Reviews for The Demon Slayers
Alice Rosezella chapter 5 . 4/19/2012
GGGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH IM FREAKING OUT ISABELLE ok deep breaths deep breaths sooooo now that she's dead what's going to happen next? :D
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 5 . 4/18/2012
"one of my reviewers"

Mm. That's me, isn't it. Too much?

Well. Then, it appears I have nothing to contribute. I'm not sure why I should review if I can't actually critique it.

-REB
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 4 . 4/12/2012
Poor Zack.

I just got done praising you for not overdoing the romance. Gah. Careful, back off a little. Sentences like "it made my stomach feel queasy, which was really odd" make it a little too obvious. Most people aren't so oblivious to their own emotions that they go "that's funny..." when they experience feelings for somebody of the opposite sex.

The dynamic of this story is interesting, though. Will read more. Assuming you write it.

-REB
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 3 . 4/12/2012
Good chemistry between Zack and Alex. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for not making it over-the-top. I want more development of backstory. You don't have too many extra words or modifying phrases, so cheers.

-REB
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 2 . 4/12/2012
Not bad. Exposition's still shaky, and you repeat yourself a couple times. Don't overexplain, the audience can keep up, I promise. Try reading stuff out loud before you post- it helps you to see the flow of the story.

Characterization of Alex is good. I usually hate female characters. This works.

-REB
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
Fuck. I just accidentally erased my review.

BLEEEEEP-BLEEEEP-BLEEP

*goes to eat pizza and calm down*

*returns, still mad and cussing, but with pizza*

Looks like I'll have to rewrite it. Hell. It was a long one too.

Fuckity fuckity.

Excuse me if I get blunt, no time to beat around the bush.

Summary: it's in chatspeak. Why? You're gonna lead with chatspeak? In case you haven't noticed, most of these people review in proper grammar. Your story is correctly-written, why not the summary?

1st scene: way to lead with action. Fight scene's a little rough, but it takes practice. You'll get it, no worries.

Infodump: no. Don't put that there, what are you thinkin'? You've got a nice build up, good tension, and BONK! it flatlines. You stop everything to tell the readers how hawt the characters are. Dya see? And the fact of the matter is, most of the stuff we don't even need to know. Eye color? Hair color? Detailed bio? Most people who read this skipped those paragraphs, I guarantee. Those who didn't will never remember what's actually in them. Why? Character empathy. Well, the lack of. Nobody cares about your characters yet (it's too early in the story) so nobody cares what they look like. Establish personality before looks. This is a common mistake. Don't worry, just fix it.

breaking the fourth wall: this is hard to pull off. Very hard. You read Maximum Ride, don't you? Or Witch and Wizard, or something by JP, or maybe something by a JP wannabe. JP can do it coz he's rich and famous and nobody cares if he pulls something cheesy. His stuff isn't even written by him (he writes the outlines and pays people to do the dirty work, that's why it's "cowritten", but it's really more ghostwritten). I don't know that it works the way you have it. Mainly because you've only broken the fourth wall to infodump, and not anywhere before, so it doesn't feel like an authentic plot device, more of a gimmick. Keep the tone/voice consistent to maintain consistency (and transparency). Wow, that was a redundant sentence.

*goes to poop out pizza*

*returns*

I lost my spot. Um...

More infodumping. Quit it. That's the laziest characterization I've ever read (kidding, I've read much MUCH worse).

This could be really funny, but it comes out as sorta self-concious? Confidence, dearie. Write with confidence and 85% of writing problems go away. It's magic.

HOLY SHIT, THE MAIN CHARACTER'S A GIRL? I suck. I skipped the infodump paragraph too, see, I bet there were a bunch of other people with the same problem.

Hope you get something out of all that rambling stuff. In conclusion, it's got a ton of potential but you have it way overworked. Don't smother! Just write. And NEVER worry that somebody won't understand, it's easier to add in a few details to fix underexplanation than it is to fix overexplanation. Overexplanation usually takes a whole rewrite.

-REB

Will read more later, but I've got stuff to do now. PM me so I won't forget? Thanks.
Alice Rosezella chapter 4 . 4/8/2012
YEAH I GOT A SHOUT OUT! xD I love how Zack and Alex can tell when the other is lying! :)

P.S. To anyone who reads this you need to go and read The Wolf Death or I'll send all of my characters and "borrow" Alex and Zack to kill you! Ok maybe not but you never know stranger things have happened... :D
Alice Rosezella chapter 3 . 4/5/2012
I loved the part where he was like 'usually girls are glad to see me I'm that good looking' that was halairious Im excited to find out if they're demon slayers! :)
Alice Rosezella chapter 2 . 3/17/2012
This story proves girls can kick just as much butt as guys can! :)
Writing In Ink Forever chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
Hmm. This was interesting. Good plot. Great grammar. Alex and Zack seem like interesting characters. Overall, I say I like the beginning a ok.

I'm excited for more and can't wait to read! Louis has caught my attention. :)

-Elf