|Reviews for Case of the Masked Phantom|
| Daniel Affaro chapter 8 . 5/20/2012
This chapter has just cemented my love for Crow. It was really interesting and the ideas were great. Once again rape finds its way in and the baby was just effed up. However, I did notice a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes in this one. I'd advice proof reading before uploading in the future.
| Daniel Affaro chapter 5 . 5/19/2012
This chapter was really jumbled. I can tell from the way that it's written that it wasn't planned. It's like you had all these amazing ideas in your head that you just HAD to do and kinda splurged it all out in one go. The story is really interesting and I wanna see what the deal with Raven is (though Crow is my favourite so far). Good luck with it dude
| Will chapter 2 . 5/9/2012
I like this a lot :) There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes sometimes but I think that can probably be explained by you being so excited writing it that you're typing excessively fast hahaha. I really like the sense of futility that seems to follow John around. It's like no matter what he does, he can't escape whats coming after him. I also like his connection with the cat. It's almost like an island of sanity that keeps him grounded.
| seredemia chapter 4 . 4/10/2012
[He entered into the mansion. It was beautiful inside. He liked the place. Reminded him of somewhere he'd been before, but he wasn't sure where.]
- I think in here, you should describe what the mansion looks like so that we can see why it's beautiful.
I have a feeling that this mansion is probably infested with monsters and freaky people again... O_O
I also think what the phantoms do are more scarier. They don't kill you. They scare you so much that you want to my opinion, that's way worse :(
Great job with the thoughts in this chapter btw! I like how how he's asking a lot of questions in his head; anyone would be doing that if they were in his position too.
GAH. The female looks scary as hell! It's freak that she giggles like a kid too. Argh.
And now she's groping him.
SUIDHJSFJSF. OKAY. I LITERALLY READ ALL THAT WITH A GRIMACE ON MY FACE. AARGH. TALK ABOUT TORTURE. THE PHANTOMS ARE COMPLETE BITCHES LOL. LEAVE JOHN ALONE. SERIOUSLY.
| seredemia chapter 3 . 4/10/2012
I felt sorry for John in this chapter, especially when he was thinking back to his childhood. Very nice job on his thought process there. It definitely made me sympathise with him more because of the situation he's in. It's also realistic because usually, when people are scared or sad, they think about better times like their childhood because that's the only time when you are safe (or you should be safe).
Dove is freaky. Gosh. So many bad things and scary things are happening to him. And I wonder why she looks like the girl he used to like? And who in the world is Raven? GAH. Everyone wants Raven! I have a feeling that Raven is some really awful ghost... I think. I don't know.
Wow. I wonder what John did to Megan/Dove. She seems really REALLY pissed off. That scene where John started crying was very sad. I feel really sorry for him because he doesn't even know what the hell is happening to him.
And gah. What does the raven want with him? The scene where everything was covered in blood in the house was very well written. Definitely freaky and quite horrific indeed. PRAISE BE TO THE PHANTOMS. Aargh, I really get freaked out when religion is added to horror stories. That's the thing that usually gets me scared xD
Anyway, the only thing I think that could be improved is that perhaps, you can add more emotion into the story. Especially when John was talking to Dove and they were attacking him. It looks like a really scary scene, but because of the lack of feelings mentioned on John's part, I felt that he looked a bit too calm. However, that's it really! I love all the gore and horror aspects of this story so far :D
(I'll review more in a couple of hours, I have to go out for a bit :3)
| seredemia chapter 2 . 4/9/2012
Okay, now that my internet is working again, I'm going to review now
I like how John was holding a meat cleaver when the door knocked. That definitely shows that he's paranoid now and that he's been through a lot. I wonder what it is that he actually went through because he looks terrified. :( I guess I'll find out later anyway _ (in case you didn't notice, i review as i read so yeah)
Wow. Great job on the man practically shitting himself when John asked about the Raven. You did a tremendously good job on the speech of the man, and the way he was stuttering and screaming. It's almost like I can nearly hear him in my head - and no I'm not over exaggerating ;3
"Julie Kintobor. Female, died at the age of 22."
- I have a feeling that's the name of the girl that he spoke to in the prologue? IDK. Just a wild guess...
WOAH. WHAT THE SHIT. THE PHANTOM DUDE IS TRYING TO BURY HIM ALIVE. WHAT DOES THIS PHANTOM WANT. WHY CAN'T THEY ALL BE FRIENDS D;
I don't think the phantom's his brother. I think the phantom is just using that as an illusion because the phantom is mean like that D; And aah, so his brother died because he got shot by a bullet? Oh NOES D;
Wow. So, he woke up... But then there's this creepy message on his computer. Wow. Talk about creepy. That's awful :(
This is wonderful so far! I love horror stories! :D
Anyway, I'll try and review your other two chapters later. I'm just gonna go off for a bit to write my story. But I SHALL BE BAACK. :)
| seredemia chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
Oh oh oh! Is this story written by John? Like he's writing it right now? I LOVE THE IDEA.
I definitely (I use the word definitely way too much) like this idea of him writing the story. Somehow, you can tell his emotions more clearly because it's coming straight from him. This is a great idea!
Again, I'll suggest the same thing that I did on the other story. Put the dialogue on different lines. It gets quite difficult to read because I lose my place :(
AAH. THE WOMAN WAS DEAD ALL ALONG. GASP. DID NOT EXPECT THAT.
Woah. What is happening here. There are some people with no faces trying to kill him. If I was him, I would have just fainted on the spot because that is some freaky shit. It's lucky that he knows taekwando though! It's good to see that a character can look after themselves :3
Wow. I didn't expect John to have been a criminal. This story certainly has a lot of surprises so far! I'm intrigued as to what the Phantom is going to do next. I do like the gorey details (hehe), and I can't wait to read more
| AquariusGirl230191 chapter 1 . 4/2/2012
Firstly, you have a good opening to your story but there are a few things you could change to make it even better.
Number one - you change tense from third to first - starting with "him " and "he" then go to "i" Stick to one tense or it becomes confusing for a reader :)
Also, lots of repeated words - ie. "he" or "commented"
If you switch it up a bit, it sounds better. Like instead of she commented, he commented, you could have "she remarked" then "he retorted" etc.
Anyway, other than that, good opening, well done.
| witch22 chapter 1 . 3/30/2012
Interesting plot so far. I like how you put the writer's emotion in the story, rather unusual but making it different from others.
Haha...a girl with traits from all over the world, now that is a rare one.
congrats! you have managed to spook me successfully. Now I happens to have goosebumps.