Reviews for Child in the Graveyard
BlackPantiesWithAnAngelsFace chapter 1 . 4/13/2012
Just curious, was this based on personal experience or just a story you made up? It's really good.

Kitty(
walls-have-ears chapter 1 . 4/1/2012
Even though this story is a little short, it still had emotion in it, for me. Nice job.
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 3/29/2012
Hello again.

I like the basis of this story. It's a little bit cliche, but it works out allright. The plot and the details are good, but you have this problem with showing vs. telling. Take the first paragraph, for instance.

"I could hear the rain pounding against my umbrella as I struggled to hold back my tears threating to overflow like a broken dam. My father past away two months ago from cancer, and now I stand visiting his grave. I begin telling him about my day, my mother, and my sister. Even though he is gone talking to him just helps me feel like a little part of him is still around."

How about:

"The rain pounded against my black satin umbrella and trickled off the sides. I blinked, hard, as my eyes stung and tears threatened to overflow like a broken dam. The chunk of freshly-hewn marble in front of me was all I had left of my father, when just two months ago I could see him smiling and laughing before me. But that had been before the cancer came. I squatted down and began to speak to his headstone, in a conversational tone, because that way it felt like he was still there."

The way you wrote it, it feels as if the narrator is telling you what happened. In the second version, the reader is directly interacting with the events. Or at least, I like to think anyway. Ignore the overzealous figurative language in "my" version, I get carried away sometimes :/.

Just a suggestion more than anything. As it stands, the storyline and characterization is good, and the little kid is creepy.

Keep writing!

-REB