|Reviews for The World in Play: Chapter 3: Arrivals|
| Thea Uthor chapter 1 . 1/28
Fixed, and thank you.
The first time we see the Singletons, the ones with no hair are wearing 'toga like garments in stripes of red and green'. During the planning session around the table, the priests are wearing the 'red and green togas'. I failed to make a blunt statement that the priests were hairless. I may change that.
This story has too much detail, but the action flow is so smooth, I left it cluttered. It's been a problem for years. I think expansion to 30K words might help.
| Arethusa Cyberia chapter 1 . 1/27
An Inn that changes location. Interesting.
"... and was uncircumcised." Oh my. :) Martin can see quite a bit of Ethan through that sheer linen kilt. LOL
I think it's funny that Hilarion (laptop), Ranon (priest), and Maks (librarian) were all wearing the exact same thing.
Problem, however, is that I think you need to spend a bit more time clearly describing them, because even I don't know which one is which by only the description of their hair, and I am an unusually attentive reader. Your reader should instantly know which one is which by a brief physical description, but since you've only identified them by either a position or an object, the only one I can guess with any confidence is Hilarion with the long, blond queue, simply because he is carrying a laptop. I assume, though, but not confidently at all, that the one with the crew cut is Maks, and the one with no hair is Ranon.
If I am correct, I still think you need to describe them in a bit more detail for those readers who aren't paying attention to every single minute detail. Your characters should easily stand out; don't make the reader work so hard to figure out who is who. The same can be applied to all your other characters as well. The only one who is described in detail is Ann, and I know more about what she is wearing than what is the color of her eyes and hair. Spend more time on the details of your characters, and less time on the excessive details of where they are and what they are wearing. (Not that your setting descriptions are terrible, just that you don't want your setting to stand out more than your characters, and right now, it does.)
Your story is fueled by your characters, not your setting. Spend more time on character development to bring your characters to flesh and blood life for your readers. You definitely need to do this because you have so many of them running around in such a short period of time. Most readers can focus on a maximum of five main characters, but those characters do need to be well-drawn for the reader to distinguish between them, unlike in a movie where the actors are visually before the eyes of the audience.
As far as spelling and grammar are concerned, I sent them to your PM.
| FromTheAuthor chapter 1 . 1/8/2013
Thank you for the input.
The first three chapters of the story arc are complex and written over several years in several versions. I'm still not completely satisfied with how I've handled the necessary back story, but I'm working on it. -LynnKH.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 1/6/2013
The scene-setting description is good here. I generally had a good sense of the setting/location/landscape, for example the Inn.
The dialogue is also pretty good most of the time-it seems to flow naturally. However sometimes I wasn't sure who was speaking, so that might need some clarification.
As with earlier chapters, I enjoyed the detailed nature of the world you present. It was nice to find out some more about Ann, too- I hadn't come across her full real name before. Once Ann started investigating things, I was really drawn into this chapter. The shape shifting vampire is unique and interesting, too.