|Reviews for Window|
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
I don't think having a second person POV with names in it works to well. It's somewhat attracting and repelling at the same time. Sort of a tug-of-war effect...which isn't really the best. I preferred the parts that had pronouns instead of names, like that first paragraph...and the last one. It's not something I can leap into as the "you" character when there are names involved that aren't a part of my day to day life. I think that particular part would have worked better without the names.
On the other hand, I like your descriptions. They're nice and plain and yet detailed, which suits this fic better than the more dense metaphorical descriptions. Makes it easier to relate and engage with the text.
The other thing though is your use of commas in the fourth paragraph in particular. I'd say there's a few too many pauses in there. It's somewhat jarring. I'd have preferred it to flow a little better with less pauses. It also disrupts some of the sentences, such as: "You had let her in, questions and anger-guilt-hurt bubbling violently to the surface like the way she had always let the water in kettles boil until there was barely enough water to fill even one mug."
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
Beginning: I liked the opening of this story because I thought it did a good job showing the reader what style to expect in the following prose. Also, the first sentence really caught my attention, what with how it's so full of emotion and a sense of loss. It instantly filled me with a sense of vulnerability. Though, I was a little surprised about the father taking so much interest in the boy's girl friend, consider it always seems to be the other way around - a father scolding a daughter about her boy friend. It's a nice change, though.
Wait, after getting to the end, this looks more like this is the narrator talking about a mother? Now I'm a little confused, mostly because of the mannerisms the narrator gives to his mother... I could never picture my mom sneaking in through a window and sleeping in bed with me after having not seen her for a few years. This makes it a little harder to relate to the story itself, but it could just be me.
Technique: I like how you tell this story in second person, because I don't really encounter that very often on Fictionpress. I thought you pulled it off rather well, tugging at the reader's emotions and making this situation feel a lot more personal. I also enjoyed how much you delved into those emotions, taking the time to describe them on a physical level. I think they left more of an impact that way.
Writing: This is more a matter of style, but I noticed you had some rather long paragraphs in this story, and some extremely long sentences that off-put the flow of the general prose because of how they kept dragging on. I felt it impacted the pace, and I found myself wanting to skim. This sentence, for example:
[You had pointed at the bed and she had crumpled into the bed sheets, falling asleep instantly, a luxury you weren't granted; you had lain on the only clear patch of carpet the mess of your room could afford you, staring at her exhausted form curled on the mattress, thoughts chugging away in your brain so steadily that you now wonder how you were able to resist waking her up and demanding to know why she had come.]
This sentence could easily be broken into two sentences at the least, maybe even three or four. It's quite a mouthful, and you don't really give a reader the time to pause and digest what they just read by giving them a period (full-stop). I think this also attributes to why the paragraphs are so large, which can be rather intimidating and difficult to digest on a computer screen. You may want to think about chopping the larger ones up, since they seem to go off on multiple tangents anyway.
[And even though you know – for real, this time – that she isn't going to come back, you're terrified that she'll show up at your window after you're gone; that she'll come tapping at the pane, waiting for you to let her in, wait until she comes to the conclusion that you've abandoned her, too, when really it's been the other way around the entire time; she abandoned you years ago and in so many ways it's you who's been knocking on glass, and you're still not sure who ended up breaking it but it's definitely your skin all the shards slipped under – and the truth is that you don't know when you're going to stop standing outside her house waiting for her to come out and welcome you back into her life the way she should've been from day one (the way you took her back into yours even though you didn't have to) but you sure as hell don't want to anymore.]
Another example of an incredibly long, difficult to digest sentence.
Ending: I'm not really sure what to think about the ending, because here I was going through this thinking this boy was in love with a cougar, so the ending was rather shocking and made me feel kinda like an idiot. I don't know if it's just me, though, but perhaps make it a little clearer that the narrator is talking about his mother, like have his father in the beginning say, "You mind me, Mark; your mother is running around with some Vegas boy," ect.
Unless, of course, your intention is to blur the line between lover and mother, and how this person might see her as both? I'm not too sure, but if that's what you were aiming for, then I think it was well done. I wasn't really able to make the distinction until I got to near the end when it says, "you miss your mother like a bullet to the shoulder." But now that I'm thinking about it... perhaps this mention of a mother was just him thinking about a woman he loved who closely resembled her?
Sorry, I feel a little lost. It's not your fault - I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything. And on second thought, I think after being so caught off guard I really do like this ending a lot - it gives me a lot of questions and different ways to look at this story once I'm finished reading it.
| Findus chapter 1 . 4/16/2012
Hi Making up for a rule 10 from the RG.
God, this was hard to read, really unexpected and excruciatingly beautiful at the same time. The mama-skipping out hits too close for comfort and crap, you wrote the son's pain so well. How he hopes and waits and how she lets him down over and over again. At first I wasn't sure of the type of relationship, because it wasn't spelled out (which I liked because it made me read on to find out). But then when the father dropped that Vegas whore comment I figured it must be the mother because no girlfriend or even a daughter would be able to cause that kind of wound.
I also enjoyed seeing someone experiment with the second person pov. There were some places where I got a bit confused with the you, her, him but overall I thought it was powerful and frankly I had to stop somewhere in the middle where you describe how Mark keeps that torn homework so desperate for something to hang onto he literarily keeps trash. 'but it's definitely your skin all the shards slipped under' - I loved this description of all the hurt the mother has caused. You struck a deep cord and I will add you to my favorites. Beautiful writing my friend.