|Reviews for Blood, Sweat and Moronic Teachers!|
| Soccer4Evah chapter 2 . 5/8/2012
I love the idea. It’s really original and I can’t wait for the next chapter to come out!
| Ihatethesystem not signed in chapter 2 . 5/5/2012
Yes, I have an actual account. I just don't want to log in right now.
So, let's get this review started, shall we? I'll be doing my classic format known as Good points/Bad points
-It flows really well
-It's a fantastic story idea
-Descriptions... Oh my god. I could picture it all. And if I can picture it, you know it's good.
-Good grief the suspense. I'm almost there with you!
-The dry sense of humor. I LOVE this kind of thing.
-You need to develop the main character a bit more.
For example: One of my stories (not yet published on here) features a girl who's raped and abused by her boyfriend. People instantly feel sorry for her as she tells her story.
But with you, he gets left by his parents to a creepy old lady. But they obviously felt bad. The problem is you didn't display enough of his emotion. He should be devastated. But he acts more like it's just a small matter.
-The summary. Okay, I've seen the whole 'will they make it out alive?' thing before. Hell, I've done that. Point is, it gets kind of boring. Change that to make it more... dynamic.
- Again with character. A bit less profile on the evil teacher. We get it. She's ugly. She's evil. But you don't have to put so much effort into her yet.
- ... High means he's in highschool. He is 11. On top of that, no 11 year old kid I know acts like your character did in the Prologue. Hell, my brothers don't and they're 6 and 7!
Point is, make him act more his age. k?
Really, that's all I have to say. Keep going.
| aMyTaichoDa chapter 2 . 5/4/2012
Heyo heyo, girlyyyyy(;
Why what do we have here? This is... FREAKING GREAT •υ• i toh-tally lurved how descriptive you were, and i cani sniff the potential right outta this story(;
I'll definately keep myself posted for this, gurl! Now you keep those fingers typing(;
however, i WOULD have liked to know who Anthony or Timothy (i suck with names, sister) was C: ya know, the roomate or something?
SO KEEP THIS MARVELOUS PIECE OF ART FLOWIN, GURL!
Shall wait for the next chapter;*
ps~ thanks for the sweet review, gorgeous(;
| Card52 chapter 2 . 5/4/2012
Very descriptive, subtle humor (or more subtle than what I do) ;) It took me a while to get used to your humor, which seemed to be based on deprecating one's environment and entourage, for this reason it felt a little more like a light horror story to me.
If you want us to hate this teacher, you need to focus more on what she does and less on an individual's perception of her. I kind of got the impression that the main character is a judgmental jerk. If you want us to judge the teacher, give us our own ammo for it.
Next up, paragraphs bro. Solidly communicate one though/event/idea before so abruptly moving on to the next one. You will have a longer story and a much more vivid world.
Anyway, you asked for a review and I would rather offer advice than simple praise, it seems you have more than enough praise to go around. I will say - keep writing. Write what you love and how you love. Write stories and characters that you enjoy and if you think your story is exactly how you want it to be, disregard my critique and don't change a thing. When it comes to fiction, what is "good" is often a matter of opinion, and I just offered advice that I personally though would make your writing better.
| Lady of romance world88 chapter 2 . 5/4/2012
Hi there. Sorry for late reply and its very good chapter
I suggest that you should write more and work on this stiry more seriously
I think you should write bit longer chapters on this story too :)
And good luck with writing :)
| thatoneguardchick chapter 2 . 5/4/2012
Do you like Percy Jackson? If not, I apologize for the mistake, but this is VERY similar, having read the books myself, several times over.
Also, I hope this story will progress somewhere. Despite several simimlarities to several stories I've read, It's quite good. It could use some fixing up, but, other than that, quite good.
| AngelOfTheLaughingHeart chapter 2 . 5/3/2012
Ah, the cliffhanger. A fun literary device.
This story is very good thus far, I hope you continue it. The details are great and all but you may want to sort of stray from the parenthesis. A good way to do internal thoughts or side messages is through italics or italics in single quotation marks. Sort of like this.
Renaia looked up at the clock 'I hope he's okay'
She doesn't say it, she thinks it. In the case of Raiden talking at us, some things just don't even need parenthesis, they can be let to stand alone as normal sentences like any other parts of the story. Like in the place he's talking a little about how he was at home, the comment on the swear jar. That could have been left to stand alone. Sort of like how we talk. If we put parts of out dialogue into parenthesis verbally...we wouldn't have much fun talking...
So I hope this helps and I can't wait to see what you pull out next.
| AngelOfTheLaughingHeart chapter 1 . 5/3/2012
Well, this one ought to be interesting.
Poor kid, I wouldn't ever send my kid to a boarding school. Much less, as my subconscious tell me from the details, this particular one. Haha, onward I read to pray for poor Timothy's safety.
| Isis 47 chapter 2 . 4/30/2012
Alrighty...I have already reviewed this, but I forgot something: as annoying as bad reviews are, I forgot my bad side of the story. I'm not trying to be mean,but everything has two sides. Sometimes three. When I read this- it's good, yes, but- I don't feel as though I can connect with the protagonist too much. Like, when you read from his side of the story...it's basically like you're screaming at me he was written out.
If you take the Hunger Games for example, most people cried when Rue died. What I'm trying to say is to add a bit more character to this guy. Sometimes a little less, like when Raiden's describing the teacher.
But overall, I liked this-it's just not The Da Vinci Code. But you have beat me for first story. Mine was so horrible I didn't even finish it, much less POST it ONLINE.
| Slackitude chapter 2 . 4/29/2012
Interesting, I like the character development on Raiden. This story isn't quite my cup of tea but you've got my interest piqued. I look forward to the next chapter.
| Lidi Millegar chapter 2 . 4/28/2012
I really, really, really enjoy your story. I like the feel, I like the concepts so far, the characters... Did I mention how much I can't wait for an update? It doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as it gets there someday D. I also cannot wait to see where the story goes next!
On another note, I was wondering if you could please review my story, Shards of an Arrow. I understand that I need a lot more feedback, but I'm waiting for at least 10 (cough... Cough... God that is SUCH a wimpy number...) review before I update next.
Thanks for your time! Love your story!
| Poison Ember chapter 2 . 4/26/2012
Hi, you asked for a review, so here it is;
I love your discription, there is not too much or little. the writing made me want to read more [so update quickly], but I have one bone to pick and it's that you started with tjhe words 'Once upon a time', and it's not that that sentance is bad but it automaticly made me beleive is was some kind of fairy tale.
Overall, great story and I can see it becomeing something awesome in the future!
| tronks chapter 2 . 4/26/2012
The second chapter was hysterical! It had creepy moments but the MC's narration makes it really funny and it reads off like a parody. Great job so far, especially with the narration for Raiden! Keep it up!
| Courage of Billy Batson chapter 1 . 4/26/2012
When I saw that his parents hadn't come back after they left i was like WHAAAAA NOOOOO! I really like it so far, although you might want to find a way to distinguish between scenes, because it took me a bit to figure out the flashback had ended :/
| RedNoble chapter 2 . 4/26/2012
"her teeth were so dire that they haunted the local dentist in his sleep." this line made me snort with the images.
"Big ben (not the clock" er... Big Ben is the 'bell' inside of the Tower. just so you know...
anyway, funny.. though you concentrated a tidbit too much on the old hag.. i like Timothy though :D Raiden Hale has a cool name.