Reviews for Sparks of the Mystical Flame
Sombrette chapter 3 . 2/6/2013
Hey it's AeonNoctis,(changed my penname) sorry for getting to this so late, I completely forgot.

Okay. Well first, I didn't have a problem with this chapter as a whole with the beginning, and middle, end. The party was probably more interesting than the rest though. I kinda of see the little hints that show who's going to be part of the split souls peeking through. Jericho being one of them will probably make things interesting since he's a terd ;p

Something I'm seeing a trend of is you tend to have to give reason for each action/spoken word. While that's okay, it's also a bit overdone. Like when he was listening to TJ was talking here:

[ Me being the lead is only natural, since my family descends from the BADASS that is the Persians, of course." Nobody got really why he was so proud of it or anything, but nobody decided to say anything about the comment anyways.] - The description after words is unnecessary, it seems to be worded strangely as well.

[Syanne giggled a little and replied,"Très bon. Magnifique!" She seemed less like she was happy, and more like she was just trying to show off her french. Like as if she thought she was better than people or something. This annoyed Max a bit but he tried to just match it by showing that he reconized the language she was speaking.] - These descriptions are almost immature in thought, it would be something I'd expect a young teenager to say or think, and these guys are more mature than that.

Which brings me to the say that I thought a lot of their actions and dialogue were sorta immature for their age at times I have to keep reminding myself that they are in college, not high school. Like when Syanne was passing notes around in class and stuff.

Most of the issues in this chapter was the spelling mistakes, it can be distracting at times.

[but behind TJ the whole time {sense} he got there, was Syanne, standing there listening] - 'Since'

[Rally was apparently having a good time as well, but she seemed {to've} avoided being near Max up until now] - That's the first time I've seen that word before. It looks like you are trying to make a contraction out of 'to have' but that's not a real contraction. That could be used in dialogue though if it was someone's speech pattern, not it shouldn't be in the narration unless it was first person.

[The young girl was roughly their age but was {philipino}] - It's Filipino, the 'Ph' only applies to the islands the 'Philipines' And I also found it odd that he knew right away she was of Filipino decent without her telling him but couldn't tell if Carlos what sort of Hispanic he was. That was a small inconsistency in the narration.

[The person was an old friend of his, Max could {reoncize} him right away.}] - 'Recognize'

And a few times there were places where it would say anybodies and nobodies those should keep the 'Y' and just add an 's to it. So anybody's or nobody's.

The only other small problem was in the very beginning, a sentence it was actually done in first person which was a little confusing. [The set up of the room reminded me strangely of my former drama rooms,]

So something to take a look at when you edit ;)
ArmachiA chapter 5 . 2/3/2013
Grammar and things:

•“What's more..every time they managed to finally suceed in killing Alexander...he did the biggest taboo of all:” The Ellipsis aren’t needed as they provide a strange pause in the sentence. Try using just comma’s. Also, *Succeed
•Prologue: Ellipsis have three dots, not two :)
• “Admar walked in.” Admar walked in where? I, as the reader, have no idea where “in” is as it was never explained in any of the previous paragraphs.
•“We've found a spell that will force his life force to split into five apon death” It’s Upon not Apon :)
•There’s a lot of spelling errors in the book, I’d suggest going through it again and fixing them or getting someone to point them out to you. I would do it but that would make this review very long haha.
•Chapter One: “Leon walked with him outside. "You alright man?" Max sighed,"Losing sucks. A lot. Guess I'm just really bummed that I lost." Leon replied,"Don't sweat it man, your still new and he's the team captain, what else did you expect to happen?" Max shrugged,"I just thought that after that many matches I could at least win one time...one time would be enough to make me happy this time. But I lost every. Single. Time." Leon sighed,"I've been having a bad day too. It's been hard dealing with the fact my girlfriend is back home while I'm here, and I also had some punk trying to start shit earlier this morning before you arrived. But I'm not going to let it ruin my whole day." Max sighed,"You're right. I'll just have to get it off my mind." Leon nodded,"So what's your next class?" Max checked,"Theater apparently." Leon replied,"Mines Biology. See ya around man. Just don't let the day get to ya." Max nodded,"Same to you dude. See ya."” Separate this out, it’s just one giant paragraph and each line of dialogue gets its own line. It was probably FictionPress’s fault (It does it to me too) but I thought you should know.
•There needs to be a line separator right before “For Maxwell Schneider.” Go to edit your document and if you look where the Left aligned, center aligned icons are, right next to them is a single line, click that to make a separator. :D
•Chapter two: “The set up of the room reminded me strangely of my former drama rooms, from high school, with the entry door at the top of the room with three steps followed.” You slipped into first person here. Be careful of that.
•Chapter two:“Max was pretty well off after his book sold so well, but you'd be surprised how quickly that money disappears with living expenses. Especially when you pay rent to live with your parents and you are jobless.” You slipped into Second person here and it’s generally frowned upon in novels to address the audience directly (Unless your entire book was like that, of course) use “But people would be surprised how quickly that money disappears…Especially when he had to pay rent to live with his parents and was jobless.” Watch your narrative, if it’s third person narrative, make sure to stick to it.

Positives
•Shakira comes across as braggy. I assume she’s supposed to, but man is she a braggart XD. She reminds me so much of someone I know omg.
•My favorite character so far is Colleen. I like that she’s a little mysterious and her story was immediately known.
•I liked the phoenix and the dragon reference from Chinese culture, very sly.

Critiques:
•You have a lot of ellipsis all over the story, a lot of the time they feel unnecessary and provide breaks in sentences that don’t need them.
•The dialogue tends to sound clunky sometimes, like they’re giving information they don’t need to. It doesn’t sound very natural at times.
•Chapter one: How did Knoll and Max know they were Knoll and Max if they’d only talked on the internet? Knoll comes in and Max automatically knows it’s him, without him saying his name or anything.
•If Rally has a few singles chart high on the billboard charts, wouldn’t Shakira know who she is?
•When using different languages, it’s probably best to translate what the character is saying if it’s not readily apparent. I understand Japanese, but I’m sure other readers do not XD
•I feel like the plot takes a long time to take off, the first three chapters are mostly about going to regular class and doing regular things. I think a lot of this could be cut out in favor of moving the plot along faster.

You're book is really long, so I stopped at Chapter four, if you want me to review more let me know
ZoeTheHorcrux chapter 1 . 2/2/2013
Hi there! So, forewarning, I always feel bad about posting constructive criticism because I know a story is basically like the writer's baby, so... yeah.
I just have a few things maybe you could fix:
1. General rule: when you affect something, it produces an effect. Affect is a verb, effect is not. You used effect as a verb here: "from small things like gambling and using magic to effects odd." You also seemed to have changed tenses on effect. So, that's just a small general rule of life :)
2. You used intrigued in "Allanon was intreguied," but it's a lot simpler of a spelling than you seem to have thought it is.
3. Also, the line below that, there's a spacing issue, but I doubt that's your fault because posting things online always manages to screw stuff up.
All in all, your story is really interesting to me, and I look forward to reading the rest of what you've posted. Just keep an eye out for the grammar stuff; It helps to read it out loud before you post it-it forces you to catch things you might've otherwise missed. I'm going to go on ahead and read the rest of you story, though :)
Thinwrist chapter 1 . 1/31/2013
I like how this is going. This is becoming interesting; continue, I wouldn't mind reading more!
Sombrette chapter 2 . 1/31/2013
Alrighty. There was a lot of character introductions here, really the only one that I found I liked was Leon, maybe even Connor too lol Jericho seemed like a jerk, you know the typical cocky jerk and I don't really care for those and it seems like none of the other characters do either ;)

The formatting was better this chapter, but I'd check out how to format dialogue when dealing with action and speaker tags. Some of those commas should have been periods but there's too many to point out. It's nothing distracting though, but still if you want this to be spiffy and clean you should do a quick search on how to format dialogue, or you can PM me and I'll try and help :)

In terms of errors:

[He continued with his stuff and headed up the {stares} until he reached the fourth floor. He saw his room] - It should be stairs. 'Stares' is like,'he was on the receiving end of many angry 'stares'.

[Long curely brown hair. She was really {pail} and had blue eyes.] - Should be 'pale' since 'pail' is another word for bucket ;p This was used for all the female characters introduced not just Syanne so you should check over those too.

[Leon smiled,"{Whose} joking?] Should be 'who's' since 'whose' is a possessive like Whose is this jacket?

For the chapter, I liked the scene with Max fighting Jericho, I thought the description there was nice and I also was very intrigued by it, I don't know anything about fencing but I sill felt like I could imagine what was going on.

However, since there are quite a few people being introduced, I wouldn't spend the time to actual go in depth on each of their physical traits, because as it is now, I completely forgot how each of them looks. This is actually done commonly, the need to explain what each person looks like right away. Problem is, there is too many at once. If I were you I'd slowly reveal them over the chapters. And I wouldn't set aside whole paragraphs just to describe them either. Blend it into the narration, like Leon pushed his dark hair away from his pale something like that.

Another thing, I found the description of way each female character to be really strange. Every one of them had their 'breast, waist, butt' described as if that was all there was to them. Those traits aren't really relevant to the story lol I as a female was sort of taken back by that. Because that was a total guy's perspective. Now, if this was written in first person, and we were seeing it solely through a male's eyes, then it would be different. This story's audience is not going to be solely male, know what I mean? Their physical traits shouldn't define them because obviously there's more to them than that. I would go on more, but this is long enough as it is ;p I just think this has a lot of potential, so I get nit picky with stories like this.

Alright, sorry for the long review. But I hope it was helpful :)
Sombrette chapter 1 . 1/29/2013
Hey, from Labyrinth :)

Alright so, for a concept I like it. Reincarnation always interested me and I think it's really interesting that one soul is going to be split into five bodies. The idea that magic is also drawn into it is also got me interested, with the wizard council and all that. I honestly liked the first half of this chapter than the second. It also seems like it's written better for some reason.

I have some things to critique.

I would watch out with word repetition. There are a few places where a certain word repeats too many times within the same paragraph, it's not something you want.
Here's one example:
[This is our last wishes..and we even urge you to train them as you wish..."] - Wish is used twice in the same sentence, I think the second one can easily be reworded to something like 'to train them as you see fit.'

Another thing, and this was more prominent in the second half of the chapter with Max. When you write dialogue, each time there is a new speaker, you make a new paragraph. Otherwise it's confusing to the reader on who is speaking.

This is how you have it now [ He handed him a piece of mail. "This came in. What is it?" Max shrugged,"I dunno. I'm expecting a video game fightpad soon but that doesn't look like what this is, unless its really flat and paper shaped." he chuckled. He opened the letter and read it]

This is how it should be [ He handed him a piece of mail. "This came in. What is it?"

Max shrugged,"I dunno. I'm expecting a video game fightpad soon but that doesn't look like what this is, unless its really flat and paper shaped." he chuckled. He opened the letter and read it]

[Knoll was the first to speak,"How'd you get in?"

Max replied,"Oh yeah good question, it probably does list a reason somewhere on here." Max looked through the letter and sure enough, it specified that his 'high achievement in literature' got him the scholarship. Max sighed,"I bet its a scam or something. So what about you?"

"Because of my historical fiction series I wrote."]

It's much easier to pick out who's talking. I won't correct the whole thing but you get the idea :) Other than that, I like where this is going, it has a lot of mystery to it.
ThisGuy chapter 21 . 1/1/2013
Tonda! Thisguywithanopinion here for yet another review.

5 Points:
First part: I like to see situations like this. The coward being shown as a hero while it's actually a lie is funny and classic. Great reincorporation of Christian.
Second part: In the words of Tim "Storms a comin'" I feel that I've seen a half rabbit before... time to go replay a fighting game
third part: I normally don't like Dreamscape situations but this is an exception. I see Zach as a perfect subject for internal conflict and Max's input to the dreamworld as justified. I cannot to see Max's intent.
fourth part: I await to see more of the knights in the future
Fifth: I see thisw will be humorous I apologize for the short handedness
thatguy chapter 20 . 12/30/2012
Hiya That Guy With An Opinion here and about this chapter...I really like and was awaiting the mention of Camp 2. Tim is still funny as ever. The Camp 1 section was interesting though. You portrayed the idea of D&D players in a world like this without being total fanboys. The fight scene showed the characteristics of each fighter and I see What you did there with the "FUS RO DAH!" type shout, very witty. I can't wait to read More
Nyx'sReincarnation chapter 20 . 12/26/2012
Amazing chapter! I can't wait to see how this ends. I forgot who the characters were that died, but I loved the little things they said about each of them because I remember more about who they were now.
Keep up the amazing work! :) (:
Tarah xXx
Nayrael chapter 14 . 12/16/2012
Alex... seriously... test first, then use!
Was quite a fantastic battle scene I must say. Alexander is sure Overpowered, though it seems he has overestimated himself a bit too much.
Nayrael chapter 13 . 12/16/2012
WAAAAAAHH, mathematical formula's! T_T Whyyyyy...
You are a funny guy Mr McCoullach... why didn't you teach at none of my schools? Why?

"How to make enemies in blink of an eye AND ruin the world?" by the DWD, to be published on 31st February 2015
"THEM TOO CAEL?! REALLY?!" - right out of my mouth XD
And I was just thinking how DWD turned serious when... horses and remembering they have been hand-cuffed XD

The Greatest Hero of Phoenixes and the Greater Hero of the Dragons... united in a team. Lets hope it doesn't end in a nuclear catastrophe XD
Nayrael chapter 12 . 12/15/2012
And so Phoenixes created more than just paranoia: the relationships are starting to crack. Well, I am sure they will be alright in the long run.

And we got ourselves another Phoenix... though I hope not all bad Phoenixes sound like assholes.
Shaun and Ikuto's convo on this topic was quite interesting... but Shaun proved to be another "Bwuahaha" Phoenix (that explains his own weaknesses and strengths to the enemy for some reason... though him giving a summary on Heliopolis was what just felt weird O_O)... and couldn't he try to come up with an excuse or something? Phoenixes sure have some horrible spies XD

Again on the dialogue issue: Max's mom heard some quite shocking stuff (her son's GF's dad running from the cops. It is surprising that someone would be able to listen to that without asking "What?!" as well as immediately give an thoughtful advise.
Wish Max breaking with Shakira was shown directly rather than in summary. I am glad though that this does not seem to be turning into a High School drama as Max would call it.

"Everyone laughed and the day ended on a happy note" - besides the fact that Shaun was proved to be a Phoenix traitor and is now dead. Kinda feel sorry for the guy...

Ikuto: "So you are a Phoenix!"
Shaun: "Yes, and if not for you meddlesome kids, I'd have gotten away with it!"
Ah yeah, always wanted to use that Scooby doo reference :p
Nayrael chapter 11 . 12/15/2012
Shakira-chan sure travels a lot XD

So the Dark World Duo (from now on called DWD) turned the Dark World into Skyrim eh? Time to wait for the Phoenixborn to save the world... or the DWD to get caught and forced to do some community work in order to pay their fine.

Harding sure is not in Good alignment, is he?

So the Eagle Bear fusion failed... SO LETS TRY A EAGLE LION :D
And they succeeded. World still doesn't know how, but they succeeded.
"and when it launched into the air it left a trail of lightning" - just what are they feeding 'em :-O

"They'd successfully taken a Red Dragon in secret.. and bread it with that of a Kamrat Lizard.."
And I thought the Lion was bad idea... What is this, the Chimera Idol Show preparations? XD

"Someday.. he was going to rule this planet" - I think the guy is not ambitious enough...
And of course, the two teams had to focus on another. Who cares about dragons!
And I thought the DWD were the comical ones XD

Back to the serious world (well in comparison to DW, it is serious :p): Max is starting to doubt his love choices :-O Didn't expect that!
"I mean, you guys know how dramatic Rally can be sometimes when she's upset." - she can? O_O

Well, Phoenixes sure appeared without any real foreplay... and tbh, the scene was kinda... unsatisfying and too quick IMO.

You see, the Phoenixes OH MY GOD SHAKIRA's DAD IS A DRUG LORD O_O *forgets about firebirds*

The last scene, with them finding out about Knoll's condition was better but still lacked in drama apartment.

Hope I am not sounding too critical here...
Nayrael chapter 10 . 12/13/2012
I am quite surprised that Sakira's Monkey is so different from her... or is he?

Also... expressions on their faces? I can imagine Monkey's but... how does it work for a Dragon and especially for a Phoenix? O_O
And Goron continues to be cute XD Laughed at how quickly he was beaten and how he continued to act proudly XD
The Werewolf's exposition came too suddenly: why not make Leon or someone ask him about full moon or something to make it feel a bit more natural?
Similarly, Allanon telling them why they would need different names is redundant: they would understand it. Maybe make someone ask about it or describe it outside the dialogue?

And the familiars have talents like their masters eh? Do they also have parts of Alexander in them?

Liked Jericho's part. The cast slowly increases and I am glad to see that Jericho is fulfilling my expectations.
Shakira is dangerous O_O Well, I am sure it was worth it XD
I have some feeling Rally will make the whole romance complicated but I can't imagine how o_O

"He thought Dragons were just old fairytales." Dat moment when people from our world have easier time accepting a Dragon than someone from a fantastical world XD
Also, since when do the signs give such details?
And the Misadventures ended in unleashing a great threat into the world. Who needs evil master plans when you have duos like them XD

Anyway, the way you gave the reader details about certain things felt unnatural (the dialogues and the sign I mentioned) and it breaks the immersion a bit. I'd suggest focusing on giving details via narrative or by expanding the dialogues to make characters naturally come to the topic (though in general it would be good if the dialogues had more interruptions: they feel a bit too orderly in the chapters I read).

All the criticisms aside, it was a good chapter that neatly made the plot move forward.
Nayrael chapter 9 . 12/11/2012
While Allanon's exposition of the MG was good, it is surprising how nobody interrupted him. Curiosity brings out questions, not to mention that it is a bit easier to follow such kind of exposition.

Anyway, I like how Phoenixes are the antagonists. Never thought I'd see something like that and I sure like the idea :D
The fact that Max can summon him makes this all more interesting.

And here we have another episode of "Misadventures of Cael and Brokk"! Quite a funny duo they are XD

So the "Rally likes Max" theory came true in the end... gurl should have been more assertive XD

lol at Monkey being summoned while taking a shower XD And he wears pants on Thursdays? What about t-shirts?
Goron is cute :D
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