don't abbreviate the town's name.) laid a few random buildings along an old dirt road. ... The sun rose higher, shining down through the window of a somewhat tattered, yet livable home. The rays peeking through the lightly torn curtains of a boy's room, glimmering right along his eyes, trying to wake him up. (Be careful with spelling, punctuation and capitalization.)
(Pg.5) The young dirty blond-haired boy forced to rub his fists against his eyes, trying his best to open them completely, "Uhh...Auuhhhh" ... His door laid cracked open, dirty clothes blocking the door's path. ...
(Pg.6) Blinking his eyes, the boy looks down with half-lidded eyes, his face totally unmotivated to waking up, "Ughhhh... Uh..?" ... "8:13?" The short haired male jumps up holding his clock, his eyes shaking ...
(Pg.7) He jumps out of his bed, quickly flailing his hands around, grabbed his shirt off the corner of his dresser and pulled some pants out of the floor. "Damn damn damn, we're laaate!" He continued to mutter under his breath, as he slid out of his room, flying against the wall. He hopped on one foot as he tried to pull his shoe on his right. "Grr.. I can't believe I actually slept through the alarm- Ahhh!" He was cut off as he tripped over and fell to the old wooden floorboards and muttered a 'Damn.'
(Pg.8) Moments pass, the boy's complaints rang down the hallways, reaching to another room. The door also cracked open, ...
(Pg.9) Moving closer, the boy's voice came beside the other person's door. The door blasts open, slamming against the wall with the boy yelling even louder, "HEY! JENTOH! GET YER ASS UP!" The short haired boy yelled as loud as he could, scaring the other boy awake in his bed.
(Pg.10) The long haired boy, Jentoh, stared back, loudly thinking something was coming to kill him. "Whaaa... Wha... What's wrong?" The brown long-haired boy looks around, ... (I love this part right here)
(Pg.11) The shorter haired boy throws a stray shirt from the floor, landing on the other boy's head. "Gah.." The messy haired boy had no time to react. ...
(Pg.12) Jentoh, pulling the shirt off his face, pouted back miserably with his teary eyes. "Buh... Cooome ooon Justin Let's just take the day off and kick back n' rela-". Jentoh was interrupted by Justin, as he threw more clothes at him. ...
(Pg.13) ... "Hmph.. What a grumpy li'l basta- " He stops, as he noticed Justin standing and hearing everything he said. "Errr... I mean... " Jentoh couldn't find a way to cover himself up, so starts to whistle innocently while Justin turns away. ...
(Pg.14) Slowly and lazily bringing his shirt down his face, Jentoh sighs as he brushed his hair back. "Eesh... I'm sure he wants to skip school at least once.. Bah.." ... "Meh.. Nothing ever changes here.." He sighs, walking out of his room.
(Pg.15) The door to the aged building slowly opened, Justin walked out, still yelling at Jentoh. "Get yer ass movin' Jen! We can't afford to be late- Eh?" Justin lost his attention to Jentoh as he notices their elderly neighbors waving to him, "Ahh... Morning Justin-san!" The elderly man softly yells out, a lazy like smile spreads across his wrinkly face.
(Pg.16) Justin blushes a bit, embarrassed how loud he was yelling while he was being watched. "Uh.. Hehe.. Good morning.." He bows his head politely to couple. ".. Shigeo-sama!" He completes his sentence raising his head to notice Shigeo's wife, covering her mouth giggling a bit. ...
(Pg.17) Justin blinked, as his cheeks turned to a darker shade. "Uh.. Hehe. I'm sorry... Nana-sam- Gaaaah!" He apologizes, as he tips his head downwards, only to be stopped by the elderly lady by throwing pebbles at the young boy's head. ... Shigeo stared back at his wife. He held a fake smile while scratching the back of his head, hoping she doesn't find a reason to throw one at him.
(Pg.18) Creeping out of the doorway, Jentoh stretches his arms, yawning. "Urrghhhh... Eeesshh... Now where'd Justin head off to... Eh?" Jentoh looks down, to see Justin lying on the old wooden porch, a bump throbbing on his head. ... Off from a distance, the elderly couple waved back to Jentoh with a smile. ... He says with a cheerful & childish wave, obviously missing manners.
(Pg.19) Shigeo frowns to the comment, clutching a rock in his hand. "Why that little..." Nana glares at him, aiming the water hose to her husband with a dark low mutter. "What's wrong? You ARE an old man!" ... "Ouahhh that's not fair.. You praise Jentoh for being rude but threw rocks at Justin for bowing?" ... The elderly man grumbles, scratching his soft white hair that only grew from the side of his head, showing a clear bald spot on the top. ...
(Pg.20) "Grr.. For an ol' girl.. She sure can pitch a damn rock..." Justin grumbles while gaining his balance. "...And has ears like a fox!" Justin jumped back, startled, never thought Nana could hear him. Jentoh just smiled back at him. Justin pulls Jentoh by his tie, running down the stairs of the porch. "Grrr... Shuddap! Let's get goin' already!"
(Pg.21) Jentoh tried to keep up with Justin, as they ran down the dirt path, heading towards the exit of their neighborhood. "Grr.. Damn Nana.." Justin mutters as he tried to ease the red bump on his head. Jen smiles back then blinks. "Oh Justin.. You know what, I just thought..." ...
(Pg.22) Minutes later, back at their neighborhood, the elderly couple still enjoyed their morning bonding. ... "Oh?" Shigeo looks clueless as Nana mutters pulling weeds from her sunflower patch. "...guess they finally noticed.." From the dust cloud, Justins voice echoes out in the neighborhood. "Gaaaah! I can't believe you forgot to shut the damn door, Jentoh!"
... There. I can say that the story is really funny. I liked it. But please be aware of the proper capitalization, punctuation and spelling. There are some parts that I left as-is (its '...'). Keep up the good work and do your best! :D