Reviews for Five Senses
The Autumn Queen chapter 5 . 9/16/2012
I like how the light slants because that shows a sense of being unable to understand and imagine the entirety around the concept of God and does a good job in capturing that unknowability. I don’t like how you’ve worded that last line. “Your contemplation” suggests that God is the one contemplating, while the line before suggests it’s the other way around. Perhaps “contemplation of You” would suit better.

Ohana from the review marathon (link in profile)
The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 9/16/2012
I don’t like the use of honey in this haiku because it’s typically used for more seducing images and that seems a little inappropriate when we’re talking about God and human relationship. Especially since you bring the tongue into it – there’s a saying that the tongue is the part of the body that commits the second-most no. of sins. I think also, as a whole, you’ve approached the concept of taste in a slightly disturbing manner – I might be reading too into it, but it does come out rather sexual in nature – perhaps you could have related more towards the apple in the orchard with Adam and Eve and that kind of thing instead?
The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 9/16/2012
“more silken” is a bit of an odd phrase; typically, I hear “silkier” so that’s definitely not a colloquial term, but in this case it can work because you’re talking about God and the Divine. However, at the same time it loses a sense of personalness so I think you might need to consider which of the two is more important in this haiku; personally, I think it’s better to have that personal sense than the formal tone – it’s not like “silkier” is explicitely informal.

I like the image of the “cracked lips” because it provides a contrast between God that is untouchable and perfection, and humans which are imperfect with the cracks, and prone to things like desire and hurt.
The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 9/16/2012
I like the image of the flower as it has a subtle image of servitude instead of a blaring one, and I think it’s a good metaphor here. I also like how you use the word “longing” as opposed to something firmer and harsher and with more negative connotations like “desire” – it gives a nice beautiful image and really supports the flower that came before it.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/16/2012
I don’t like the second line because something seems to disagree there – resonates in a tiny birdsong would be better - but then “a” winds up being an extra word. Or maybe “tiny birdsongs” if you want to stick to the same form, although this doesn’t follow the 5-7-5 so it might be a tad less important. I like the image of sound here though because you’ve drawn the silence as a clever background to highlight the music. Nicely done.

Ohana from the review marathon (link in profile)
marinawings chapter 5 . 4/25/2012
these are beautiful little poems! they remind me of psalms. i love the way you used them to show how each sense can link us to God. my favorite is probably the one for sight. i'm a visual person, i guess. anyways, excellent work! i really like these!
Erlkoenigin chapter 5 . 4/25/2012
I prefer the second version with the sunbeams because I imagine God as being very bright.

But where is the fog of the German version? I would have written: “through the misty forests of my mind”.

But that’s only a small detail. I really like your Haikus.
Erlkoenigin chapter 4 . 4/25/2012
Very poetic!

Here I definitely prefer the English version. It sounds like a song.
Erlkoenigin chapter 3 . 4/25/2012
Like in mysticism your relation to God (Jesus?) is almost erotic! I like the contrast balm (which heals not only the body but also the soul) – cracked lips.
Erlkoenigin chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
The reader expects that you smell a flower, but not that you are the flower. So your poem is a real Haiku with an surprising turn in the last line.
Erlkoenigin chapter 1 . 4/25/2012
A very beautiful haiku (the birds and the sheres!), but I prefer the German version. Strange enough but it’s more melodic.