|Reviews for In the Street|
| Glissoning Raven chapter 3 . 3/30/2012
Each chapter I am seeing improvement in your writing. There were, areas where I saw room for improvement.
1. You might want to work on the fight scene a little bit. It seemed a bit too easy. Yes, she came out of it injured, but I think you had her successfully take down too many guys. I think you should maybe put her up against a maximum of three guys to make it more realistic because she is just a child. I know they are probably children too, but she probably doesn't have much formal training, so taking out a whole gang of guys seems a bit far fetched.
2. I think you should also try and give a little more detail on the fight scene. You were doing okay until you got to one particular part; "I blocked it and we began to fight. He would punch or kick, I would block. I would punch or kick, he would block." I am sorry, but that is very dull and boring, not thrilling and action-packed. Where did he punch? How did she block? How many times did he successfully hit her? How many times did she successfully hit him? Detail detail detail detail. Readers want every gory little detail.
3. One question; if they are a poor street gang, then where did the $15 in her pocket magically appear from? 0.o They are poor. First of all, I don't think she would have that kind of money just laying around. Second of all, from what I have seen of her character so far, they have very little and she is a very selfless person, so it would be unlikely that she would spend all that money on herself.
Now, on to the good stuff!
1. Great description of the park at the beginning. You can almost see the leafy trees (though you might want say what color they are, even though everyone can just assume they're green), feel the cool breeze, and see that weathered wooden bench. Giving her a sentimental attachment, no matter how small to that park and particularly that bench was a nice touch. Of course, there is always room for growth, but that will come with time and experience.
2. I really like the internal dialog at the end, especially the warring emotions and self doubt. It really adds insight into her character. Well done!
3. Another thing I liked was you had her not want to tell the others about what happened because she doesn't want them to worry. This also gives us much deeper insight into her character.
Overall, very well done. I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work!
| Glissoning Raven chapter 2 . 3/24/2012
Much better and a lot less choppy. Bravo! I feel that you could still slow down a little bit, but it's MUCH better. You can work on slowing down your writing gradually. It's not something that has to happen overnight and don't worry, I had some of the very same problems when I first started out (actually some of rough drafts are still a little choppy too P). Anyway, keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more!
| lightningandstorms chapter 2 . 3/22/2012
That was another great chapter! Well done!
| Glissoning Raven chapter 1 . 3/20/2012
Interesting concept. Good start, though it seemed a little rushed and choppy. You need to slow down and add more detail. You seem to randomly jump from one thing to the next and leave holes in between which makes it a little confusing. Don't get me wrong, I like the story so far and the characters. This is good for a first chapter. I just think with a little work it could go from 'good' to 'great'. I can't wait to read more!
| lightningandstorms chapter 1 . 3/20/2012
That was a really great start! Hope oyu continue! Just a bit of punctuation that needs to be added, but apart from that, great!