|Reviews for Croon|
| Genesis Gurren chapter 1 . 4/27/2012
This is an interesting start to a story. I like the way how you describe the tension between the croon and the girl and how you let us, the readers to take a peek at the other side of the croon's heart. It let us wonder about the mysteries behind the character's background. Grammar-wise, I think the previous reviewers had it taken care of. However, be careful with your character's personality and development in the future as I can see the story will be heavily revolve around the interaction between characters. Good luck and continue writing!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 4/26/2012
There's a few things here that I found to be really interesting, like I'm really curious as to what in fact this girl's man did to betray her, like the croon says he did. I'm also wondering if it's her husband, boy friend, or maybe just a man that she fell in love with - the dialogue in this does a great job setting up a lot of questions. I also saw mention that the croon brings up her 'flesh and blood', so I'm assuming her sister or something is maybe sleeping with the man and he's cheating on her with someone the girl should be able to trust. I like how you set up all these questions because I think it gives you a lot to work with in terms of plot, as well as keeps things very broad so it's hard to guess what exactly happened or what might happen next.
[she murmured letting a hand caress the girl's hair and enjoying her shutter at her decrepit old hand fondling her locks.]
Shutter should be shudder. Also I noticed a few problems with the speaker tags, mostly some action tags being lead into with a comma instead of a period.
["Tsk, tsk, tsk, that's not true child, and we both know it. Now tell me!" she gripped the girl's chin forcing her to look at the aged face she wore.]
[The croon sneered at the naïve girl, "What would you have me do?"]
Like these two. In the first one 'She' after the dialogue should be capitalized, and the comma after 'girl' in the second one should be a period.
I really love how creepy this croon lady is. I noticed that right away, and I was picturing her like that old witch from Snow White, haha, with the boney fingers and mole on the nose and everything.
I saw you wanted the reviews to decide what happens next, and I think it would be cool if the croon does what the girl says but she twists the girl's wishes to the point where it actually turns out to be something negative. Like the girl says she wants the man to be happy... maybe do something so that the man does end up happy, but it's something terrible/destructive that happens to the girl or the people around her. Sorry, it's not very specific, but I can't really think of anything more narrowed down. xD
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 4/20/2012
(Much belated!) Bay review return :)
The wound woman...
-Unsure what this means. Typo? Or clarify?
"I don't know," she signed out...
-Not sure on 'signed out'.
I like the fairytale feel you have in this. It's pretty realistic in the descriptions and their dialogue (natural and not overly fancy) but it has elements of folkstory styling that were cool. I like the idea of the young woman not knowing her true name or worrying about the croon being able to control her. It makes me wonder how things will end for her. It's obviously going to get complicated since the croon has a mischievous air to her, so I can't wait to see where you take that.
I can't tell if this is a first chapter or a prologue. As such, I'm not sure if the croon or the woman is the main character. It wasn't a big deal given this is just the start of something quite promising, but it was a niggling uncertainty for me. I could see it being interesting either way, from the POV of the antagonistic croon or the protagonist (?) woman. I suppose there's also two other options: another customer of the croon (and this first woman was just an example, fitting of a prologue) or the man in question. Clarifying that soon would be good, but obviously it'd only take another chapter to establish that, haha.
Can't wait to see where you take this story!
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 4/20/2012
Seems like the eponymous croon makes a living from avenging scorned women? The third person POV, centered on the croon, works in establishing the setting and some of the girl's background. I find it interesting that she wishes the best for the man who hurt her, despite apparently being wronged by him. But at the same time, I wonder why would she co-operate with the croon, unless she really is that naive regarding the old woman's true intentions. From what's implied towards the end, there's trouble brewing for the unfortunate man in question.
It's interesting how the girl sacrifices her own self-control to get the deed done. It makes curious as to what the consequences will be.
A correction, if I may: 'enjoying her shutter at her decrepit old hand fondling her locks'. I think you mean 'shudder', instead of 'shutter' here?