|Reviews for Coldskin|
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 12 . 8/11/2012
What's this? An update? It can't be!
Holy gosh. I'm just... *sniff* ...so inspired... *sniff* ...from you updating... *wipes away tear*
Okay. Composing myself. Lovin' it, as usual, though I'm pretty sure you got that from my last ten reviews or so that say that somewhere. Hehe.
Thanks for updating! (And also thanks for having me over, though I'm disappointed I forgot about the pudding. :) )
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 11 . 5/8/2012
Read and enjoyed (:
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 10 . 4/24/2012
Thanks for posting your other story (:
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 9 . 4/23/2012
Starlin... Hoo boy...
Liked the chapter. Again. Will you post the short story you won that award for? I'd like to read it. And also, did you submit to the Phillips Writing Contest?
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 4/23/2012
I don't really read and review anymore, but your title hooked me.
1) Spectacular cold opening. Always get the reader asking questions. Especially when you're not fiddling around with chapter titles and quotations and author's notes to warm them up for the story.
2) Prose is descriptive, but but not flowery. It's got some real punch to it.
3) "She ain't a danger to us anymore than a bunny with a common cold!" should be "any more than". anymore refers to a period of time. any more refers to a quantity.
4) Your vernacular is good. Not quite perfect (sometimes lines like "no more a danger to us than a bunny with a common cold" creep in and narm up an otherwise serious sentence,) but still believable. It is absolutely a lot better than most stories on this site (my stuff included.)
5) Beautiful world-building.
6) ""We've seen to much to trust a woman like you, Miss Rockwell."
She'd never seen a jail so empty."
There should be a scene division between these two lines, since it's such a transition.
Now, there's a good chance that you already had one in, but ficpress ate it. If that's the case, here's what you can do.
Use center-aligned numbers to break up your scenes. Don't use center-aligned hyphens to break up your scenes. Check all documents in the document editor before posting them, to make sure ficpress hasn't ruined the formatting or eaten anything important out of them.
Ficpress *has* a scene-divide button you can push if you're editing a document in the document manager, and you can replace all your scene divides with those, but sometimes ficpress will eat scene-divides made that way, too.
I, personally, recommend numbering the sections of any story posted on fictionpress. It cuts down on having to go back and edit when the site derps.
7) Great character interaction, and I can see it setting up some interesting dynamics down the road.
8) My only real complaint here is that the coldskin doesn't feel particularly alien. And maybe that was the point, but, other than superstition, she's not really giving the reader much reason to understand why the coldskins are hated.
9) All in all, this is a compelling yarn. Keep spinning it.
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 8 . 4/4/2012
The line breaks didn't show up... Because of that it was a little difficult to read and understand, but I still liked the chapter. Update soon :)
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 7 . 3/20/2012
Umm... Not sure what to say. This is my "struck speechless" review, k? :)
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 6 . 3/20/2012
Aww, it's okay. I just wish you would have been there to see OUR AWESOME, TOTALLY EPIC ...loss. We were behind early in the first half, then claimed the lead and kept it for the rest of the first, second, and third quarters... Then we gave it up in the fourth quarter. Lost by ten. It was rough. And then the eighth grade St. Raphael girls came and won THEIR game, which kind of made it worse. And now they're probably gonna win the school league too. Sigh...
Anyway, enough wallowing in self-pity. Great chapter. Really. Got interesting there at the end. Dun dun DUUNNNN!
Now I'm gonna fill up this review by more yadda-yadda about the game. St. Hilary has never lost the championships, EVER. This was our year! And we gave it away. I was kindaREALLY upset. But we didn't get crappy medals, we actually got trophies, which was good even though they were like half the size of the first-place trophies. It was really embarrassing in the beginning because we say a prayer before games now, and I know it by heart, so I had to say it in front of all the players and parents because they forgot the paper or whatever that it's written on.
Sigh. I'll stop rambling now. Well, after I note that if there's one thing losing the championships did for me, besides ruining my life for a day and a half, it helped me with story ideas. Mwahaha. Oh, and I got a cupcake from JK's mom. That was pretty sweet.
Enough with the useless information! Update soon!
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 5 . 3/16/2012
Hey! What did I say about not updating so fast! :P Well, I can't turn down another amazing chappie. Dialogue and descriptions were epic again and this story is just fantastic. No other way to say it.
Just wanted to point out that you overuse commas in some places. This is something I myself struggle with and am still learning, but wanted to mention. In the example below, if I'm correct, neither of the commas are necessary.
Kit seated herself beside him, and laid a fist on the bar. She'd changed from her bloodstained clothes, into a dark sweatshirt and faded army pants.
Not sure if that was intentional or not, but wanted to point it out. And apparently a "well-rounded review"—what I'm striving for :)—involves constructive criticism.
How stupid do I sound right now?
Aww, forget this "constructive criticism" stuff. Just keep writing awesome chapters. I'll be waiting to read more :)
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 4 . 3/15/2012
Once again, GEEZ! YOU UPDATE FAST!
Im running out of things to say in reviews! Gosh! Give me some time to think!
Anyway, I recommended your story to my friend and she read it an said it was AWESOME. She said she'd review it, but she hasn't gotten around to it yet. (if you get a few from an anonymous person, thats probably her).
Also, just checking again as to whether you can make it to the game. Excuse me for being impatient, but I'm really freaked/excited for that game. Course, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. We still gotta win in the semifinals, right?
Update soon! But not too soon! :P Just give me some time to figure out what to put in reviews...
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 3 . 3/15/2012
Hahaha. Marcia's got a good sense of humor. I like her :)
I guess I have nothing else to say besides FANTASTIC as always. Have I mentioned your dialogue and description is great? You also do a really good job of showing, not telling.
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 2 . 3/12/2012
You know how I said I'd put more effort into the next review? Yeeaahh... I, uh, meant the next-next one...
Geez. You update fast. Wow.
Okay, maybe I'll put some effort into this one. The chapter, as always, was amazing. Because I feel compelled to point out something other than how great it was, there were some typos in places. And the paragraphs weren't divided. That wasn't intentional, was it?
Yeah, enjoy my attempt at a well-rounded review :P Like I said, the chapter was awesome! You write dialogue really well :)
*awkwardly ends review here*
| Jabib chapter 1 . 3/12/2012
I like the idea of the whole future western thing it's got me interested so I can't wai to see what happens
| just.a.breeze.in.eternity chapter 1 . 3/12/2012
EPIC, as always. Interesting and unique. Umm... Awesome, amazing... Insert any adjective that shares that meaning :)
Sorry, I'd put more effort into a meaningful first review, but to be honest I'm exhausted. This softball thing is killing me, lol. I'll write a better one next time, I promise.
But seriously, this is great. I'm confused on the Coldskin thing, but I'm sure that's intentional and will be explained later. And it did not go unnoticed that this chapter was longer than any of your others on FanFiction. Yay :)
By the way, I worked on my story today, but it's going to take a lot of planning, editing and revising to get to a published state. Plus, I can't write basketball scenes to save my life :P
...What, basketball? What was that? No, that has nothing to do with my story. Pshh, why would you even think that? Heh, heh heh... *laughs nervously*