|Reviews for The Commandments|
| slashedkaze chapter 1 . 8/3/2013
Especially the Bambi lines.
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 7/29/2013
Opening: I loved your opening. You instantly put the characters out there, and we already know the girl's drive in the story. You also just capture the mood and feel of the story really quickly and beautifully.
Character: Your characterization was really good, and oddly minimal-we really have no background information on the girl except for what she says. And despite that, you manage to create an interesting character. My main issue, however, is that the you make the girl sound like a guy, and vice-versa. Despite all the clues you put in the text, I still got confused as to their genders.
Pacing: I thought your pacing was pretty good. I never felt like it was rushed at all, and the balance between action and description was perfect. The only issue I had with it was the time skip close to the beginning. I thought it was a little jarring with no warning.
Ending: I have mixed feelings about the ending. On the one hand, I absolutely loved it-it was shocking, and the very last line was a really great way to wrap things up, but on the other, I thought it was a little weird that the man didn't really react at all. There really isn't much of his emotions, and I think those could enhance the feeling of the ending.
Amazing, amazing work. I love this story like crazy.
| Maria Gracia chapter 1 . 8/7/2012
I really enjoyed the idea behind this one-shot. The begginning was quite nice and left an impression on you that lasted throughout the reading. This is an area that a lot of people go into, breaking the commandments or just sinning (and I mean that in the obvious way, not as... an underway of a story), and to me, this seemed alright. The red dress is a recurring theme.
Perhaps one of my favorite lines (aside from the opening) was "You were never a virgin, even when you were one" because it managed to convey the whole feel of both of the characters. I love when stories try second-person, though I gotta say that second paragraph threw me off. The transitions between the scenes weren't all that good for me. They felt rough and... not rushed but incomplete. I got what you were trying to do but somehow, it didn't leave a big impression.
The "twist" in the end was... nice. "And I draw the hem down for decency's sake. Mine not yours." I truly enjoyed some of the dialogue and, well, the closing line? Awesome, as well.
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 4/15/2012
Your descriptions and metaphors are exquisite; I love how unconventional so many of them are. The only thing that didn't seem to fit was the deer's blood/Bambi part, perhaps because it was restricted to the beginning. Seriously though, good job.
| Creative Legacy chapter 1 . 4/15/2012
I have to admit, I don't usually like anything that isn't in the third person. I find them hard to follow and find that a lot of writer's fail to use first or second person effectively but you did a wonderful job.
Somehow I can't help but feel like the 'him' in this story. I've never done the things he did or been in those situations but there was someone from my life that I could pin to the 'you' character that made it all the more frighteningly magnetised.
I can't fault your writing, your grammar or your punctuation and the plotline, for me is very well done and individual, if not slightly unoriginal.
The end scene was very interesting, if only for the fact I might have written it differently, were I able to write at this level. I was thinking maybe she'd killed her husband and then wanted help in killing herself, which would've been a double blow to the commandments but what you did, and it took me more than a few lines to figure it out, which is great, was to envoke sympathy for a woman who -perhaps - deserved none and that is an incredibly talented thing to do.
| Pseudonym59 chapter 1 . 4/11/2012
I normally don't like reading in the second person, but for this story it really fit. It made the narrator's feelings for the girl feel much more realistic and personal.
I really liked the plot of this. The narrator's love for the girl is unconditional, but we can see that he harbors resentment towards her for marrying someone else and making (well asking) him to drown her.
Great job! :)
| Lexxiconn chapter 1 . 4/10/2012
This is unbelieveable. As soon as I was finished, I didnt even know how or where to start with the review, lol
How you used second person and to make it flow smoothly is real talent. I've read others that right off the bat doesn't "go" with their writing style, and should reside to first and second person. I applaud you for that.
The plot/story all together blew me away. I love the creativity of it, and the way you formed the Ten Commandments into an intense story. Truthfully, religious concepts tend to bore me, but with your writing brought in the Christianity aspects without it overwhelming it.
The ending was beyond expected, I must say. I assumed exactly what the narrator assumed- she might have wanted to feel "beautiful" again despite her deteriorating appearances. With the amount of curiosity building, I found myself forgetting that the woman wanted to break all of the Commandments stated in the beginning. Excellent job with that!
| Aistaraina chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
I don't read many stories that are able to pull the "You" (forget what it's called). I thought it fit nicely with the first person. I also like how you don't give us the names of the main characters; leaves a little mystery for the reader.
I was wondering, if she wanted to break all the commandments why did she have the guy kill her because that would be him breaking that commandment, not her. I didn't think that seemed the appropiate way for her to break all of the commandments.
Also did she have a disease like cancer because her being bald made me think of that.
Just one small thing, the C in commandments for the title should be capitalized.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
Wow! I don't know where to begin with this, so I guess I'll just start at the...
Beginning: I love how you open this up, especially when I see that this character is apparently intent on breaking every deadly sin. As I'm sure you've noticed, I love anything about a character trying to defy or piss off a God, and the girl in this story is no exception. I love how you describe her here, and your opening dialogue really pulls in my attention, giving me a great sense of her character throughout this. Oh, and I really liked that mention of a Transformers t-shirt, because I thought it was a great way to show both the narrator's age and his gender without coming out and saying it.
Writing: The writing in general is just gorgeous - it has that tone I saw in Scrapyard Sally and Gator Blue, but here it seems even more defined. Your metaphors are beautiful and so unique - I think that's what kept my attention so riveted is the writing and how different is it. Everything flows into each other like it's silk running over my brain. I particularly enjoyed that line about the pattern of his car's wheel being imprinted on her ass, haha. Oh, and your grammar/spelling is spot-on - I didn't notice any typos, and your punctuation does a perfect job keeping things moving.
Scene: My favorite scene would have to be with them in the car. It's just so steamy, and at the same time vague and filled with metaphors/similes to get the raunchy, indulgent aspect of sex across, yet while using these great (sometimes funny) descriptions. I just, ugh, I dunno. I'm sorry - I don't mean to gush like this, but I love reading sex scenes, and this is just awesome. It's like you've found the perfect line between risque and romantic, if there is such a thing. xD And the way you bring up her hand print on the windshield, his seed staining the car seat, how she slips her panties into her pocket once she gets out of the car - just awesome. I can feel both his guilt and her enjoyment, how she seems to just get high off this sorta thing, and it makes both characters that much more interesting.
Ending: And wow, I didn't see that ending coming. It's really sad... and it's funny how sad I feel for this woman after seeing all the bad things she's done. For a moment I thought she was going to kill HIM, but then I saw those clues that she has cancer, and just... damn. I guess I can understand how she feels, wanting him to help her end it. It gave me that hollow feeling in my heart where I just want to break down and cry, haha. I think it's amazing how you get such a strong emotion across in so small a short-story. And I guess the narrator was right in that she's always going to pull him into her commandment breaking.
Oh, and on a side note, I really liked how you told this in second person. I think it added a really cool twist to things and made the reader feel either guilty or uncomfortable (guilty for me) when being put into her situation. But it's really cool - I don't often find second person narratives that are told so well.
Best of luck in the WCC, this was such a joy to read! :)
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
Wow, I totally agree with Lyra in that the language in this was beautiful. I see this a bit in Gator Blue too, but I really loved it here. I think you really captured the brutality of your theme being the ten commandments and breaking them-maybe not the most original take on the prompt but the way you told the story made it one of the most creative, so I really enjoyed that. I loved the narrative voice and I loved the way you used a puesdo-second person throughout this. It really connects the reader to your characters.
The descriptions of the "you" character and the consistent with the red dress and Bambie and the blood were great and made ever greater by their consistency. I really loved this, it was an excellent piece and the way you wrote it was so unique and out of the world. Seriously, good job, haha. That ending was wonderfully powerful in a dark and unglamorous way, and the pacing up to that last paragraph was spot-on. I appreciated the tact and thought put into this and wish you the best of luck this month!
| drats chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
Wow. That had quite a BOOM effect. ..As in, I couldn't stop reading. It was great. The deer blood dress, the little phrases about her being ugly but he loves her anyway. I liked the way you choose to write it too, in his POV, it made it seem more real, and even sweet in a way. And the ending, completely blew me away.
So, yeah. You get top points in orginality, greatness, and captivating.
P.S. Please read, and hopefully review, my story, "chocolate fondant". ta.
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 4/8/2012
I absolutely love the language in this. You give the two characters such distinctive voices throughout. I thought the Bambi motif was interesting, the sort of innocence implied there but corrupted since it was more in relation to the blood spilled there. That was brilliantly eerie and also in keeping with the narrator.
I thought the end was interesting. I mean, I knew something like that was coming (though I thought when she called him that maybe they were going to kill her husband) but I was right with the narrator there in thinking it's not quite the same if he does it. Still, it was fittingly brutal, and I like that you didn't back off from that. The story needed an intense ending like that with the wild emotions portrayed, and that just wrapped it up so well.
Excellent piece! Good luck in the WCC! :)