|Reviews for She always did what he said|
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I loved your alliterations and rhymes both subtle and clear. They created a nice lilt that makes me wish the rhythm was more consistent and regular; some parts felt a lot more free verse. What seemed like switching between that and stricter structure was awkward.
Also along these lines is that I didn't really like how the tone sort of oscillated between serious free verse and alliterative playfulness (not to say that all of the alliterations fall under that category).
Those last three lines were UGH so good. They could be a story just in itself; it certainly captures what the rest of the poem was communicating and has this great rhythm to it that, again, I wish was present in everything prior to it.
I can't say I'm a fan of "She always did what he said-" repetition. I think it would've been more effective if it occurred only once, twice at most. It draws too much attention to the structure and the title, and maybe you were going for that. I don't know.
The image of a girl rolling over and quietly submitting to some guy rung a chord in me; it makes the protagonist (OT: is that word used for poetry too?) relatable in a sad way, which was accented forlornly by the innocence of "daisy duvet double bed." It reminds me of a person I know. However, I still think it's too stark a contrast between that and most of the stuff in the second stanza.
Overall I'm rather ambivalent. You have all these things that can make a poem great, but it feels kind of like a collage instead of meshing together.
| Inkspilled chapter 1 . 3/27/2012
Don't think I've read your work before, so I decided to give you the WCC winners review.
Note: This is purely nitpicking, but the first lines
"She always did what you said;
like meet you for a drink on a school night even though"
the semi-colon isn't needed because 'like' connects both halves of the sentence; usually it'd be a comma there. The second part could be it's own sentence if 'like' was replaced with 'she'd'. That's just a note.
Flow: Good flow throughout. I especially like how the format doesn't have to be constrictive because the flow of the prose works well on its own.
Descriptions: You have really good use of descriptions here because they're unique to the subject. Things like the bed, the detail of the cups, all enhanced the poem.
Technical: I really liked the use of alliteration for "daisy decorated double bed"; it really helped create rhythm. I wasn't so sure on the rhyme of late and date, though. Felt overused, if not just accidental in throwing off my rhythm while reading.
Word Choice: In particular with the last stanza, great word choice. The sensory shift made the last few lines seem much more powerful.
Thanks for the read!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 3/4/2012
Okay, first thing I noticed while reading this and the first thing I wanna bring up was the alliteration you used throughout - I really thought it was masterfully done. I love alliteration, I don't know why, I think it just shows you have some skill in planning your words out to give it the effect you want instead of simply stating things - like you're putting a puzzle together instead of just drawing a picture (if that makes any sense o.O). Also, the rhyming was really cool, especially how you put them inside the lines instead at the end of each line so I didn't know when you expect them to pop up. I really don't know too much about poetry or read it very often, but I was always a fan of the whole rhyming thing. I think this also has a really nice tempo to it. Don't think I ever tripped up once while reading it, which is nice, because I'm not a huge fan of when people make their poetry jarring. I know it normally serves a purpose and everything, but I dunno. My brain just can't handle it sometimes.
And the imagery! You have some really great imagery in here, like when you describe the daisies on the bed. I also like how you address the different senses, like taste in the first stanza when you mention the sweet tea and the hot mug. Then you address touch in the third one, with how her face in pressed into the pillow and the rest of her body against the sheets, and the way she returned the guy's touch in the second stanza. The bed itself seems to take up a lot of the poem - which shows how important it is to everything.
You know, reading this a third time, the way you take the time to say the guy's touch is 'expert' and how the girl seems so, uh, anxious and naive, I'm wondering if the flowers on the bed are supposed to symbolize her virginity? And then the 'sticky stain' dripping onto the flower sheets is the stain of this guy that'll forever be on her skin? Very thought provoking stuff.
Though, sometimes I can't help feel bad for guys in situations like this. I see them portrayed as the villain so often...
Liked how this is told in second person. Makes everything more personal, especially from the position it's told in - like the narrator is accusing me of doing this to her friend or something. It's kinda impersonal (on the narrator's side, since it seems the narrator is observing this from afar) yet also personal at the same time (since you're directly addressing the reader).
I really can't think of anything to criticize - but I suck at poetry, so I really have no room to make suggestions. xD Good luck in the WCC!
| Kneecap chapter 1 . 3/3/2012
So first things first: D: man alive this was sad.
Constructively, though, I loved the way you incorporated internal rhyme into this, especially with "You were late for your date". Not entirely sure what about it appealed to me, truth be told, but it certainly lent little clutches of rhythm to the poem, in what was otherwise quite open and uncontrolled. Which is another thing I thought was excellently done, by the bye. Writing in free verse and not controlling the rhythm of this rigidly gave it a kind of...lost feel, I felt, which made the rape even more powerful. I don't know if it's what you'd class it as, but from what I read, it certainly read like rape, whether she complained or not. By the end of it, I actually felt a fair bit of anger towards the man in this poem, and being able to do that in the however many words long this was (200-odd?) is a fantastic achievement.
"and the daisies knocked one of the cups to its
side. The contents spilled out across the table leaving
a sticky sweet stain dripping on the sheets." - that was fantastic. the way you brought the bed to life, as if even it thought what was happening was wrong, and the way you obviated stating directly 'he came' gave the ending a feeling of distance that made me feel like the victim of this poem still couldn't quite believe it had happened and was still struggling to come to terms with it and D: fantastically done, even if it did upset me.
I really don't have anything critical to say about this, to be honest. aside from, perhaps, a few words should be hyphenated, like "Half-full" and "daisy decorated".
A very moving poem, and if it has any element of the autobiographical in it, I truly am very sorry.