|Reviews for A Ranger's Tale|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 6/25/2013
Firstly, I’d like to apologise for the length of time it’s taken me to review this. Life has been taking over. Anyway.
Some of this is still a bit difficult to read; some of the scenes jump very quickly and it’s hard to get a real handle on who the characters are and what they’re doing. That said, you have some very nice moments here, but I think you could build on the emotional impact a little by maybe cutting back – just a bit – on the humour element of it. The characters come across at times as a little too random, and I know some of it is inspired by Anime/Manga (I think?) but it doesn’t always work in prose. I would suggest trying to tighten up some of the language a bit too, try to make it a little less wordy. [inquired Guy as he stepped forth from the door.] could just be “Guy stepped through the door.” [Endless maelstrom lashed out within his very soul with emotions nothing more than a serpent feeding on its tail.] is a little too much. Simplify some of the language and it could have a stronger impact on the reader. [The Gaffer of Teesside despised religion for what it is. Ironically, denial was never been an option.] You could cut out ‘for what it is’ there. The second one, I’d suggest ‘denial had never been’ as it keeps the same tense. [Moggray's heart started to bleed upon seeing Guy's head cocking to one side.] I really like the sentiment you convey with his heart bleeding; but the sentence itself might flow better as ‘started to bleed as Guy’s head cocked to one side.’ Some of the dialogue comes out a bit stiff; [This is just the second mug.] could just be “It’s the second mug.” For example.
It’s just a few things I picked up near the start, but the same sort of things apply throughout. Like I said, you have some nice emotional moments, but I feel like we’re jerked out of the scene and dumped into the next one before, as a reader, we can get our teeth into them. Maybe stick with Guy for the whole chapter; or shorten it so that we join other characters in the next chapter. As a good rule of thumb, it’s a good idea to stick with one character per chapter as it really allows the reader to get to know them.
As always, I really hope this helps.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 8 . 6/18/2013
WHEN THE HELL DID CATTERM DIE?! You never mentioned him again after he got bailed out of jail with Guy, and all of a sudden he's DEAD?! Erm, what happened?! There was no transition, no foreshadowing, no information, nothing, and we're supposed to go, "oh, huh, he's dead."?!
Yeah, the two spears wielded by Diarmuid from the Fenian Cycle. More like from Fate/Zero. Man up and admit that you took the spears and Diarmuid from Fate/Zero instead of the Fenian Cycle. I bet you never even heard of him until you read/watched Fate/Zero.
Yes, everything here sounds racist, you don't need to say it, but it is implicit in your writing. The way Mayweather behaved toward Alestial or whatever her name is, was racist enough. Well, that's not the issue here. Hell, it's not even an issue, but just being honest about how it sounded.
Well, your story is interesting, and Guy is fun to follow. He makes it easier to read, so I'll continue reading tomorrow when I have the time. Till then!
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 7 . 6/18/2013
It's only 9 pages. Yeah. My average chapter is almost 30 pages. Then again, I write fewer chapters than you do.
Hmm. Okay, not sure what's going on in this chapter. So did Mayweather die or not? And who shot the lightning magic? I mean "A single arc of lightning streaked forth his blade upon fatal magic pulled off by Mayweather Lucs." What the hell does that mean?
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 6 . 6/18/2013
Sigh, I don't quite like Aeranath. He's emo, moody, tragic, dark, grim and a little cliched. I'll put up with him. I like Guy more, but he turned from humorous and a comedy character from the beginning to a bitter, tragic one now. All because Scholes was killed. I still don't understand if he's supposed to be smart or stupid.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 5 . 6/18/2013
Mowbray telling Guy how Scholes died was too contrived. Seriously, telling anyone the news of the death of a loved one or close friend/mentor will leave them going "huh?" the first time. The whole "don't tell me you forgot about the man who blah blah" was too contrived, unnatural and completely unnecessary. Just have him say, "yes, Scholes. The man who taught you, blah blah blah." Even if he was snapping at himself, it felt too contrived and stupid.
Everything else was okay. I understand Guy wanting to brawl, no good keeping his feelings and emotions bottled up inside. And Alestrial showed up to save him. Guy's gonna marry her sooner or later, I guess. We'll see.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 4 . 6/18/2013
Um, suck thumb? You seriously wrote that here? That's a Singaporean expression, I doubt your international readers will know what it means. Well, it doesn't matter. Then again, you did include it in the background notes, so it's fine. It just feels out of place since none of them are slinging Hokkien phrases and curses at each other.
I like Guy Cody more than Aenerath (sorry if I mispelled his name). It's funny that he has so many dreams, though. Well, as long as he isn't an emo, brooding psychopath who goes around killing people and having lies from his lightning (still don't know what's that supposed to mean).
Okay, moving on.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 3 . 6/18/2013
Ha ha ha, as always, your hatred for Cristiano Ronaldo knows no bounds.
What is it with the lightning sccene? Seriously? "Mocked by unintentional lies coming from their own". What the hell is that supposed to mean? I can guess, but I would prefer if you just use simple English because that statement didn't make much sense whatsoever, even with the context.
Other than that, hmm, interesting. I love the football caricatures. They are hilarious.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 6/18/2013
The dream was awesome. Now this is what I'm talking about! Characters just talking naturally while dropping all pretense of High English or whatever fantasy equivalent of some tongue they normally speak in. It's refreshing to see Guy and Cattern lash out at each other without the need to make them speak unnatural, formal, medieval English. Oh I see, the dream was inspired by someone else.
And I already caught the Middlesbrough references way before I read the background notes. Was thinking to myself, are you a huge Gareth Southgate fan? 'cause the bloke got booted out many years back. Also laughed when I saw Tony Mowbray since I recognized his butchered name. Or rearranged name. Whatever.
Okay, moving on. Jokes and dreams are more awesome than the trying-to-be-grim-and-serious-but-not-exactly-succ eeding tone of the last chapter, even if you had a fight scene in there.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 1 . 6/18/2013
Okay, I can see that you're trying to go for some Song of Storm and Fire (was that the name of the series of novels, Game of Thrones, or Story of Fire and Ice/whatever) style, as your writing style changed. Not sure if the change is good or bad, because you sound like some fantasy writer wannbe trying to rip off Tolkein or the author of the Games of Thrones/Song of Storm and Fire. *Cough, cough Christopher Paolini cough*
I prefer your older styles. Not as pretentious, feels more honest rather than a writer trying to impersonate another writer.
For example, it is clear and obvious that you are trying to have the characters speak in old, medieval English, or whatever fantasy-styled English they have in fantasy stories (which again is annoying and pretentious), but they use modern slang words like "suck" and "okie dokie". Really? Just use modern slangs instead of talking like, I don't know, medieval dudes without a sense of identity. If you have trouble having them speak High English a la Fantasy novels, then don't. Throw that all away and stick to modern language. Easier to read too. I mean, "if you're not amused by the concept of retribution"? Er, okay, I kind of get it but it took me a while to understand it.
Will continue reading. Would you like me to review each and every chapter by itself, or can I read a whole chunk in one go before posting a review (for example every 5 to 10 chapters, an overall review for everything)?
| Frayling0 chapter 1 . 3/11/2013
Thought it was high time to check this out. Not sure if you remember me from way back, but I'm finally back on the site and writing a new story called Sephira :) Now on with the review...
I'm not usually a fan of the traditional fantasy races, I just think they've been done to death, but I'll reserve judgements since it seems you're putting your own unique spin on them. Great opening, set the tone well. I also thought you did the dialogue well in this chapter, it came across as pretty believable. You left plenty of questions open here, so I'm intrigued to continue. Nice start!
| Umekogal chapter 23 . 2/23/2013
I believe I have heard about the real-life counterpart of the bolting fishes somewhere and they do cause accidents. Imagine you are enjoying a day speedboating on the river when you get pelted in the face by a 30 pound flying carp. I just thought it would be more telling and amusing if Guy did get knocked out and have to be nursed by Karen. I am still trying to get used to the flow of this fic though.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 10 . 1/27/2013
Not so much action here but that's not a bad thing- especially when contrasted with some recent high-energy fight scenes- it gives the story a great balance. This is an interesting chapter because it gives away some extra clues about several of the characters. Yeras seems interesting, I'm looking forward to finding out more about her. I like the dynamics between her and Alestrial.
A few suggestions:
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS, LITTLE GIRL!" [I was a bit confused about who was speaking in this section.]
"Wait a sec. So you still managed to whack the entire lot despite grounding orders set down by Sarge Scholes?" [also confused about dialogue here.]
I also thought the sections were very short here- it didn't give me much time to get a sense of what was happening and what the setting was like.
I did like the bit from Guy's point of view, though. The reader can really get inside his head at these times and understand how he thinks. The power dynamic between him and Sarel is interesting- he seems to be standing up for himself despite her obvious power, which adds a lot to his character.
| Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 1/21/2013
["Have you ever wondered about the dream you stand for?"] I know what is meant here, but I think it is worded strangely. I feel like one does not stand for a dream, one might hold it or chase it, or revere it or something.
[he would have taken a pole and shafted it into my ass] Ouch! Lol
[But still in Scholes I trust] This line made me think of Scholes as a bank or something. I'm not sure if that's the image you want to make. If it is, great. If not, I suggest you get rid of the "in." Also, if you flip the sentence around, you wouldn't say "I trust in Scholes," you'd just say "I trust Scholes," so it's weird to have the "in" in the sentence at all.
[Damn, why do I even open my golden mouth?] made me laugh
I thought the conversation in the dream was really interesting. The idea that Guy's dream is Alestrial did not surprise me—so many knight figures do heroic things to honor their lady. That his teacher told him he doesn't actually know what he wants surprised me, in a good way though. It was unexpected, but I absolutely agree that getting the pretty girl should not be your life's goal. I mean, love is dandy and everything, but I for one am a little cynical and don't really think there is "the one" and he/she should make your life's purpose.
[severed like lingering trails of smoke] I think the definition of "severed" means something is cut off abruptly, so I don't think you can "sever" smoke. Maybe something along the lines of "fade" would convey your idea better.
[Indeed notion of fatalism was no different from a charlatan's venom, religion preached throughout The Known World having no value's worth unless a tool gripped in the grasp of fallacy] Getting a bit wordy here… Never underestimate the power of a simple sentence.
I see that you have a mini glossary at the bottom of the page, which is really helpful. I'm still a little confused by what happened though. Like what's "red alert"? And What does it mean to give someone the sledgehammer? Does it mean that they're firing Guy Cody?
I'm not sure if the second italicized section is a dream or a flashback. Is this Guy dreaming of the hero he's meant to become and having Alestrial be the maiden that will tame his wild lion heart or has it happened already? I can't help but feel that the italicized version of himself is not at all like the kind of person he is currently. Like now he seems more amateurish and silly, whereas in that section when he was 12, he seems downright scary. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that you're comparing Guy to a lion, a metaphor which I really like, I would have at first assumed that it was Aeranath you're talking about.
I actually thought the opening scene was the clearest part of the story. I got that Guy was talking to a mentor of his about his life and the direction it might take. Then Moggray and Southgate are scheming something, then Alestrial, and the last two sections, I feel really lost. Like, where did Aeranath pop up from?
I have mixed feelings about Alestrial as a character. I like the hinting that she's actually steely instead of the just pretty and gentle, and I do like strong female characters, but on the whole, the flawlessness was just a turn off. In my personal opinion, when you have a character that's pretty and strong and loved by all, there's the very room for development and it's very easy for her to end up being a flat character, unrelatable character.
I feel like she's very sure of herself, and I do like that contrast with Guy.
| Syneia chapter 22 . 1/21/2013
There were quite a few grammatical errors in this that made the story feel very disjointed and difficult to follow in places. The use of certain words made it difficult to work out if it was set in the past or present. But it was alright. Keep going :)
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 1/18/2013
Alright so... your writing is kinda fantastic. I was really impressed with the wording and how easily it immersed the reader—'moi'— into your fantasy setting. I'll admit that sometimes I found the description and sentencing to be a bit too elaborate and excess, probably only because I was confusing myself with it, but I really did appreciate the detail.
I couldn't figure out what the bolding was for, but I actually liked it. It seemed like a second narration? It does an interesting thing for the actual narration itself though, sorta like a further away voice emphasizing the scene. I don't know... this is me trying to figure it out lol
One thing I was thrown off by was the dialogue, but only because the style of writing is almost formal and aged that when Aeranath said something 'Sucks' I was like 'Woah... where did that come from?' I was obviously expecting the type of dialect to be more medievalish? Though, I didn't mind the modern take on it, especially the accents of the thugs, those were interesting :)
[That's how he 'define' the term one amongst the rest. Period.] - Maybe defines or defined?
I enjoyed this opening and I think Aeranath, though a little sarcastic, is pretty interesting. I wonder about his exotic heritage and if that plays a role in his story.