|Reviews for The Descendants|
| TBWW chapter 2 . 8/29/2012
Well, there was enough detail here, haha! It was interesting to read everything, but it's still talking to the reader, but not only directly, indirectly too. The character is suddenly knowing about what she is and what will happen. Wouldn't it be more interesting to show her eyes changing instead of saying they will? And how does she know this info about what she is when she just found out she is one? Was it in the package?
Still have me interested, but you might want to lean away from telling and do a little more showing here and there.
| NameTBWW chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
You had a good start that set a mood instantly, and got me curious. Well done with that. :) I was feeling the same shaky mood throughout the chapter, as you kept that constant. Well done. Zoey Alice is a unique name, to what seems to be a unique story. Your character came off as paranoid, but she has some common sense. I haven't seen that mix before so that seems very interesting. I'm having the impression that this will be a well-developed character in a well-developed plot, just from the first chapter! We'll just have to see where this goes. :D
Now here a few tips I have as far as improvement goes. It's not bashing, it's just tips of what could make your writing even better. I'm not intending to be offensive, just write out some tips.
There's a little bit of text talk. BFF, yeah everyone knows what that means...mostly. It's still abbreviated text talk, and it's best to avoid all text talk at all.
Your character talks to the reader a few times. It happens here and there, and generally doesn't effect to much. But, to some readers, it's like an actor filming for a show who looks directly into the camera while speaking his line. It's sort of an off set and pulls some readers out when they think they're being looked at and directed to instead of looking into a story/other place and world. It's mostly a matter of personal opinion with that one, but generally, it's best to be avoided.
There also was some switching from past to present tense. This is really common mistake, so no worries, and if you read fast it can be skipped right over without a problem. But, it is more steady of a read if a beta's eye isn't catching the tense mistakes, as most readers who are also editors catch those common mistakes like that. Your verbs all have "ed" at the end, which is past tense. But, when your character is explaining how something works or thinking, you use "is" or "it's" while, sense it's set in past tense, it should be "was" or "it was". If you read over your work slowly, it's easy to catch those and make the read a little smoother. :)
There also was a small little thing with the title being lower case, while it should be 'Testing Day' instead of 'testing day'. No worries with that, doesn't subtract from the read but it can turn off picky audiences.
Something that could improve is detail. There wasn't much detail describing your character's surroundings. Maybe if you added what the hallway or bathroom looked like, whether when she's putting on lipgloss or walking down the hall, it would slow the pace and give readers a better impression on where your character is and what the school is like. Fancy, average, or run down? I wasn't sure.
Detail could be added to the situation as well. The exams were a bit unclear. A first, I thought it was just regular exams or maybe a random questionare, but then this concept of being chosen came up and I wasn't sure what it meant. Although it was explained about being a child of a god/gooddess and the visions later, you might want to add a hint of what's going on in there so it's more clear. I was under the impression that it was just a normal questionare but suddenly it's telling the reader that this test is to see if the people are not human. I've seen hints to this but you might want to give more hints that either your character isn't human or emphasize that this exam isn't just a normal one. There also was a great sort of "gasp" feeling at the end, but the one liners could use a little more as well.
But now I see where this is headed, have a clear idea of what might go on, and see good reasoning for the title. It could use some improvement, but hey everything can, and you did a great job with the beginning. Just a little more detail here and there would be helpful. :) Overall, as I've already said, great start!
| Mazarine chapter 6 . 8/18/2012
awe cute :)
| Daytonius chapter 1 . 8/18/2012
This is really good! I've never read anything like it! I like that she is having a conflict between being herself and having cool friends. Amazing!
| Mazarine chapter 5 . 8/17/2012
awe! I feel all bad now cause you mentioned me and I didn't respond :( great chap! I am late but here xD I will read on soon great job!
| Gr1m chapter 3 . 8/16/2012
Your writing improved greatly in this chapter. I've noticed that me and you have similar writing styles to an extent. As far as I can see your descriptions and dialog is getting better with each chapter. Seeing that you're seven chapters deep already it should be pretty straight forward from here. Nothing here for you to really work on, good job creating the school and I can already see a sort of atmosphere of the other goddesses.
| Gr1m chapter 2 . 8/16/2012
This chapter was indeed pretty lengthy and got a little taxing at the point when the aftermath and during the confrontation. I got lost a few times in the words within a few of the larger paragraphs in that are. working on dialogue would be a good idea too. Make it flow better not as choppy or easy to lose where one line stops and the next starts. Making the mother feel more personal and like a mother would really react would be a good idea. I'm not sure a parent would be so easy to lose or accepting of a sixteen year old fleeing her house. Seeing as this is one of the first chapter i'm sure this is just one setting the scene and so on. Getting excited while writing this kind of thing happens a lot. Same thing with me haha.
| Gr1m chapter 1 . 8/16/2012
There are very small errors here and there nothing major just a little grammatical sense. I was the same way when I was just started writing in high school. (I'm twenty, not incredibly old lol.) But as far as I've seen writer only gets better the more you do it. Or the more you read so be sure to do a lot of one or the other. This will help a lot in tearing out those mistakes. Also the plot seems pretty interesting thinking about it now big picture wise. Should be fun to see character development and characteristic of the gods themselves.
| jnl94 chapter 7 . 8/16/2012
I think maybe it was a little too easy for her to re-see the vision, but it's not really a big deal. I like the way she said "I like those ones" at the end. It made me laugh for some reason.
| jnl94 chapter 6 . 8/16/2012
How old are you? Hm...I don't really know. I guess if I were to pick an age I would say you're definately a teenager, but that covers a lot of ground. Maybe 14 or 15?
Okay, review time. Wow, Phoebe is a little crazy behind doors, isn't she? I wonder what she was talking about and why she was talking to Thanatos about it.
| jnl94 chapter 5 . 8/13/2012
I never thought of them having a limit to their power. I guess that makes it more fair though so they can't just endlessly use their powers and all. Pretty freaky consequences though, lol.
I always liked te story of Psyche and Cupid, though Psyche didn't start off as a goddess. She was a mortal first, married Cupid, but she was told she could never look at him because then she would know she was married to a god and Cupid didn't want her to know. She believed he was a monster and that was why she couldn't look at him so she did one night while he slept and he left her because he was heartbroken that she had done that to him. She then asked Aphrodite/Venus-Cupid's mother-for help. Venus made Psyche do many things that were nearly impossible to make her fail because she hated mortals, but in the end Zues made Psyche and goddess.
So...long story short, Psyche if you think that counts, lol.
| curligurl0896 chapter 1 . 8/6/2012
Okay, I'm going to start from the beginning to the last chapter posted, giving you advice as to how to make it better as I go.
First off, I want to point out that you spelled a word wrong in your description. It's promises, not promices. If you want to make a good impression, make sure that all the words in your description are spelled correctly.
"There weren't vary many preps or bitches."
You use the wrong word in this instance. "Vary" means to differ in size, shape, color, or some other property. For example, "The flowers varied in color."
Very is the word you're looking for. It means extremely. For example, "He is very tall." Or, in this case, "There weren't very many..."
You get the idea, right?
"As soon as I got to the school I was going to.."
I suggest you change the sentence to, " When I first came to this school." It sounds much better. Or, even better, add a name for the school so the reader will know that you're talking about the school she is currently going to.
"It was made up completely of girls who talked down to everyone else who 'wasn't at their level of koolness'"
First of all, remove the "completely. It sounds a little redundant.
Also, unless "koolness" is spelled wrong on purpose, I suggest you fix it. It's spelled with a c, not a k.
..." she said giggling.
There are two things you can do with this. Number One is to put a comma after said. Number two will be to say, "she giggled."
"If it came down to it, she would dessert me as though we were never friends in the first place."
Wrong word again. It might seem like the right word, but it's not. "Dessert" implies cake, ice cream, brownies, or some other sugary treat. "Desert" can imply two things, depending on how you use it in a sentence. One of them, of course, is a barren place. But the second one, pronounced the same way as "dessert" but spelled "desert" means to leave someone or something. That's the word you're looking for.
"What kind of person in the In Crowd would ever be stupid enough to wear cheep makeup?"
Cheap, not cheep.
"I sighed as I rook my seat in front of the stack of exam papers waiting to be filled out by me."
You don't have to put " by me". We already know that the character is probably going to fill out the exam papers. No need to emphasize it.
"The chances were slim that I would be one of the people
who were chosen."
"The chances of me being picked were slim."
"The problem is I might get into the same Situation I'm currently in at this school."
Add a comma after is. Also, unless the s in situation is capitalized on purpose, then change it to a lowercase.
Finally, cut out the "at this school" part. We already know.
"Some of the questions were easy like ... "
Comma before easy. And Capitalize the first letter in the questions. And add a question mark after the end of the
questions so they actually look like questions. Finally,
italicize these questions.
"... that if something has to be done it has to be fare."
Once again, wrong word. The word you're looking for is fair, not fare.
"...and let me tell you that it was the absolute longest week of my life."
Comma! Before you! Commas are important!
"On one hand, she hate the society..."
Stop. Right. There.
You forgot the s at the end of hates.
"...that I had a one in a hundred chance of joining."
Maybe you can say "one percent chance"? That sounds better to me.
| jnl94 chapter 5 . 8/6/2012
This is actually chapter 3 :The Dream.
I was reading it and wondering why the heck it sounded so familiar. -.- Duh. I already read it, lol. Just thought you should know.
| Mazarine chapter 4 . 6/30/2012
I am obsessed now :( u better finish this lol awesome job :)
| Mazarine chapter 2 . 6/30/2012
awesome story I love this! u better still be updating :/ -evil stare- well I think ur sooo mug tether than like 89% of the people writing on here especially with spelling I HATE SPELLING ok sorry I am hyper :) good job