|Reviews for The Citadel: A Novel|
| Aquamouse chapter 3 . 4/21/2012
Again, there's a few occurrences of the "that trap" throughout the chapter.
The ellipsis at the end of the third paragraph is unnecessary. Should just be a period.
"'No all. They…' The sailor waved" I think you mean "Not all" but it's dialogue so I'm not sure. Figured I'd point it out.
"Alex would have guess they were local fishermen" should be "Alex would have guessed."
"The sturdy craft were hung" should be "sturdy crafts were hung" or "the sturdy craft was hung."
"'I'm sorry, CaptainFulon,' Alex interrupted" should have a space between Captain and Fulon.
Overall a few typos and things but still very well written. Great imagery and descriptions throughout! I love the vocabulary and the dialogue is superb. ]
| Aquamouse chapter 2 . 4/21/2012
At the beginning you have "Jaiden" instead of "Jayden."
Throughout you have "'ship" and it really just looks like a typo or something. Obviously, the apostrophe is supposed to be replacing the word wagon. However, you introduce the concept after the initial "'ship." Maybe call it a vessel first or call it a wagon-ship before truncating it to 'ship. In the final sentence in the first section you have ship without the apostrophe. Maybe just drop the apostrophe altogether.
Near the end of the first section: "face-scarf-mask-thing" reads a little weak. I understand we're seeing things from Alex's perspective but the tone is from an observer-narrator. It would flow better if it was just face-scarf or mask.
I also noticed you fell into the "that trap" as I call it. Near the end of the first section in the paragraph starting with "As uncomfortable as this final leg" you have "which meant that it was both man and mulepower." You can remove the "that" and the sentence reads just fine. Avoid using unnecessary thats whenever possible. It's just filler and padding. If you're unsure, just re-read the sentence without the that and see if it still makes sense.
Loved the descriptions and dialogue in this chapter (especially the hints of humour)! I like the imagery you set up and the imaginative Sea of Sand. This is another good chapter with plenty of hooks to grab the reader's attention. ]
| Aquamouse chapter 1 . 4/21/2012
Okay! "Face-veil" is redundant and unnecessary. Simply calling it a veil is enough. "They win her a little time" is confusing. I think I know what you're saying but a little re-wording might be in order. Other than that, this is an excellent opening! Definitely a great start, with plenty to hook the reader from the start.
I wish I could leave a longer review with more useful things to say but this is very well written. ]