|Reviews for Apart|
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 9/18/2013
Technique: So the first thing I noticed a couple paragraphs in is that there is a lot of summarizing and info-dumping in this chapter, to the point where I sort of zoned out about halfway through and didn't retain everything. It reads almost like a history textbook, to be honest. I think you should consider just starting with the story and bringing up all this history as things go along, because all the facts and names and dates - coming to the end of this chapter (and I read every word) I pretty much only remember the thing about the people in the bunkers, and I think I only remembered that because it sounded a lot like Fallout 3 (not that that's a bad thing, I just saw similarities between them, and there's nothing wrong with drawing inspiration from other places if Fallout was what gave you the idea for the bunkers).
Pacing: I think I touched on this a little already, the but the pacing was very slow going for me. The large paragraphs full of history and facts made it very difficult to get through this chapter, though the pacing did speed up a bit for me near the end when you started talking about time/space travel. It could be because I find that sort of stuff interesting, though.
Plot: I see a lot of ground work for your plot, and I'm glad you wrote this up and put so much detail into it. As for whether it has a place here inside the story, I'm not sure. This strikes me as sort of a plot outline, or maybe just a reference to your novel's history, something for you to refer to as you write the story - I've done those before, and they're always really helpful in case I forget something. So while I'm not really sure what the plot of the story itself is right now, I can see you laid out a lot of ground work for your world and setting.
Ending: Like I mentioned above in pacing, I think the ending is probably the most attention grabbing because it feels most relevant to your story. (I think so, anyway. From this point I don't really know because there's not much indication of what's going on in the present timeline of the novel itself.) I think this mention of space travel will pique the reader's interest if you decide to keep this chapter the way it is, though I really stand by what I said and suggest just jumping into the story and filling in the blanks as they come. That's how most sci-fi books and movies do it, because it's much more entertaining and immersive for the reader.
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 9/18/2013
Hi from the RG depth!
Spelling/Grammar: [Once the selection's for those who should inhabit the bunkers were made] There shouldn’t be an apostrophe.
["ruling class",] comma goes inside quotes
[promonant with this class] spelling
Setting: I’m a little skeptical that the chosen people would be utterly unaware of what’s going on, on the surface. You said that communication was lost 20 years after the seclusion, so wouldn’t they be curious about how and why communication was lost? Also, some of those people were delegates of the UN. With people so entrenched in international politics, wouldn’t they wanna stay in the loop of world news? More detail is needed, I think.
Writing: I know that for the first chapter of a scifi piece, there’s probably the need to put a good amount of exposition to set up the rest of the story. For me, however, the read felt a little overly technical and dry, especially when you got to the part about the specific section of the constitution. I wish that there was more of a balance between scenes and background information.
Plot: I think the concept is totally cool. I love your creativity with the rueclass and proles and what they look like and how they differ. The stuff happening on the surface sounds really intricate and complex in a good way too.
| Luna's Pen chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
This is a very interesting beginning! It'll be interesting to read the rest.
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 7 . 4/4/2012
As always well done! You brought in some drama and suspense haha. Your plot is wonderful so far :)
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 6 . 4/1/2012
short, but nice job as always! haha you left us with another cliffy...
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 5 . 3/15/2012
nice job. I like Raz. he is very interesting. things are starting to get even better. Let me know when you next update:)
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 4 . 3/12/2012
Love the quote on the top. Nice job. I like how you portray Catro's character. Your writing style is awesome. As always I'll be sure to read when you next update. :)
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 3 . 3/10/2012
wow, that was amzingly written! nice job, your characters are awesome and i cant wait to read whats in store. the plot is great
overall nice job! :)
| Attack-of-the-Blue-Penguins chapter 1 . 3/8/2012
wow this is really weel detailed.
it is very well written, i can't wait to see where it goes from here. nice plot so far
| Rachael M chapter 1 . 3/6/2012
This is a well written piece, the prose flows well and minus a few spelling mistakes is an excellent narrative.
It is relatively well paced, however the end did seem a little possibly however is because I see the potential for a much large, elaborate telling of the story.
This is definitely a scary and vivid imagining of a possible future, your imagery and detail are good, and your sense of emotion/atmosphere is put across well.