Reviews for Monday Night Murders
chew.kiahwee chapter 3 . 12/2/2014
The chapters do seem a bit rushed and you could have given a bit more details on how John reached his conclusions. Other than that, the plot is good and there just one question I will like to ask: Why does John keep adopting random people?
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 3 . 5/14/2014
I think my biggest suggestion would be to slow down the pacing, especially near the end of this chapter. Things happen so quickly at the end that I'm...not really sure what happened. Apparently Eric gets shot? She was even there? There are a lot of character introduced with so little exposition it's very difficult for me to keep things straight. Keep in mind your reader can't see what you see, so you need to be able to narrate every aspect of it - help me see what you want me to see. Right now your characters feel more like disembodied voices because the world around them is so sparse.

I do like this idea of opening the chapters with the murder because it makes me think of the X-Files or other such "monster a week" type of shows that have a cold opening that sets up the plot for the rest of the episode. So I think it's a great way to set up the plot and the murder, and it gives the reader a few clues to work with in trying to figure out what happened.
Revamp chapter 3 . 5/13/2014
I'm glad you came back with this, actually. You have a nice little arc here and I enjoyed reading things about John and getting to know he and Layla's characters throughout this first part of the arc. I hope that you continue to write this and experiment with that new style of yours.
Revamp chapter 2 . 4/30/2013
This chapter seemed a little rushed towards the end but not bad. I would like more background on some of these lovely characters to provide deeper characterization. I love your murder mysteries very nice detective story so far.
Revamp chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
I love murder mysteries si your ability to tell them accurately from start to finish amazing. I see that you're using familiar characters as well.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 10/9/2012
I like that you're able to tell a concise tale beginning to end in a single chapter. You have a clear opening, build-up of plot, and conclusion all worked into a very small package, something I struggle with accomplishing myself, so it's impressive and a very quick read.

I do feel that despite getting where you were going, the pace was very rushed and the plot a little thin to boot. Because there was little time to build up the characters or weave in more detail, the dialogue fell flat and it felt stiff around the edges to me.

- Moonstar
Isis 47 chapter 1 . 5/27/2012
I definitely like the story plot . . . The only thing I have a problem with is punctuation. Like, right before you have a person say something, you're supposed to have a comma.

ex.: he said, "Then why did you accuse her of doing it?"

And, I hope this helps, when you're having a conversation between two people, you don't use their names. You leave one name before the fist sentence, and then let them talk.

Between three people: you leave one name first, make it clear who they're addressing the sentence to, and use the same idea with two people. Give the name of the third person only when they speak, like: Mrs. Rewaine interrupted, "yadayadayada."

I'm sorry, but I have issues with grammar and punctuation. By the way, Pinocchio's coming up very soon. It's just a matter of days, and will possibly be up by tonight. If not, then sometime between tomorrow and Wednesday.
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 5/12/2012
Interesting twist. Might be more effective if you added more characterization, so that readers could become more involved with the conflict. There's a couple places that need commas, like where you introduce a quotation: "Ronald said 'I am sorry..' " should be: "Ronald said, 'I am sorry...' ". This'll help organize the sentences and such. Makes it easier to read. Good plot, nice job. I'll read more later.

Marla's Found chapter 1 . 3/15/2012
Mrs. Rewaine said " Oh no, no I had just finished a fight with him and he stormed out of the house fuming mad and I should have went after him but I didn't kill him."

John Clark said "I know you didn't kill him but does anyone else live with you?" ****Hold the phone, how does Mr. Clark deduce the wife was not the killer and do it so quickly?

John Clark said "Mrs. Rewaine and Mr. Ronithe you are under arrest for the murder of Mr. Rewaine and anything you say can be sued against you in the court of law." The two were convicted of murder and Caitlyn was released. ****well that summed it up very fast! Maybe a little more detail how John Clark came to his conclusions but overall it was a nice read.