Reviews for When Heroes Fall
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 11/17/2012
[Their adrenaline and fear, their loathing and helplessness, they're all instruments culminating in a last] - totally off topic, but this is where I used to put in ellipses to try and vary the pause. And yet, despite using a comma both places, I can see a variation. And it's making even more sense. :)

Okay, to the actual review. First of all, nice beginning. You really have a way with eye-catchers. A nice topic sentence that's fleshed out and it gives an objective feel amidst the first person subjectiveness. The structure of that whole paragraph is the TEEL we were taught in primary school for essays, minus the "evidence". Moreso it's an introduction - and a really catchy one too.

The sounds you throw in in bold also have a good impact in snatching away from the more fluid prose. The way you've spaced it out is visually appealing as well - they're pretty without even reading in context but that's not to say they don't fit into the rest of your piece. And the way you snatch around between subjects was a nice interplay with that.

The only bit I could critique was this part: [Blood spurts, more of it pools, and I go still. I watch him, how his lips twist. How they part as he closes his eyes. When I see his tongue lolling forward, I wait for it, crave it, beg for it to be so.] - I think you're dimming the effectiveness by structuring it the way you have. I think you could have shuffled your fullstops and commas a little and that would have come out far more effectively. And why "I go still?" That's an odd descriptor in the context.

I also think (this is just a mere suggestion) that your last line could have been rewritten as "And then - darkness." and that might have been a bit punchier as far as endings go.
Luckycool9 chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
I like how corrupt this hero is because all he wants is the glory for defeating the villain and earning the fame he deserves ,no matter the cost. I also liked how the villainess sees both of them as human when the hero is about to die because we sometimes forget heroes are humans and not only symbols. great story and a cold ending!
DandelionsAndDaydreams chapter 1 . 7/1/2012
That was really good. I loved how you incorporated the sounds, giving it a scrapbook-like quality. I really liked that. Were the characters supposed to be superheros? Are they like actual ones, or your own? Sorry, it's just that comics/graphic novels are the one thing I won't read. Well, after biographies.
Anyway, I've been seeing these "Review Game's Writing Challenge Contest" things lately, and I don't know what they are. Could you PM me or something, telling me what it is? Thanks, hat would be really helpful :)
the-lovely-anomaly chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
Ooh, this is fiendish. Twisted and macabre, but humorous at the same time. I see that you have it tagged as "Suspense/Drama" - and I agree that it does fall under those categories - but truthfully, I think it could pass as a dark comedy. (And no, I'm not kidding. XD) It treads the border between hilarious absurdity and pain, managing to be cringe-worthy and chuckle-worthy simultaneously. It almost reminds me of a comic book version of "Sweeny Todd" - which is not a criticism in any way, but merely a statement.

I realize that the reaction I had to this was probably not the reaction you intended, and I admit that I have no way to justify it other than to say I have a strange way of responding to things. In any case, this was amazingly written. The pacing, characterization, and description were spot on, and I look forward to reading more from you.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 4/22/2012
I really like this - it's an interesting take on the superhero-sidekick dynamic, and I love how, at the end, they're kind of reunited again. It shows how Ashley isn't completely gone, that there was still a hint of the ability to be redeemed right there, but that it was just too late. The dialogue worked brilliantly, and through a small space there was a strong sense of the characters. I loved the use of things like "Crash" and "Wham" - it reminded me of the 60s Batman, yet it's effect here is kind of twisted; very comic-booky without being overly camp in its usage. Great stuff, great short. Loved it.
YasuRan chapter 1 . 4/17/2012
I really enjoyed the setting and characterization. It's a strange, twisted world the characters inhabit, quite like a comic book turned inside out. The usual comic-book tropes are present with the torturous villain and righteous hero but are inverted with the motives of the former revealed as the story progresses. And unlike with the usual comic book themes, there are no happy endings for anyone. The twist at the end with Silver Bullet's appearance jerked my attention and then snatched the carpet from beneath me when his motives weren't as honorable as they initially seemed.

I could critique some of the dialogue, given that it sounded a bit hammy in a few places but on the other hand, I also think it matches the typical superhero format with the verbal stand-downs between hero and villain. It lulls you into expecting the usual ending but that sets up the actual twist to take you by surprise.

On the whole, well done :)
trilby94 chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
This really is very good! From the very start you create a tense, uneasy atmosphere that keeps the reader engagd an on edge throughout. This is good because with a topic like the one you're dealing with, it shouldn't be 'comfortable' to read. The narrative voice was dstinct and gripping, I could hear the way she would speak,even picture the way in whih she'd say it, through your writing.

Overall I don't have anything bad to say, really! I just have feeling that this story could have been average at best in anyone else's hands but for your own. Well done, loved it :)
Nesasio chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
I really liked that twist at the end with Silver Bullet. It was a nice surprise, given the build we had with The Cardinal/Dark Panther. I think it worked, though. It wasn't a surprise because the narrator's problems so easily translated over to the new sidekick.

I agree with Oogle that the onomatopoeia didn't seem to fit in this story. Granted, I don't read comic books often, but I always got the feeling sound effects like that were used in big action scenes, not the dark, sinister action of this piece. That made it more cartoony to me and took me out of the moment a bit.

Still, a well-written piece and really cool interpretation of the prompt. Good luck in the WCC! :)
A. Gray chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
I love the use of the blod stand alone words. Not only does it give that comic-booky feel, but it really pops out to give a interesting feel.

The story of these conflicted characters that are all just victims of their own making and fame is both tragic and yet so poetic.

THe ending where these two once superheros, but now enemies, remember that they were friends in the last moment was heart wrenching. Still I don't think this could have ended any other way.

I also find it rather telling of how they see them selves when the bullet says" The only freak left for these people." To me this says that while they do this for the Good at the atart the fame and everything else really does get to them. To become a freak in your own eyes where murder is just another step to feeding the circle is saddening. It's also sad that they all seem to hate it yet can't stop.

Good luck on the WCC!
Findus chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
Hi from the RG Depth,

Hey, I figured this prompt would be right up your alley and wasn't disappointment.

'hey say you can tell everything about a man by the sound of his last scream. 'You can't go wrong with that first fabulous line. And how immediately in the second sentence I get an idea that who the narrator is,( a sadist). I see a lot of Christoph in the characterization of your narrator but perhaps that's because this is what I'm expecting. I was surprised (and pleased) to find out that Dark Panther was a woman.

You have a real knack for creating drama, and I felt the frustration of your narrator over the hero refusing to scream. Poor girl, she's trying real hard and nothing. Must be confidence crushing for a torturer, it's not easy to be the villain. I liked how you made her childishly petulant and that Ashley's openly sulking in front of Russell when no screams are. forthcoming

I liked the idea that people are waiting for the hero to fail. I was nodding when I read that. That's the pleasure people get out of hearing famous folks tripping up and generally messing up. There is an immense satisfaction to see perfection slide. I liked how you sneaked in that theme in this prompt and that there was a fine line between hero and villain after all.

The sound effects in bold, the 'CLANG' and what not where perfect. Made me feel like I was in a comic book and I enjoyed how you used them throughout the fight scene. The fight itself, well, this is really your forte. You have a great sense for coordinating movements, sounds and effects. Not easy to do to remember the exact where and what and who all of the time so I salute you for this. I liked the twist at the end, Ashley thinking she managed to turn the side-kick, hehe , only to have him turn around and kill her too. I didn't expect that. Heck, don't know what I expected, but I liked being surprised so thank you for sharing the madness. I had fun reading this one.

Good luck with the WCC!
Jenny Sue chapter 1 . 4/5/2012
I really liked reading this. Normally I find action and fight scenes really difficult to enjoy reading but I loved this, and I loved all the onomatopoeia (if I've spelled that right then I'm getting myself a medal). I have absolutely nothing constructive to say, just wanted to let you know that this was a pleasure to read :)
lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/4/2012
Characters- Lol, the Cardinal superhero reminds me of the Battle Pope comics! Anyway, I liked the superhero concept! That was great! I liked it because I thought it was unique the way you handled the characters as being sort of two sides of the same coin, and where that jealousy stems with the partner-ups. I liked seeing all of this from the Dark Panther side, it definitely allowed you to do your signature dark spin on things. I also really liked the characterization you were able to add in with Silver Bullet near the end-you put so much character development into only one story, awesome!

Narrative Voice- Loved this because it's always a strong point with your work. I liked the way they're always strong, and Ashley/Dark Panther was a great addition to that. You do really well with the first person perspective so I enjoyed seeing that also showcased and I think it's safe to do something like playing to your strengths with WCC too!

Pacing- Wonderful-it wasn't too slow and wasn't too fast. I was afraid once I picked up it was kind of in a superhero vein that it might be a bit too fast, but the way you wove in those last onomatopoeic words (I forget what the comic term for them is, is it just "action words"? XD), it worked really well because you paced it with longer paragraphs to keep things consistent.

Setting- I would've enjoyed a bit more from the setting as far as a wider description, *but* I did love the description of the "operation table" and the blood and the props that you used, the knives, etc. That was all described wonderfully. Yet then again, I think that you can get away with a more minimalist structure for the setting too, because the narrative voice is so strong, so it's really a win-win, haha.

Overall, yay! Enjoyed this a lot, I think it fits the prompt great and I liked the voice. All good here-best of luck to you this month! I hope more people submit!
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 4/3/2012
Very interesting. As usual, you have a very strong narrator here, who makes the story very impacting. I thought this emotion here was good, though I didn't quite "feel" the reasoning behind it. I liked the superheroes gone wrong type of plot because it's very contrary to what we usually think of our saviors; I liked how your turned that stereotype on it's head to give readers something new to chew on.

One big problem I had was your onomatopoeia. I think it could have been a good tactic with another story, but here it felt disruptive and distracting. Any time I come across bolded text in all caps, I'm immediately turned off. I'm also not sure if it added anything worthwhile to the story itself.
Aistaraina chapter 1 . 4/2/2012
I was for sure surprised when I finally realized that this was about superheroes. This is a side to the superheroes that we don't always get to see. It reminded me of the newer Batman movie series for some reason.

Also when Ashley said, "And the moment you give them a reason to attack you, they will," it reminded me of the movie, Incredibles, when Mr. Incredible rescues that guy who was trying to commit suicide and then the guy sues him.

I also really liked how you incorporated the sound effects that are usually seen in comic books, adds a bit more to the superhero feel. I honestly thought that Silver Bullet was going to rescue The Cardinal. What he did, I did not see coming. Well played!

I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes. This makes me want to read more on these superheroes. I know we got most of the back story but if you ever wrote more for them, I would deffinately read it. Keep up the good work!
Inkspilled chapter 1 . 4/1/2012
"When hearing a new voice from behind me, I hiss." could be changed to "I hiss at the new voice behind me." to clear up tense issues there.

Very cool story. I like that the Watchmen connection is still in here a bit. Again, I liked your introduction; it's the classic kind of hook that grabs your interest and puts you right in the story. I also like the gradual character growth, where the Cardinal starts off as an ordinary person, then is revealed to be a hero, and then his 'heroic' role becomes questionable. Also, the comic book style throughout was a nice addition, I like all those BLAM! and WHAM!'s. Very interesting read. Good luck in the contest! :)
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