|Reviews for Spirit War|
| AcrylicHeart chapter 10 . 4/30/2013
Dun dun DUNNNNN! :)
I really do like where this is going. Clean it up and consider me hooked. ;)
Only other thing I can think to offer is, don't force yourself to write. It shows when it doesn't feel natural. You're good from what I see, and with a little more practice you could really expand. :D
| AcrylicHeart chapter 9 . 4/30/2013
I Like the use of dialogue, but again I think it was too short. Good way to end it, definitely. :)
| AcrylicHeart chapter 8 . 4/30/2013
This chapter was a bit too short for me to form an opinion on. I like the beetroots comment, lol. I think these next chapters should have also been one chapter, it would have flowed much better. Keep it up.
| AcrylicHeart chapter 7 . 4/30/2013
"A hundred years past..." (passed)
"...everyone on the human side of the boarder..." (border)
You left off with Winter telling the story in the last chapter only for it to be purely prose in this chapter, which has a lot of inconsistencies. She should either be telling it directly, or not.
| AcrylicHeart chapter 6 . 4/30/2013
Alas and however have essentially the same meaning the way you're using them, so using both is redundant.
"Lo" and behold, not low.
"Winter sighed, she... wanted too." (to)
Five years is a very long time to still have gotten used to humans. If she had been stuck her a human body that long she also would have been entirely used to that as well. Five years is almost a fox's whole life. Think of it from an animals point of view, not just a spirit's.
Italicizing the last section looks pretty, but makes no sense. I read it as a hurried whisper, not the beginning of an over told story."
To be entirely honest, the first 4 chapters could have easily been on chapter. They were very short and largely undetailed (which is fine for someone who hasn't perfected things and let's face it-who has?) and I genuinely think they should be rewritten and put into a solid chapter, this chapter being the beginning of the newest chapter. That's just my opinion. :)
Again, I like it, but as I've said, details details detilas! :)
| AcrylicHeart chapter 5 . 4/30/2013
Third paragraph :...she had escaped too." It seems that you're confusing the two words to and too. Keep grammar in mind and when you aren't sure, look it up on or , etc.
The ellipses at the end are very unnecessary and actually take away from the overall chapter. It makes it very childish in comparison. During this chapter you switched POV's a lot without breaking. This is something to keep check on. Switching without a break or other indication is both confusing and unprofessional looking.
Without the ellipses at the end it would have been a great place to leave off. Just keep professionalism in mind. Even if you aren't looking to publish, a lot of people frequent this site, and I don't care for a story that isn't well organized. I like this so far, so just touch it up here and there for me. :D
| AcrylicHeart chapter 4 . 4/30/2013
Second paragraph: Capitalizing the second hey is not necessary.
I absolutely love the ideal of Fox Spirits. I'm not sure if you pulled from the same legend, but in Japan it is believed that vixens are hidden spirits trying to learn the way of humans. There is a very sad tale about a vixen who falls in love with a human lord, a daimyo, and dies of heartbreak when the lord still chooses his wife over the vixen even with her Fox Magic. Very nicely done. :)
Third paragraph to the end, sometimes should probably be spaced out to convey the meaning a bit better and cleaner. Keep up the good work otherwise.
| AcrylicHeart chapter 3 . 4/30/2013
Sixth paragraph "...through the think layer of..." (thick)
Seventh paragraph, when you say their Nan goat, it makes it seem like a breed. However, when you refer to the goat later as Nan it makes it seem like a name. Which is it? Changing the order of words affects how people read it pretty strongly, so keep in mind that not everyone knows what you mean just because you do. (On that note, if it's a name it is an oddly suiting name for a goat and very cute.)
Haha, I had to look up what 'chooks' are. Nice use of language overall. I really love how varied your vocabulary is without seeming stretched or too flashy.
The last paragraph seemed a little redundant again. I think it really just needs to be streamlined and then it will be better. But that's just my humble opinion. ;) Again, I like where this is going. Keep an eye on punctuation, and fluff out the details a bit more and you got yourself a winner!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 2 . 4/30/2013
First paragraph: no space between words made and worse. "Still much to far..." (too)
Second to last paragraph "She'd be warned..." (been)
Last paragraph "She picked her ears..." It should either be 'picked up' or 'pricked.'
There's a little bit of punctuation errors or misplacement, and I've noticed you needlessly space out certain words. Typing there was no thing as opposed to nothing may seem a bit more proper, but it honestly makes it look questionable. Also, un-phased is a good word to hyphenate, but keep in mind that a lot of words (unhappy, unperturbed) don't need that hyphen.
The first paragraph seems a little bit redundant to me, maybe needs a little cleaning up, but after a few tweaks I think it will look great. I like the direction this is going so far. Hope my input helps! :)
| AcrylicHeart chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
Second paragraph, last line "...and her repaid her..."Third paragraph "...far to late."
Other than those, I see no grammatical or spelling errors. I personally think this is a bit short. Try expanding on it. Something simple, like explaining her surrounds, mentioning how cold the iron bars are against her fevered skin, a memory of her gazing into those eyes. Just play around with it and have fun! I think with a bit more practice and a bit more length this scould be an excellent piece! I like the way you've introduced it so far, to be explained at a later date. Keep it up and add as you go. :)
| BrandNew chapter 2 . 5/4/2012
Great job I love it!
| Mariabelle chapter 9 . 4/13/2012
Hi! I really like this chapter :) personally I think this chapter was better than your last cause it re-introduces a character (aka Irvine) and also it shows some of Winter's hobbies :) please update soon! :D
| Mariabelle chapter 8 . 4/4/2012
hi I think you did well in this chapter, it's just that you didn't really make the chapter meaningful. For instance you could have put this chapter with the next one to make it a bit longer and help provide plot for the story instead of just tiny little hints in this chapter you could have made moderate sized hints in a chapter with this chapter in the beginning and more of a story line then for example: if she encounters someone unexpected in the market. But anyway nice chapter. :D
| Mariabelle chapter 7 . 3/18/2012
Hi, good chapter you were able to tell about the relation between the spirits in your story and the humans but it felt just a little short to me. Also what do you mean by "closing the border line"?
| Mariabelle chapter 6 . 3/15/2012
Okay! Now you're starting to explain what spirits do but what happened to irvine? What happened immediately after the last chapter? O_O?