|Reviews for Sense Went Out to Lunch|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/24/2012
He really wanted to get out of here. [Edit: should be "there"]
"...Now get overhere!" [Edit: "over here"]
"Well, now weknow your name." [Edit: "we know"]
"Not very." Marina bluntly replied... [Edit: comma instead of period after "not very"]
"WAIT WHAT!" Both of Alius and Sjorn replied... [Edit: would omit "both of"]
And chanting "I'm invisible, you can't see me." over and over again. [Edit: comma after "chanting", comma instead of period after "me"]
...character!)was... [Edit: space after 'was']
"...two insane bitches do something..." [Ehhh you might want to keep in mind your audience, not all women like to be called bitches. And not all women readers are going to appreciate that the men are calling the women in the story bitches either.]
*cue happy elevator music* [Style: I would almost suggest inserting in a page break here so that the last scripted dialogue acts more as a separate-scene author's note]
Just another thing about the editing. I did see the speaker tags somewhat askew and not grammatically correct especially towards the end and I don't think I caught all of them. Even though this is a silly fun story, I would still appreciate as a reader, the time that the author takes to edit the work. This allows a reader, especially a reviewer, to focus more on the content than the fact something might be poorly edited. However, this wasn't that bad and I only did find a few mistakes, I just think it would be work taking a serious look at it for typos/errors to show that you do enjoy your work, even if it's silly.
Anyway, content-wise. I liked the way that the author was part of this-in the sense it's said "the author would do this but is lazy" etc. I found those some of the best humorous parts of the whole thing. I also liked the funny bits about relating the fantasy to a video game with the Leveling, and I liked the humor about adventuring too. The humor was kind of lost on me once the women came in and I wasn't as into the dialogue at the end either-I enjoyed the beginning with the narration describing the town and even the cave and stuff more than anything, so I definitely would keep that up!
| Ram Attra chapter 1 . 4/24/2012
love this story the characters the deatail the stroy line and the title of the story!
man if i was a publisher this would have been on the shelfs a long time ago.
and i have a litle bit of luck here since someone is so amazing can you reveiw my story and possibly give some feed back for improvement or good thing in the story :)
Mate but this story has nothing wrong with and you shall cary on!
| Jeldaly chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
Bwahahahahahaha, this is frickin hilarious. Please, please, please update soon!