|Reviews for 500 Words: The Adventure Of George Wysmith|
| iwillbealwaysadreamer chapter 1 . 4/1/2012
...Oh! I just got it! That's why people didn't notice him! Awesome. I like ghosts. Well. I s'pose I wouldn't like them if one came to "visit" me in the middle of the night, but...
At first, I was a bit dubious about the first line - you know, the whole say hello and introduce yourself thing. But I like how you go on to say "I do hope you enjoy it… I certainly didn't." That's pretty cool. When is this set, by the way? I did wonder if it's in the future.
I think the middle bit could be clearer. It is a little confusing as to what is going on, you know, in the next to last paragraph. Or maybe you'd call it the last paragraph, because the following paragraph is three sentences long. But anyway. I think you need to make it more clear what a "temp" is; I got it eventually, but for think-heads like me, I'd start with "temporaries" before you shorten it to "temps".
On rereading it, I just realised you slipped from past tense to present tense, at the end of the third paragraph. Your writing is good in either tense (I'm not just saying that), but I would recommend choosing one or the other. :) I know, it is easy to slip from tense to tense; I'm more comfortable writing in past, so I find it difficult to write in present. Everyone does it, I'm sure. It's just a matter of looking back and correcting it. :)
A few suggestions for the bit in the next to last paragraph from "Wait":
"Wait, where had he gone." - "Wait, where had he gone?"
"This slippery fool" - "The slippery fool"
"Snaky the burglar" - "Sneakily the burglar" (unless he's a burglar called Snaky, not a burglar who is sneaky, as I assumed).
In the second line, you say "'hero'". Did you put it in inverted commas because you couldn't think of another word to put instead, and didn't want to make your character sound full of himself? How about protaganist? It's just a fancy word for main character, but I certainly understand your choice of vocabulary considering you had to choose between "main character" and "hero". :)
And other than the afore mentioned things that could be improved (bearing in mind that I think they are the ONLY things that could really be improved), your story is excellent. I really like it; it's exciting, different, and makes you think. Well done. :D